Lauren Holly’s Blog: Boys Are a Whole Different Ballgame

08/09/2013 at 10:00 AM ET

Lauren Holly Blog
Courtesy Lauren Holly

Please welcome Lauren Holly for a one-time celebrity blog!

Best known for her roles in Dumb and Dumber and on NCIS and Picket Fences, the actress, 49, is currently starring in ABC’s new summer show, Motive.

In addition to her acting career, Holly is also mom to sons Azer, 11, George, 10, and Henry, 9, with husband Francis Greco.

She can be found on Facebook and Twitter @LaurenHolly.

In her blog, Holly compares her younger years to her boys’ childhood — and wonders if she should be worried for what’s to come.

I’ve been forced to examine myself as a mother. Am I what I thought I would be? Did childhood behaviors conceive my parenting skills?

There have been a number of events that happened recently that have brought on my introspection. One mood seeps from my past into my future and I welcome its attendance. Humor. I laugh at myself as a teenage dumbass and I laugh at my predicament as Mom.

It all started benignly enough while cooking dinner. My youngest wanted to help with the cooking. The recipe called for ¼ teaspoon of cayenne pepper. I tossed the measuring spoons to him, forgetting that he was standing on a step stool in order to work at the counter.

“How much?” he asked. Distracted by my own mixing I said, “A 1 and a 4.”

Dinner was torturous. Gasping and choking we came to find out he had interpreted my direction as four times the one. The big spoon. We went through the McDonald’s drive thru — an occurrence that has become way more frequent lately than I used to boast. Still, they did change that horrid fry oil, didn’t they?

It wasn’t until we finished our Quarter Pounders that I found out that my youngest, the chef, had had another issue that day. I had enrolled him on a computer website loved by his big brothers, a site that I had already checked out thoroughly.

That had become my common practice ever since the Christmas debacle. Then the boys had each gotten a laptop from Santa, all set up and ready to surf. After all the wrapping had exploded throughout the room, I scooted them out to try to regain order. It took me about 20 minutes until I called them to eat.

At bedtime that night, my oldest asked, “Why do men kiss women’s private parts?” He and his brothers had seen pictures on their computers. #$%$$#@!!! We forgot the parental controls — “hot chicks” could be searched. In 20 minutes. I couldn’t even turn a computer on until after college. Are you kidding me?

Anyway, Club Penguin seemed made for kids. Fun harmless games, and cute waddling penguins whom you could dress up and make talk. My little sweet boy put a hat on his and took him promptly to the screen where he could see some school friends’ charges. He waddled his up to another and typed his greeting. “Hi Ass.” With false pride he told me he was kicked out of his Arctic world for A WHOLE YEAR!

Ah yes, the bad words. My three are obsessed with them. I had always thought my thoughtful middle one was immune to that infection — that is until I heard him whisper the F word angrily to his brother over the intercom.

Even “boner” is on the list. Yup, that gem came from a 12-year-old neighborhood demon. My oldest son confided, “We have awesome talks when we lay on the trampoline and look at the sky.” Obviously.

My three wonderful little men had managed to add to their already full repertoire of farts, burps and endless mentions of other equally intriguing bodily functions. Where are my dainty girlie girls playing dress-up with their Barbies, quietly and in the corner? Why were these noxious things in my house and why did they multiply on the weekends?

I made more rules and gave out more rewards. I yelled, gave mean looks and sentenced consequences. I even tried 30-second free reign. That’s when I take them all into my bedroom and let them talk like sailors while I watch the watch. Oh, what joy this brings!

Hopefully some tactic worked well enough that when they leave my house they don’t cause me embarrassment. After all, my biggest concern, unfortunately truthful, is what will others think?

When I was their age, my memory is that I was an angel. From what I heard, my tantrum phase was over and we were smooth sailing. No more throwing myself on the ground and screaming loud and foul when I was told no. Charming.

No, my recollection of punishment inducing behaviors really comes into focus on my teenage years. There was the yearbook photo of me in my cheerleading uniform walking furtively between two friends. Seemingly innocuous, yet it hid many facts in plain sight. Both friends were part of the pot crowd. I was carrying a brown-papered bottle of Jack Daniels.

I had signed a creed vowing to abstain from many things. I had already had a warning — or the Friday night hell ride that erased my savings. See, my parents had decided to go to my grandparents and take my brothers for the weekend. They trusted me to stay alone, except for my best friend who would stay with me.

I’m sure they felt even more secure by leaving us with the light blue Plymouth Valiant, the car with the stick shift on the wheel. Both of us only had our learner’s permit. I couldn’t drive it — especially without a licensed driver — and not past 9 p.m. anyway. Didn’t matter. They were gone and we were going.

We realized pretty quickly that first gear was all we were getting. Still, the idea of going out in our car trumped going fast. All the way down to the lake parking lot we cruised. Friends were there hanging out drinking and talking. The thing the cool people do. That night we belonged. ‘Rents were gone, no curfew and we had our own car.

It was past midnight when the party crashed and we started our slow drive home up. “Started” being the most important word in that sentence. See, about half way there is a hill with a stop sign at the top. We have to cross a busy road at that intersection, as it is the only way home. Did I mention that I had to come to a complete stop at the top of that hill in order to check traffic before I go?

Back to the stick shift on the wheel. I couldn’t do it. It was look to avoid death and then roll back. Over and over again. At first the two of us found this extremely funny. Then the funniest thing became that we thought that the situation was funny. That chorus just kept playing.

Then we really lost control around three in the morning. I swear it was because of the laugh spasms gripping my body, but those backward rolls got longer and more erratic. That is to say every mailbox or flowerbed was taken out on the left side of the hill and beyond.

The racket woke the neighborhood and the police were called. Someone was watching over us — the officer who responded to the call was a relative of my boyfriend. I had to repair the damage with apologies, and then he even held traffic.

The rest of my weekend consisted of planting and $$. The biggest expense was the car. Varsity jacket? Nope. Ski club? Not this year. My coffers were barren. Somehow my parents didn’t find out until years later. Amazing since the color they painted that Valiant was thankfully discontinued along with that auto. Almost a match…

See, my worry is if those things happen to an earlier angel, what happens to a naughty boy? This is what keeps me up at night after a penguin blackballs my kid. Is there a cycle I need to break?

After all, it was my mother who gave my godmother a haircut. Long, lustrous hair was left intact on only one side of her head, the other side trimmed to the scalp.

Yeah, I fear there is trouble ahead. Hopefully, I’ll keep on laughing while I figure it out.

— Lauren Holly

Share this story:

Your reaction:

Add A Comment reserves the right to remove comments at their discretion.

Showing 53 comments

Clare on

Haha loved this blog! I miss Lauren Holly on NCIS.

klutzy_girl on

Aw, I love Lauren! Hilarious story.

Krissa on

What about Picket Fences?? Maxine Stewart?

Loved that show.

This was a great post – HILARIOUS!

galen on

Boys ARE soooooo gross, but their mamas do love them so very much. Oh yes we do!

Debbie on

Boys are NOT gross. Anyone who says that are a horrible person. All children are a gift from God. I raised 2 little boys a year apart. They were little angels. Always love and respect me. Now they are grown and in my older years they take care of me and treat me like a queen!

mamatothree on

I think the post is sweet and funny, but since most children now are internet savvy, did she think before posting moderately embarrassing things about her kids?

Maureen on

Love the stories–what we as mothers lay in bed at night stressing over. Everything she feels is normal and her sons will do stupid things just like her. Pray to get through the teenage years .

Annachestnut on

Those boys are so cute and stylish. They break my heart with their look.

rothiam on

I’m fortunate enough to have both boys and a girl. Though in her younger years she was fun to dress up and played nicely with her dolls, I was shocked to see that she liked throwing her supper all over the floor like a boy, found interesting places to go to the bathroom, and loved to dump out the toy box purely for the sake of making the floor a mess. She currently as a teenager does not keep her room above tornado level, hates to shower, and still looks for things by spilling the container on the floor and then simply leaving it there. So yes, boys are a different ballgame, but they sometimes have the same rules. Enjoy them while they are still young!

Cortney on

Why is this a one time blog?

Pam on

Girls can be just as rude and disgusting as boys. My 9 year old niece is obsessed with burping, farting and cussing, just like her 10 year old brother.

Pam on

How can she say boys are a whole different ball game? She doesn’t have a girl to compare them to. They are actually quite similar in the end.

sachanikoll on

She’s right. I grew up with brothers and sisters and the boys were gross. Most girls are raised to be proper. There’s definitely a huge difference.

Pam on

Not these days there isn’t. They may pretend to be proper when they’re around their friends but when they’re with family they are gross too.

ThinkPink on

This blog was HILARIOUS! It also reinforces why I am SOOOOO grateful for my little girlie girl….

Amber on

“I’m fortunate enough to have both boys and a girl”

So, by that logic, all boy mums (or all girl mums) are less fortunate? Yikes. Rude.

I thought this blog post was awesome. As an all boy mum also, it’s nice to hear a positive, and honest post. She is an inspiration.

rothiam on

As if it was my intention to be rude!

kbrit on

Too funny! Love Lauren Holly

Veronica on

That was one of the funniest things I have ever read!!! Thanks for the laugh!

Chris on

Loved it! I’d really like to see this as a regular blog. I’m currently raising my 10 year old grandson and I can’t believe how much things have changed since raising my kids (now 30 and 35), yet how they have stayed the same. My house is also filled with burps, farts and under-the breath swears. And sometimes, that’s from me! 😉

Irene on

What a stupid article.

pussycat on

Why only one-time? More Lauren Holly!

Karen on

Hah! I have an 11-year-old boy. I feel ya. I also have a 7-year-old girl. She is quite different from her brother, but no easier. In fact, probably harder. Just in different ways. Don’t envy moms of girls. Trust me – they aren’t quietly playing in the corner, either! But I totally hear ya. I remember my own mistakes, and I was a good kid! I am terrified of the teen years.

Tina on

Lauren,loved your story. I laughed so hard picturing that Valiant creeping forward and falling back over and over again! Some how I think you are up for task of raising 3 boys. Hope you will get an opportunity to blog again!

NEL on

Aww, I love that. I have a daughter who’s 8 and a son who’s 2 and they are definitely two different species. But like Lauren Holly, I guess you learn as you go along…and pray that they turn out healthy, kind, productive human beings.

KiKi on

She has always been a favorite of mine! Loved the blog. Kind of took me back in time to my teenage years. Also couldn’t help but laugh!

April on

After 5 boys…finally a girl. Who did she look uo to, her brothers, who delighted in teaching her to spit. Apparently they thought it hilarious for Annie, dressed in pink, bows in her curly hair, to make this disgusting noise and spit. The more they laughed, the more she did it.

Kris on

She is in two of my favorite movies, Beautiful Girls and Dumb and Dumber. Never knew her to be personal like this so it’s refreshing to read this. I would personally like to know why she adopted all boys?

Ginny on

Still miss her on NCIS, but like her part on Motive. Hope ABC orders more of the show! And Lauren, never fear, raising boys is much easier than girls.

Nic on

Thanks for sharing – this hits home with many moms!

I miss Lauren on NCIS, and am also a fan back from her All My Children days. I think I was in high school at the time…

She is lovely as ever!

Syd on

Girls aren’t that different. My niece loves to throw food, dump everything on the floor because she can, has learned how to say a-hole (and gets a kick out of saying it),has enormous temper tantrums, runs, jumps, falls and has a blast just like boys. My girl is not some shrinking violet off in the corner somewhere reading like a demure little lady. She rough and fearless like her aunt. That being said, I did like a lot of Lauren Holly’s blog. It was kind of funny.

Kaedi on

Love this blog! So refreshingly honest. I agree with the others commenting – Why is this a one-time blog?

Lisa on

Wonderful blog! I am the mother of 2 boys now 24 and 22 years old, but I swear the article could have been about my boys!! By the way, I remember Lauren Holly from her All My Children days!!

Sandra on

I always say that God knew what he was doing by giving me boys, that was until they started doing all those gross out things that boys do. I am the third child of four and the third girl in a row, so mom had my two older sisters to do all the girlie stuff with and then there was me. Not a girlie girl bone in my body, ran with the boys, jumped fences, climbed trees, cursed, spit and terrorized every barbie doll given to me. Then I hit 12, got boobs, much to my horror, and my days as one of the neighborhood lil rascals was done. Mom had me washed and spit shined so fast I didn’t know what hit me. She knew that I would turn that corner and she waited patiently to pounce and girl me up, but somewhere along the way I forgot about all that gross out stuff, then my son Aaron was born and over these last twelve years I have come to understand exactly what the saying “Careful what you wish for because you might get it”. And boy did I get it….I love them, stinky farts and all.

dsfg on

Sorry, but I think this post is poorly written. I had to stop reading it because it jumped all over the place and I couldn’t follow it.
I do think having Lauren Holly as a celebrity blogger is a nice change, though. Usually they have newer, inexperienced mothers doing the blogging. It’s nice to hear from someone with three older children.

Julie Merritt on

I like Lauren Holly. she is one of my favorite Actresses. I loved her on NCIS and now on Motive.

Deb b on

Loved the article. As the oldest of four girls and having two of my own, boys are an unknown for me as siblings or children. BUT, let me tell you, girls are just as bad!

Mr. & Mrs. Libby on

Knew Lauren on Long Beach Island many, many years ago. Her grandparents spent time with my brother and sister in law, the
Libby’..she is talented,nice and a product of hard working, loving parents and grandparents.We loved her climb to the top in the acting industry. But, most of all, she remained true to her roots. What you see and what you read are a real person and her family has always come first. Continued good health and love Lauren, here back in Pennsylvania

momOf2Boys on

Love your blog, Lauren! Being a mother of 2 boys,(10 and 6) I can definitely relate. Keep the stories coming! As my kids would say, “More, please!”

Callie on

I was wondering what she’s up to. I wish she would do more acting but with 3 boys that may not be in the cards right now.

Amelia on

Callie, she is currently starring on an ABC show…

Anonymous on

I’m a huge fan of hers, really miss her on NCIS! I like that she’s a normal mom and not some kind of diva.

itznia on

Finally…someone who is actually honest!!!

ally on

I remember you from All My Children loved you then and wish to see more of you in LMN movies, so many can’t list them all.

Your blog was so funny and I can relate to having boys……..

Hope to hear more from you.

Caty on

I can relate to your teenage antics, as I grew up inthe FLX region too!

Anonymous on

Lighten up Debbie…she still loves her kids lol.

My family is all girls (including my sisters and my daughters and my niece) until my nephew was born in 2001. We love the he plays football but, he is ALL boy, and just completely different than the girls. Its alot of fun just because is the unknown.

Liz on

Great story. You’re a wonderful story teller, Holly!

Lemom2 on

I’m a mother of two boys separated by two and a half years. I hold my breath each time we walk out the door or exit the car. . . . What could possibly happen in such a short walk out the door? I find myself totally thrown when one of them decides to inspect the exhaust pipe under the car and casually ask, “Mom, what’s this?” as he wipes his finger across it! Or run off when they see a friend, dog, the mailman, etc. Can’t they understand we have somewhere to go and that it’s not time for me to go hunt them down?! No errand is easy with them and it just rolls me because I don’t remember doing ANY of this stuff when I was a kid. They are both young so I’m really hoping this mischief calms down when as they get older. I know puberty and the teen years are tough, but that’s to be expected. My two look angelic but I do feel as though this devilish behavior will get the best of me.

lola on

I thought I wanted a boy. So glad for my 2 little girls. Still angels….so far.

jmquinnn on

As the mom of two sons, this was awesome! Sons need a mom with a sense of humor. The biggest challenge is to not let them see you laughing! “Look. Her shoulders are shaking…” We also had the house where all the boys hung out. Kids need a place to go! Boys also need hobbies or they get into trouble. My oldest was into cars, the youngest into music. The rock band practiced regularly at our house. My greatest compliment was when the drummer came upstairs for some water and returned to the band to announce…”We’re pathetic! Your mom is sleeping on the couch!” I was also told “NIck (the drummer) never talks to his own parents but he talks to you, Mom.” Listening is a parent’s best weapon. Hmmm…it’s a little too quiet in there…” Remember…hearing is what you do with your ears. Listening is what you to with your heart.

Kim on

This is really funny I just came across this, I can definitely relate having two boys myself. I wish Holly would write more blogs. People who take offense lighten up you have to have a great sense of humor to be a parent whether you have boys or girls!

Tracy on

Great blog!!! I have a boy & a girl. My son can be sooo gross, loud & annoying. But then the next minute be a darling. My daughter is very girly, loves to play dolls but she is the one I worry about more. Attitude! I think boys can be more easy going then girls. I love my daughter to death but if she had been my first…she would’ve been my last.

Jenn on

Great story Lauren, great story! You are so funny. Relaxed and enjoyed reading this.