Sophie B. Hawkins’ Blog: Making the Decision to Become a Mother – Again

04/22/2015 at 03:00 PM ET

Sophie B. Hawkins will soon be a mama of two.

The singer/songwriter, who is best known for her hits “Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover” and “As I Lay Me Down,” has also starred in Room 105 and on Community.

Already mom to 6-year-old son Dashiell, Hawkins, 50, is pregnant with her second child — a girl! — after being implanted with her own frozen embryo.

You can find her on InstagramFacebook and Twitter @therealsophieb.

Sophie B Hawkins blog
Courtesy Sophie B. Hawkins

“I wasn’t free until I had my children,” I thought, standing on a golf course covered in snow.

On the border of the sloping field stood naked trees, each one unique and captivating. Bleak winter takes their leaves and, if it didn’t, we’d never see what they are really made of. I imagined people I know without their leaves: What are they made of? What do they really look like near the end of a long, cold time?

This winter has been a trial for me, physically and emotionally. Pregnancy is uncomfortable and draining, and the end isn’t in sight until it becomes unbearable. No, my doctor won’t let me look forward to a scheduled C-section.

“You’re not high-risk,” she says.

“But I’m 50!” I remind her.

“You’re healthy and your baby is healthy,” she retorts.

Well, this pregnancy has really stripped my leaves, and I’m starting to know what I’m made of.

Sophie B Hawkins blog
Courtesy Sophie B. Hawkins

During the first three months, there were moments when I thought I made a mistake, when the positive notions about having a second child couldn’t overpower the nausea and dread that I was ruining my son’s life and my own. I woke up depressed and befuddled by my bizarre life planning. I recounted the warnings of those from whom I had sought advice:

“One child is precious.”

“Now that you’re unburdened, why would you have a second child?”

“How could you take attention away from your son?”

“You’re robbing Peter to pay Paul.”

Even my mother thought I was a cockeyed optimist. “I’ll support you emotionally, but I don’t think it’s a good idea,” she cautioned.

A year ago, as I was coming up the dimly lit stairs of our dingy, overpriced apartment building, I witnessed an old man making the arduous journey down. Alone and fragile, he had the air of an abandoned man. When I entered my apartment and closed the heavy door, I cried because I wouldn’t be alive to take care of Dashiell when he’s old. That my son might ever be so alone as to appear forgotten was too much to bear.

“I have to have another child. I have to bring someone into this world that will be here for Dashiell.”

This and other visions, including the solidarity I’m rebuilding with my siblings, kept bringing up the question of when would I have another child, not why. I thought of adopting; I called a few agencies — yet I had the embryos of my egg, plus my son’s sperm donor in storage, so it seemed worth the effort of being pregnant to bring a person into our lives in a similar way that my son was brought into mine … And yet I dragged my feet.

Sophie B Hawkins blog
Courtesy Sophie B. Hawkins

I wasn’t ready to let go of being the mother of one, knowing that two would make us a stronger family. A mother at Dashiell’s school confided that she felt she was “cheating” on her daughter when she had her son five years later; she felt she was having an illicit relationship.

“Will I still be your favorite son when Bubble Gum is born?” my son asked tonight. He is the greatest love I’ve known, and in recent years, the only love I’ve truly wanted to explore.

After the breakup with my partner of 17 years, I haven’t wanted to share my heart with anyone but my son, and it has been positively wonderful. So, is that where freedom awaits, in an opening heart? I have a feeling.

I could have chosen a suitor, a grown-up love affair that may turn into the new parent of my son and then have a baby together, or perhaps I would’ve fallen in love with someone who has children, built-in siblings.

But from experience, I know that most falling in love ends with a thud after two years, and then my son would have to go through another traumatic loss, and he’d think I was insane and lose trust in me. While the rewards of a new adult relationship can be totally fulfilling, the rewards of having a new baby are so much greater. And so is the commitment, which is why it’s so scary.

Marriage is a walk in the park compared to being a single mother or father. I’ll take that walk later.

For now, I’m seven months pregnant and I’ve started to feel I’m carrying a person, not just my son’s sister. The first few presents of tiny baby clothes have been arriving and I’m stunned at how small this person will start out, and I’ve wondered where she will sleep.

The buds are appearing on the trees outside, yet I feel I’m going to be naked, leafless, for many months to come. My true friends, and my son, see me with kind eyes. I feel it. So that’s the freedom my children have given me. To be naked in the world with an open heart.

Sophie B Hawkins blog
Courtesy Sophie B. Hawkins

— Sophie B. Hawkins

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Showing 31 comments

jillb on

I love this so much. Thank you Sophie

Monique V on

Doesn’t she imagine Dash will make his own friends and relationships with people who will be his companions through life? He can just keep making them as often as he wants, she doesn’t have to give birth for him to have someone to look after him, if he seems like he will need that

Catherine on

What is up with that first picture? She only has one son, but there’s another creepy little boy lurking in the background of that photo?! That is freaking me out. Did anyone else notice that??

Stella on

Most women are ill-informed . . . ‘high risk’ ONLY applies when you or another family member in your genetic line was/has a high risk factor illness, disease, etc. . . . your age alone does NOT mean you are high risk.

blessedwithboys on

I feel bad for this child who is yet to be born and is already being defined by another person. Children should be born out of love and a desire to create life, not as a care-taker for an old older sibling. I’d hate to be born knowing my destiny was changing my older brother’s diapers.

Jewl on

Are we not going to acknowledge the mystery demon boy behind the couch?

Also, aside from this woman being a complete nut, she is far too old to be pregnant again.

michelle on

wow thats a crazy reason to have a child and yeah shes way too old. maybe she will need them to take care of her

Rachel on

She must have a lot of energy to be a single mom, at 50 and then to be pregnant. I don’t know whether to admire her or slap her. I am 39, married, have a full time job ( middle school teacher) , have one child who is 4 and want to add more, but man, I am exhausted most of the time. Don’t know how she does or will do it. Kudos to her, I guess.

Tanya on

Thank you Sophie, for the amazing gift you are.
There’s an even bigger yes in my heart to motherhood now… Romantic Love is exhausting in my experience. How beautiful to be exhausted out of a commitment to a child… Your children are very lucky. 💜 !

Marie on

I think what you are doing is great. You are giving “family” to your son & truly enjoying your “motherhood journey”. I am a 50 y.o. Mom to a 5 year old & 2 y.o. twins. I would do it again if it were physically safe for me. Wishing all of you blessings & looking forward to seeing more from you.

mer on

Yeah, I find that first phot a bit unsettling or disturbing, too. Not sure why. The second boy is probably a friend or a relative. Still.. feels.. creepy.. Sorry 🙂

Vanessa on

Jewel’s comment has me in stitches 🙂 I second that

me on

Ms Hawkins thank you so much for this article. .it was like reading my family met me with harsh negativity. .my desire to have another child so my son won’t be alone .the sudden realization that I’m not going to live forever…you’re wonderful

Meg on

People – please explain the picture and the little bit in the background!! Kind of creepy and disturbing.

Elise on

What an immoral reason to bring a person into this world. It is unfortunate that the author is incapable of seeing her child as a human and rather views her son as an object to be acted upon. Her living son is a free agent who will be responsible for his own social relations when he gets to be an elderly person, IF he gets to be an elderly person. I have a few brothers and one of them, he should have been aborted because he is a terrible person, he molested me as a child. My mother did a bad thing when she happened.

This crazy lady is privileged to think that siblings are inherently a good thing, they are not. Actually, a lot of sexual abuse happens amongst family members. People who cannot acknowledge that should not be allowed to have children. That’s why so many kids are abused people just look at them like little objects, here let me have you to take care of this other object I covet.

Anonymous on

@catherine: I AM FREAKING OUT!!!!

Synthia on

hopefully the bond she envisions is what they’ll share. What is the creepy shirtless boy in the background doing in the 1st pic?

JW on

All of that from seeing an old man walking down the stairs and drawing lots of conclusions about his life without even talking to him? Maybe he was on his way to meet someone that loves him very much. Maybe he was on his way to take care of someone. She assumed a lot about this man without actually talking to him.
I’m not here to judge, it’s her life and she can make her own decisions about it. All I know is I definitely would not choose the same for myself.

Anonymous on

I see the creepy little boy in the background , how could they not notice.. Apparently he found his little ghost friend til his sister is old enough

Joe on

Elise-Sophie was an abused child.

Anonymous on

People seem to be so judgmental about how others should live their lives. I don’t think Sophie’s reasons are so different than those of many other people who have children. It’s true she is older than the average mother but she seems to want this child and has thought it through more than many younger parents who have children. No one knows how long they have, and a child who is wanted and loved has a great start.

Missus is on

The child behind the sofa is making a creepy face – but what about the fact that she has on a sweater and blanket but that child doesn’t even have a shirt on?! Also – should a 50yr old, 7 months pregnant woman be in a shopping cart?
It’s all a little weird.

cheryl s on

Your getting ahead of yourself. Not all family’s talk to each other or care about each other. My siblings don’t talk to said I ran away from home at age 40. Who runs away at 40. Also my children do not talk to each other. My family remembers things that never happened. Good at spinning tales that never happened then most of the rest of the family believes them. It takes the focus off them on what ever there not soppose to be doing or poor me act.Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.

Sara K on

Wow! I wasn’t expecting all this. She’s a wonderful writer, a free spirit, and expresses herself so honestly. I am moved and wish her little family the best!

~A fellow single mother of two

moore on

Not as sad as “My sister keeper” reasons.I hope she lives long enough and wishing Dash be a good big brother to take care his sister and mom.

Vol on

She is 50, kinda too old to having a child!

Abbie on

Great blog Sophie! Beautifully written and I love your perspective. I believe that some of the people on here will leave you nasty comments, but just skip over them. Your family is beautiful just as it is. Every family is different, but it is the love you have for each other and the support that matters. My boyfriend is an only child and a product of divorce, and he tells me all the time how much he wished he would have had a sibling. I think your son and daughter will have a beautiful bond.

Mary on

Soo…you had another child so your son wouldn’t be alone when you’re gone? So now you’ll leave behind two orphans? Yeah, that makes sense. Also, there’s no guarantee they will be close. I am close to my siblings, and I love the relationship I have with them, but my husband speaks to his sister maybe once a year. He might as well have been an only child.

MM on

That’s the risk you take when you start a family at a much older age.
There will be a lot of kids graduating high school and attending their parent’s funeral around the same time and going through their adult years unable to call mom or dad for advice because they’re gone at age 70.
I also agree with other’s assessment that her son could make friends, fall in love, start a family so that he won’t be alone at her death.
People who are only children don’t have to be alone all their life just because they don’t have siblings.
I have siblings and one of them decided to move 8 hrs away and exclude herself from the family.
I doubt she’ll ever meet my son and I also doubt she cares.
Just because you have a sibling doesn’t mean you’ll be best buds.
I hope her daughter isn’t raised knowing she was to be a companion to her brother and served no other purpose.
I feel for her.

Rain on

Nice post. Congrats to her on the new addition.

Deb on

Loving this Time For You. You’re Gonna Be Fine. You’re prepping, Dash is prepping (big bro is a Big Deal), and they don’t know it yet but the pups have got some prep time coming. Super Awesome You’ve Created A House and Atmosphere of Love. I CANNOT WAIT for That Song – THE SONG you Write for Bumble Bee. Keep Postin and Keep Tweetin – Ya Know I’ve Never Quit Lookin, Readin, & Listening:) HAPPY TIMES FOR Y’ALL