Eva Amurri Martino’s Blog: Growing from Three to Four

06/30/2016 at 02:00 PM ET

Eva Amurri Martino is pregnant — again!

The actress, who has followed in her mother Susan Sarandon‘s footsteps, is best known for her roles in Saved and on Californication, and she has guest-starred on The Mindy Project and New Girl.

Two years after tying the knot in Charleston, South Carolina, Amurri Martino and her husband, sports commentator and 36 Hours host Kyle Martino, announced they were expecting their first childa baby girl.

The couple welcomed their now 22-month-old daughter Marlowe Mae in August 2014. They are now expecting another baby — a boy! — in the fall.

Amurri Martino, 31, has started a lifestyle blog, Happily Eva After, where she shares her adventures in motherhood, among other topics. You can also find her on Instagram and Twitter @thehappilyeva.

Eva Amurri Martino pregnant blog
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Right now, I’m at a pretty magical stage in my pregnancy. My tummy has popped out, and I’m feeling our sweet little boy kicking and squirming, but I’m not yet at the size where I’m uncomfortable or having trouble maneuvering in spaces. I’m feeling good, eating well and generally enjoying the peace of mind (for me) that the movement in my belly gives me and planning happily for the future.

Alongside the obvious relief of this, however, has been the constant and steadily building ache in my bones that signals life as we know it is coming to an end. The Three Amigos who have gone through so much together — so many first-time-parent growing pains, celebrations and tribulations — are going to finally be joined by a fourth little soul who will make our dynamic forever different.

And my heart is aching a little bit … okay, it’s aching a lot. To say we’re pretty tight is an understatement. There’s a lot of snuggling in our house. A lot of kissing and hugging, and group kissing and hugging, and cuddling in the mornings, and cuddling in the evenings, and generally a full-time cuddle-a-thon. I actually asked a close friend of mine the other day, “At what age would you think that I need to stop making out with Marlowe all day?”

Eva Amurri Martino pregnant blog
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Of course this is a (slight) exaggeration, but the point is that I have fallen so deeply and acutely in love with my daughter that the idea of loving anybody or anything as much seems like a surefire impossibility. I feel like all the care I had for anything else in the world has been concentrated by a hundred, siphoned from any other avenue and directed through a turbo jet from my heart into hers at level 10. Sometimes she says something so sweet or smart or funny or weird that I feel like my rib cage might actually crack open from how big my love for her has swollen. I’ve barely survived.

HOW ON EARTH AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL THIS WITH ANOTHER BABY?

This is the question I keep asking myself, and one that actually terrifies me. Where will the extra love come from in my already Marlowe-dedicated heart?! Am I even capable of this kind of love times two? And most frighteningly: What if I’m not?

Eva Amurri Martino pregnant blog
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I’ve asked a bunch of friends of mine with multiple children about this (SOS texts at brutal hours of the night when I’m awake in a panic), and all of them reassure me that you DO love the others just as much … that somehow you just do, and that each child and each relationship is different but the love is the same. My mother-in-law promises that the love “just comes with the baby.”

I think all of this sounds beautiful, of course, but I wonder a lot about how you love a new child right away with the same love that you have for a child you have known and fallen for over a two-year period. How can that be the same?

More from Eva’s PEOPLE.com blog series:

Eva Amurri Martino pregnant blog
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Something I share pretty openly with friends of mine is how, for me, the crazy love with Marlowe didn’t come right in the beginning. I felt so attached to her and protective from the moment she was born, but I fell in love with her over time, just like I did with my husband. It was a gradual process of a few months where a special snuggle, a smile, a giggle, an early-morning newborn staring contest, a sleepless night we both gracefully survived would pull at my heartstrings and grow our bond deeper and deeper.

My mother, actually, had been the one to warn me about the “Great Misconception”: that many women, herself included, don’t just fall head-over-heels in love with their baby the second he or she leaves the womb and enters our arms — that it’s normal for that love to be a process.

I was so thankful to have that context because I think otherwise I would have expected too much of myself — felt disappointed, or guilty, or both. A new baby is a new person who enters your family and becomes a cherished part of it forever, but they still have so much to teach us about themselves. I’m trying to go into my second round of motherhood with this in mind: an open heart, and no expectation except a desire to drink in my son and who he is, separately from my daughter.

I think watching Marlowe grow and change so much these past months has really driven the point home for me that our son will be just as strong in his ways, just as unique and just as miraculous.

Eva Amurri Martino pregnant blog
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What I’m working on now is letting go of Three — letting go of that little family unit that we cultivated so fiercely, with so much love and so many mistakes — and opening our door for somebody new to teach us. I cry sometimes when I think about it, even now as I write this. I am scared of that change, even as I welcome it, and have fought so hard to expand our family.

Change has been especially tough for me since my miscarriage last year; it challenges all the things I have done since to heal. In the wake of our loss, I battened down the hatches. I held tight to my family, wound my love around them, and we healed from the inside out.

Just as I have had to open my heart during this pregnancy to drive out the fear of loss, I find myself pushing the boundaries again — telling myself it’s okay to open the door, to face it with eyes open, to extend my hand to this magical stranger who has flown on angel wings to the very depths of me and snuggles tightly in my womb.

Eva Amurri Martino pregnant blog
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I think, like anything, that this letting go will be a process. I’m trying to be as honest with myself as possible when I’m feeling scared or emotional about our family changing; I know it’s what helps me to grow. As I write this, I sit in awe as my son does back flips, dancing and celebrating, and I know for sure that the relationship with his spitfire sister was written in the stars.

How have you adjusted to your family growing and changing? I would love to hear about it in the comments below!

xo,

— Eva Amurri Martino

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Showing 26 comments

rachel on

Her daughter is absolutely darling!! Cute family pictures. Eva looks a lot like her mom.

anonymous on

Lovely family pictures.

Frances on

It was hard for us: 4 years between babies. It was the “three” of us for a long time and then our son came along. Then we became a foursome and it rocks the boat for a while, until you find your balance again.

For a few years it will be the four of you, then Marlowe will get older and start doing things on her own and it will be the three of you again… but a different set of three. Then, your son will go off and do something and it will be the three of you again, and you’ll notice.

For me, every time our “three” shifted it smarted, but I learned to embrace it and try to be mindful of the precious time that was slipping through my fingers right in front of me. We always try to carve out time for threesomes, so each child gets a turn for special time.

You’ll find your way.

Jay jay on

That was a sweet, and honest, article. Good luck to her and her beautiful family.

Shannon on

Somehow it all just falls into place. With each child I’ve had there is an adjustment period. And you do fall madly in love with each one. A mother’s heart is an amazing thing. You madly love each child for who they are and everything about them. It’s even more amazing to see your children develop relationships with each other and seeing that sibling live flourish. Then add watching your husband’s love for each of his children…oye! You’ll be one mushy hormonal mess and it’s wonderful! I miscarried my son and it ma me cling tighter to my husband and children too. When loss like that happens, you hold everything so much closer. I’m currently expecting my rainbow baby and I cannot wait to shower him with all the snuggles in the world. Good luck Eva!

Guest on

Going from three to four…a long time ago for me, but it was special! Ours are three years apart, almost to the day. They are so different in every way. Your love for them just grows and multiplies. The oldest got the first of his parents, and was our guinea pig. The youngest slept through the night much earlier, reached milestones earlier too, probably to keep up with his brother! All of the changes and changing were just part of the journey, and we embraced or dealt with them as needed. Our family just got better and better as they grew and experienced life!! Now as adults, I can say that I love the people they have become!!

Guest on

It’s a wonderful journey that ends too quickly, but then you have adults!! Wishing you joy, happiness, and fun!!

Guest on

Ours are three years apart, almost to the day. They are so different in every way. Your love for them just grows and multiplies. The oldest got the first of his parents, and was our guinea pig. The youngest slept through the night much earlier, reached milestones earlier too, probably to keep up with his brother! All of the changes and changing were just part of the journey, and we embraced or dealt with them as needed. Our family just got better and better as they grew and experienced life!! Now as adults, I can say that I love the people they have become!!

Anonymous on

The walls of the heart are elastic. There is enough love for everyone.

Yougogirl on

Eva, I read this and thought of this poem I read once when I was pregnant with my second:
Loving Two

As I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: How could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you’ve never shared me before. I hear you telling me in your own way, “Please love only me” And I hear myself telling you in mine,”I can’t,” knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying her — as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast. But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two.

There are new times — only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. I watch how she adores you — as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments.

And I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you, I’ve given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong.

And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you — only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you’ll never share my love. There’s enough of that for both of you — you each have your own supply.

I love you — both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.

~Author Unknown~

Anonymous on

Very well written post. I enjoyed reading it!

Molly on

Aww lovely pictures and adorable family.

lyn on

@Yougogirl

Ugh I have a 22 month old and a now 3 month old (both girls) and this gave me ALL THE FEELS. Selfishly I wanted a boy and a girl, but what an amazing gift to give to my children: sisters. Thank you for sharing.

Cheryl S on

It didn’t really hit me until we dropped off our older son at my parents’ house the night before my scheduled delivery. When I was hugging him, t hit me that this was the last time I would be hugging him as my only child. Life, which had been centered around him for 3 1/2 years, was about to change drastically for all of us. I cried as soon as we got in the car.

When his brother was six weeks old and we got into a fairly routine nursing schedule, I started taking him on a weekly “date” where just the two of us would do something on our own like throwing shells at the beach and having dinner and ice cream. Today, my children are five years older and their personalities are night and day and I love seeing them grow each into their own person. It’s a huge adjustment in the beginning but you find a balance with time.

Tizzy on

Wow. It’s reading this brought me back to when we were expecting our second child.
1st baby- I had anxieties about being someone’s mother. A lot of what if’s?

2nd baby- I couldn’t imagine loving another child as much as my first. There was no way. I even apologized to my baby bump. Telling her I’m not sure if the love would be the same magnitude.

3rd baby- omg we are going to be outnumbered!

Well Eva something magical happens when that baby is born. Unlike the first where you grew to love her- I was the same way with my firstborn. When you first meet your new baby, the flood of emotions happens in an instance, your heart grows and you will love that baby as much as your first. It’s hard to comprehend or quantify it now but it happens. Your heart just grows.

stinky on

those are lovely pictures and they look like a cute family….but i’ve read some of her stuff b4, she’s kind of dramatic…every moment analyzed then written about, she must drive her friends crazy.

Tammy on

Beautiful family….she is a drama queen. How does her husband put up with her melodramatics…
on the other side of the coin I have two daughter and you just roll with it.

Diane on

She is a beautiful writer. I’m sure she will find that the heart is capable of that all encompassing mommy love for one, two, or however many children come along.

Good thoughts go out for her that her pregnancy is happy and healthy and that she will be happily snuggling both of her babies later this year.

pieman31415926 on

My babies are now 16 1/2 and 15 but it seems like yesterday I was feeling the anxiety of coming to terms with how I could love another baby as much as I loved the first. I told my husband that I had decided that I may not love the second as much as I loved the first and that would be okay. Somehow baby #2 got as much of my heart as baby #1 did, but it helped me let go of the anxiety to tell myself that it would be okay if he didn’t.

Poppy on

Gawd, it must be exhausting living with her. Such a drama queen and way too much time on her hands.

Marsha on

I don’t want this to be misinterpreted but in some ways it’s more “normal” to have more than one child – like in the old days without birth control, etc. Sure, you won’t have the same time and focus for the second child as you had for the first and the first child will notice a difference but…THAT’S NORMAL! Only children are fine but a bunch of kids is normal, too and takes some of the pressure off the one kid. You love that one child but it can be a bit much when all your energy is zoned onto this one kid. Don’t worry about the change – it will be different but it’s a good thing.

comicsdaughter on

Eva – Wish that I had said “hello” and made an introduction when I saw you and Marlowe at Starbucks recently. I am way beyond motherhood, but love your blog, as I also work with young mothers.
Marlowe is absolutely edible and as you waited for your beverages, I observed the love and care of which you just wrote above as you patiently let her walk around albeit a little shaky on her feet!! I saw patience and great tenderness that day. The very fact that you are blogging and sharing your deepest concerns, makes you a very conscious person – From this standpoint, your heart will naturally expand. It’s the nature of NATURE, and it’s how you, as a person, are built. I can tell. As a therapist/hypnotherapist, I currently work with a mother of a 20 month year old little girl – my client suffers terrible guilt and a vigilant worry that she is doing it all “wrong.” This is one of the reasons for your blog, right? So, women like my client suffer less and feel less alone? …..you are helping others with your extreme honesty. I admire.
Very best, Carrie (www.carriefreeman.com)

Mila on

She has write lots of blogs, it looks like she has nothing else to do!

Oy on

Eva wrote fantastic post perhaps she has a lot of time to write.

365 celebrity on

lovely pictures and adorable family.

Regina on

What an adorable family! I totally can relate on all the feelings surrounding a growing family, and pregnancy after miscarriage. I don’t know if Eva herself will read this comment but I thought I could still put it out there for other readers like myself. In January 2008 my husband and I lost our second baby at 13 weeks, we had just welcomed our first daughter 9 months before that, and we were still enjoying being newlyweds. We definitely were not ready for another baby so soon since we were still trying to get our everything together, but we came to accept it since we werent obviously going to be able to stop it. I was saddened by the miscarriage, and often had thoughts of who we lost and what that baby would of been like, would we of had another girl or been blessed with a boy this time, could i handle having two babies so close in age, how would my daughter react to being a big sister. The list of thoughts was endless, but fate has an amazing sense of humor. After our daughter turned one we took a two week trip to go see our extended families in Maryland, Ohio, and Indiana. The trip was wonderful, and in the last few days we talked about what it would be like having to travel that great of a distance with more than one child, we were relieved not to know at that point, but my husband did express his wanting of another child very soon, I laughed and said no way. Two months later I found out that our 2nd daughter was on her way. My girls are now 7 & 9, and they are best frienemies, and we also have a 1 year old son to round us to a family of 5. All three are a major blessing, and I am so lucky to have the experience with them. I dont plan on having anymore myself, i really want to adopt, but i have also volunteered to be surrogate for my sister if she is unable to carry any babies for herself. That is a real struggle to watch someone who is meant to be a mom, month after month and nothing. All I can do is keep praying, and eventually one way or another she will be a mom, even if i have to give birth to half a dozen nieces and nephews. I wish Eva and her family nothing but the best! I know this comment was so long and I dont expect anyone to read it but like i said, I’m putting it out there, I’m not afraid to share my experience. Good Luck to all!!!!

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