Lauren Holly’s Blog: The Gassy, Greasy, Geeky Truth of Tween Boys

06/25/2014 at 08:00 PM ET

Lauren Holly Blog

We can’t get enough of Lauren Holly‘s hilarious blogs — and she’s back for one more!

Best known for her roles in Dumb and Dumber and on NCIS and Picket Fences, the actress, 50, is currently starring on Motive, airing Wednesdays at 10 p.m. on ABC.

In addition to her acting career, Holly is also mom to sons Azer, 12, George, 11, and Henry, 10, with husband Francis Greco.

She can be found on Facebook and Twitter@LaurenHolly.

In her blog, Holly tries to get to the bottom of what being a tween boy really means — and warns girls this too will pass.

Tweens? I believe this refers to an age group. A strange nickname, as it implies an age that is not one or the other, neither a teen nor what comes before. I guess ‘pre-teen’ wasn’t enough.

I know them as the age group for which I cannot find shoes that are appropriate, “cool,” and in the right size. “Oh wait, you mean shoes for boys that fit feet bigger than a size 5 kids, yet are too small for a men’s size 6? Tweens? Nope, don’t have ’em.”

Hmm. More like the lost generation.

You gotta feel bad for those that age, especially for the boys. I think I can judge. I’ve been a girl one, and all my awkwardness and struggling is still a palpable memory. Now I have two and a half boy ones. Actually, since my youngest is my biggest, I have three tween-size boy ones.

What they go through is worse.

Tween girls, here’s some advice: pay no attention to boys yet. Those geeky, oily, foul-mouthed things are not the boys to look at yet. Their teeth won’t always look so big. They will stop picking their nose, and control in all gaseous emissions will improve.

No more foul-smelling outbursts at inappropriate moments — which is constantly. Yes, more often than not, they will have no stains on their shirts, and they won’t share the view of their food mid chew.

Soon they will become charming and clean, and speak in complete sentences while making contact with your eyes. Really. Be smart girls, build your ideas, strengthen your friendships, determine your opinions, and dream up your plans.

To flirt with tween boys, to care of their opinions, to make any judgments of any part of one is a complete waste of time.

I can’t blame them. All their glands are pumping big time. Bones are growing faster than one can get completely in control. Most activities include ‘wipeouts,’ and they have to brag loudly about them in order to divert attention from the fact that whatever they attempted actually failed.

Tween boys’ teeth seem to be quite large. Not sure if their head still has to grow, or if man-size teeth just look super big next to boy baby-size teeth.

Unfortunately, hunger and thirst seem satisfied by flavors like ‘Ranch,’ ‘nacho,’ and ‘vinegar.’ All of which are responsible for the most virulent bad breadth. Those flavors also are major stainers — of teeth and of hands.

I think those raging hormones must also cause forgetfulness. That has to be why they still don’t wash their hands or brush their teeth. They start thinking about pretty girls at exactly the moment they become the most unappealing and smelliest. Believe it or not, tween boys, we don’t want to kiss you to celebrate that giant fart. Crazy, right?!

Soon, they will realize that most of the pimples can be avoided by cleansing their face, and hair looks good when it is styled and clean. Tween boys just have trouble keeping up with all this stuff; they are not even as statistically as bright as we tween girls are. (I read that!)

Maybe that’s why they can’t find cool clothes that fit. The shops have hidden them? Still, please not the biggest kiddie size with the truck on the front. Not everyone wants to wear neon acrylic with ample netting, or a sports team jersey every day. What about shirts in normal colors, simple leather belts, a boot with laces. I guess Velcro is still cool … if you are eight.

So, burping, farting, dirty, clumsy things, which have big teeth, pimples, greasy hair, and cannot talk in full sentences about anything unrelated to a remote control or keyboard? The ones with no individual style or interests? Is that a tween boy?

Yeah, maybe it is better they are lost. Hold on girls … just for a little while longer.

By the way, there was outrage in my house when this was read. My guys want you to know, none of them have ALL of these things. Just most of them. lol

— Lauren Holly

More from Lauren’s blog series:

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Showing 16 comments

blessedwithboys on

Hysterical and so true!

I hope the boys gave you full approval to publish this. 🙂

sandy on

nothing smells worse than walking into my 14 year old sons room after he and 3 friends spent hours in there playing video games!!! YUCK 🙂

mnmama on

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO True!!!! She nailed it.

anonymous on

She was guest hosting on Lainey’s show The Social, and man has she changed her face. It’s not as apparent from this photo, but on tv it’s like seeing a different person.

Kate on

What happened to her face? Too much surgery. She doesn’t look like herself at all anymore. Sad.

Jen DC on

OH EM GEE for the SMELLS! I’m an athlete. I run, I bike, I play soccer, I lift – and I don’t wear socks… And I drop all my dirty gear in my room after I’ve used it.

How does my brother’s room – who does all the same stuff – smell EXPONENTIALLY WORSE? I’ve always laughed at that. I don’t understand! Is his body chemistry really so different that, after doing the exact same things, his smell is WORSE? Is it really just hormones? Is my sense of smell that much stronger?! It’s remained a joke between us since he was 10 and I was 16; we’re 39 and 34 now (I’m the last to make the jump to the next age), and IT’S STILL TRUE.

Kimberly on

Funny blog Lauren and soooo true….as a mom of two boys I can definitely relate. Nothing like being a mom to boys though I wouldn’t trade it for all the girly stuff in the world, smells and all, lol….

Sandra on

I have two of them and they both are so completely different yet exactly the same. Lauren you nailed this one!

Tina on

She doesn’t look anything like I remember her. I actually thought she was Reba McIntyre.

Viv on

Oh my! What did she do to her face? She’s barely recognizable.

Anonymous on

OMG. I did not even recognize her!!! How much work has she had done?? Wow. Just wow.

deleted on

She used to be cute/pretty! What a shame!!

T on

Reba McEntire

Anonymous on

mine is almost 17……get’s a ‘smidge’ better…..hoping it is better before he’s off to college or married…. 🙂

jenniferyterry on

That’s so funny. I had forgotten about that weird in-between age where nothing really fits, everything is either too babyish or too grownup, all kids go through it. The worst.

trost on

Hilarious. Well done holly