Lauren Holly’s Blog: The Gassy, Greasy, Geeky Truth of Tween Boys
We can’t get enough of Lauren Holly‘s hilarious blogs — and she’s back for one more!
Best known for her roles in Dumb and Dumber and on NCIS and Picket Fences, the actress, 50, is currently starring on Motive, airing Wednesdays at 10 p.m. on ABC.
In addition to her acting career, Holly is also mom to sons Azer, 12, George, 11, and Henry, 10, with husband Francis Greco.
In her blog, Holly tries to get to the bottom of what being a tween boy really means — and warns girls this too will pass.
Tweens? I believe this refers to an age group. A strange nickname, as it implies an age that is not one or the other, neither a teen nor what comes before. I guess ‘pre-teen’ wasn’t enough.
I know them as the age group for which I cannot find shoes that are appropriate, “cool,” and in the right size. “Oh wait, you mean shoes for boys that fit feet bigger than a size 5 kids, yet are too small for a men’s size 6? Tweens? Nope, don’t have ’em.”
Hmm. More like the lost generation.
You gotta feel bad for those that age, especially for the boys. I think I can judge. I’ve been a girl one, and all my awkwardness and struggling is still a palpable memory. Now I have two and a half boy ones. Actually, since my youngest is my biggest, I have three tween-size boy ones.
What they go through is worse.
Tween girls, here’s some advice: pay no attention to boys yet. Those geeky, oily, foul-mouthed things are not the boys to look at yet. Their teeth won’t always look so big. They will stop picking their nose, and control in all gaseous emissions will improve.
No more foul-smelling outbursts at inappropriate moments — which is constantly. Yes, more often than not, they will have no stains on their shirts, and they won’t share the view of their food mid chew.
Soon they will become charming and clean, and speak in complete sentences while making contact with your eyes. Really. Be smart girls, build your ideas, strengthen your friendships, determine your opinions, and dream up your plans.
To flirt with tween boys, to care of their opinions, to make any judgments of any part of one is a complete waste of time.
I can’t blame them. All their glands are pumping big time. Bones are growing faster than one can get completely in control. Most activities include ‘wipeouts,’ and they have to brag loudly about them in order to divert attention from the fact that whatever they attempted actually failed.
Tween boys’ teeth seem to be quite large. Not sure if their head still has to grow, or if man-size teeth just look super big next to boy baby-size teeth.
Unfortunately, hunger and thirst seem satisfied by flavors like ‘Ranch,’ ‘nacho,’ and ‘vinegar.’ All of which are responsible for the most virulent bad breadth. Those flavors also are major stainers — of teeth and of hands.
I think those raging hormones must also cause forgetfulness. That has to be why they still don’t wash their hands or brush their teeth. They start thinking about pretty girls at exactly the moment they become the most unappealing and smelliest. Believe it or not, tween boys, we don’t want to kiss you to celebrate that giant fart. Crazy, right?!
Soon, they will realize that most of the pimples can be avoided by cleansing their face, and hair looks good when it is styled and clean. Tween boys just have trouble keeping up with all this stuff; they are not even as statistically as bright as we tween girls are. (I read that!)
Maybe that’s why they can’t find cool clothes that fit. The shops have hidden them? Still, please not the biggest kiddie size with the truck on the front. Not everyone wants to wear neon acrylic with ample netting, or a sports team jersey every day. What about shirts in normal colors, simple leather belts, a boot with laces. I guess Velcro is still cool … if you are eight.
So, burping, farting, dirty, clumsy things, which have big teeth, pimples, greasy hair, and cannot talk in full sentences about anything unrelated to a remote control or keyboard? The ones with no individual style or interests? Is that a tween boy?
Yeah, maybe it is better they are lost. Hold on girls … just for a little while longer.
By the way, there was outrage in my house when this was read. My guys want you to know, none of them have ALL of these things. Just most of them. lol
— Lauren Holly