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Constance Marie’s Blog: All Covered In Smudge

10/01/2012 at 07:00 PM ET

Look who’s back! We’re thrilled to say hello again to Constance Marie, our original celebrity blogger!

The actress, mom to daughter Luna Marie, 3½, with fiancé Kent Katich, stars on Switched at Birth, airing Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC Family.

She’s also one of the celebrity voices narrating beloved children’s stories for Little Golden Records, available now at Walmart.

Marie, 47, can also be found online on Facebook and @goconstance on Twitter. If you’ve missed any of her past posts, check them out here.

In her latest blog, the actress struggles with smudge — we’ll let her explain.

I won an ALMA Award! – Courtesy Constance Marie


WHAT THE HECK IS HAPPENING TO ME? A.K.A. A LAYER OF SMUDGE ANYONE?

My name is Constance Marie and I am covered in a layer of smudge. Sounds glamorous right? I don’t know when it happened, I don’t know how it happened, but I am officially covered in smudge. Moms of America, you know exactly what I am talking about. This smudge can start with something as simple as your eyeglasses. Suddenly, as if by some childlike magic. there appears a thick layer of smudge that is covering your eyeglass lenses CONSTANTLY!

Oh yes, you can wipe it, but 10 minutes with your toddler and it comes right back. You fight it at first, constantly wiping, cleaning, but then you think, “F— it! I’ll just leave it.” I mean, I can still see. I’ll just look around the cloudy parts. But, the scary part; the smudge doesn’t stop there. It spreads. Oh baby, does it spread — to these basic three categories: your clothes, your car, and last but so not least … your purse!

What exactly is smudge? Let me explain. Smudge could also be defined as a toddler’s remnants. Like fairy dust, but instead it’s little bits of mess. Your clothes become magically covered in stickers, marker, questionable stains and my all-time favorite … boogers!

Here’s an example. One time, I went to a work meeting and I took my purse off my shoulder to grab something and noticed rhinestone stickers on it. I quietly and discreetly picked them off and put my bag back on my shoulder. A few minutes later I go into my bag again to get something and there are more rhinestone stickers on my purse! They weren’t there just a few minutes ago and my daughter was not invited to this meeting! So I pick those off and carry on.

At the end of my meeting I reach into my bag and there are more rhinestone stickers, like six this time, and I have no idea what is going on. Until I look over my left shoulder towards the back where I have been replacing my bag every time and I am covered in about 10 more little rhinestone stickers!

Did I mention my daughter was a sticker stealth? I don’t know when she put them there but they stayed the entire time only to keep coming off on my purse (and slowly driving me insane). I also realized that NOT ONE PERSON POINTED OUT TO ME THAT MY LEFT SHOULDER WAS COVERED WITH MULTI-COLORED RHINESTONE STICKERS!! Seriously, my left shoulder looked like Michael Jackson … very shiny! How they got there or when it even happened, I don’t know.

Hats off! – Courtesy Constance Marie

Another example, picture this. Me, about to walk onto a red carpet to pose for photos and I look down and I see a long, milky white, streak on my nice, fancy blue shirt (what it is, I honestly am afraid to ask). It wasn’t there when I got dressed but of course, then I said goodbye to my daughter. I’m about to walk in front of rows and rows of photographers so, Mothers of America, you know what I did. I licked my thumb and tried to scratch it away. WHAT ARE MY OPTIONS?!! Come on, you know you feel me. You’ve been there.

Next up, my car! The only way I can express my outrage about what has happened to my car is WTF? Did a bomb go off in there or what? It’s like a mini tsunami has flowed from the carseat in the back and exploded everywhere! Literally everywhere! I’ve got tissues and stickers and half-eaten food. Don’t even get me started on the amount of raisins and O’s (the organic version of Cheerios) that litter every nook and cranny of this vehicle. I think I even smell a half-eaten banana somewhere! Honestly, I’m afraid to look.

Oh look, that’s where my makeup rolled to! I’ve got utensils, used or not, I don’t know, but I’m not touching them. And the wads of tissues, baby wipes and half-eaten fruit smoothies (without the top because you know it rolled under the seat), that are exploding out the little trash bins in the car doors are quite frightening. I’m afraid to even tell you about my car windows. The best part of all this … I JUST WASHED MY CAR TWO DAYS AGO!!

And last, but SO not least … my purse! It says Gucci on the outside but inside it is like an unending black hole of crap. I’ve got everything in there. I JUST CAN’T FIND IT WHEN I NEED IT!! I’ve got Band-aids, stickers, shoe laces, hand sanitizer, receipts from every grocery shopping trip I’ve ever taken, extra kids socks, a raisin snack box … did I mention more Band-aids?

I even have these things called Wikki Stix. I don’t know what they are but they are some kind of sticky, bendy, toy sticks that make my daughter happy. I have crayons, Post-its with lists of the many, many, many, many things I have to do and will try to squeeze into one day (totally not going to happen!). If I can only find the list when I need it later in the day.

You may have noticed, not one of these things is mine … okay maybe the Post-its. Add on top of all this, a cell phone, sunglasses, car keys, headphones, possibly some makeup I can never be sure … oh yeah and money. I might need some of that throughout the day.

Face-painting… – Courtesy Constance Marie

It is just incredible and mind-boggling to me the amount of stuff that fits into one bag. What is also mind-boggling — and I may have said this before — is I CAN NEVER FIND ANYTHING WHEN I NEED IT!! I KNOW it’s in there, I just put it in there, whatever it was that I needed. Not just 10 minutes ago right before my daughter called me about, oh I don’t know, I’m guessing 20 times in the last 15 minutes. And now, I look in my purse and SURPRISE! I can’t find what I need.

This process and what my car, my clothes and my purse have become astounds me. Full disclosure, my house is starting to look a little shaky too. I will admit I waste oh so many precious minutes literally walking around in circles or going from room to room to find things while I keep having to stop to answer my daughter who is repeatedly saying, “Mama! Mama! Excuse me … MAMA!” Because you know if she’s using her manners, I HAVE to answer.

I used to be a very neat (mostly) and organized person. I mean, at least I knew where everything was. I could go right to it when I needed it! Like a normal person! My clothes matched perfectly and looked clean. I even used to use a lint roller. Now, I can’t even find the damned thing.

And you know what? I don’t care, because this is my new reality. And I’ve learned I don’t have the time to look for the elusive frickin’ lint roller. I’m too busy trying to find things in my damned purse! I lost my makeup bag three days ago. At this point, I’ve just given up. This is the face I’ve got and if people don’t like it, don’t look at it!

Okay, I’m not totally crazy — I do still have lip gloss and I think there’s some mascara on the floor of my car. I can’t be sure.

The sad part of all this, is I used to quietly in the privacy of my own non-mommy mind, kind of judge my friends and other women, like that overwhelmed disheveled lady at the grocery store. I actually used to have the thought, “Come on, ladies. At least use a lint roller!” Seriously, I could almost judge their entire day’s activities by the remnants on their clothes and if they had pets or not.

I have now transformed into that overwhelmed, disheveled lady at the grocery store. Karma is going to be a bitch. So to wrap up … my name is Constance Marie, and I am covered in a layer of smudge. Let the judging begin!

Where’s my makeup?! – Courtesy Constance Marie

– Constance Marie

More from Constance’s PEOPLE.com blog series:

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Showing 23 comments

Anonymous on

I know exactly how you feel about the rhinestone stickers. Once all of my cousins and I stuck our nametags on my grandpa’s back and he went to lunch, the mall and to the grocery store wearing them. It’s just something that kids love to do!

Love your blog by the way! Real-life situations that could easily be made into your own sitcom! LOL

Lourdes on

i thought it was just me.. My car looks like a mess every day, i just went to the car wash this morning and there are crackers, raisins, water bottles, tissues, wipes… on the floor already… My clothes have stains all over, from markers, crayons or bleach stains from cleaning after my kids… Like you, I don’t care anymore. I know eventually it will go back to the way it was before i had kids.. If people don’t like it, don’t look at it…

Monica on

I have often said that I would rather have a messy house and happy family than live in a museum. Same goes for my car, purse, closet, anywhere that I or my kids touch. It only lasts for a few years so why stress myself out trying to make things perfect when they will just get messed up in 2.2 seconds anyway? Kids grow up so fast- I’ll have a clean house again in about 18 years. I’ll invite you over then.

Lynette on

Yep – I embrace my mess and stickiness. Everything in our house is covered with sticky. My SIL told me once that as her kids got older, things are still sticky because they try to clean it up but don’t tell her about the mess and don’t really clean it up. I hate big bags and have a tiny purse and still somehow manage to have it full of crayons, pacifiers, hair bows, toy cars, crackers, fruit snacks, etc. But I am with the others – I love my messy, happy home.

MA momma on

Good gracious holy macaroni! THAT made me laugh first thing in the morning. Thank heavens I have my own office and not a cubicle because my co-workers will seriously think I’ve lost my marbles (there are probably some in my purse!) That opening line about smudges on everything, I am right there with you Constance, having worn glasses for 3/4 of my life, those darn smudges appear as if by magic! BUT, it means that one or both of my two precious, precocious girls has given me hugs and kisses and for that, I will take all the smudges in the world!

Elara on

I love her blog. She is so funny and down to earth…and I love the pictures of her with no makeup, making faces, being silly and, just playing with her kid. Unlike other celeb moms (no one specifically) who do fancy photo shoots and have to look perfect. Not that they shouldn’t do that if they want, but it’s refreshing to see when celebs are relaxed and just being regular people, smudges and all.

Kristin on

I have always loved your blogs and I still do. You just perfectly described my world right now. My husband cannot understand how my car can get so messy so quickly. Then he puts them in his car and figures it out pretty quickly. lol. That being said, I wouldn’t trade a second of it. It is a constant reminder that I am a mom and I love every part of it. Smudge and all. Thank you for the wonderful blog.

Jen on

Hi-larious! This is great. I love this woman and I completely enjoy reading her refreshingly honest Blogs! Being a momma of two girls (2 and 4), I can honestly say that I completely relate to everything mentioned in this post. Thank you for keeping it real, Constance!! You rock, woman ;-)

Melodie on

I love it…and all the moms who have left comments, yay I’m not the only one!!! My 8 & 5 year old try to clean up but sometimes it just spreads the mess around more! This is my favorite mom blog to read, Constance Marie is not only very funny but she is not afraid to show her human side :)

Kidd on

I actually had a hard time reading this article through the layer of grime on my iPad that was left by my two boys! Someone asked me if it was time for a new fridge, mine is so messy on the outside! Add baby number 3 to the mix and I don’t know if I’ll ever see out of my windows again.

I think when they hand you a baby you should have to take a pledge “I hereby promise never to judge another woman again…”

I also appreciate the mild profanity, I’m right there with you!

Can’t wait to read your next blog!
Caroline

Jennifer on

I’m so glad I’m not the only one. I always seem to notice these perfectly put together moms with their perfect outfits, hair and cars and it’s like they’re from another planet. Meanwhile every nice thing I buy within a couple of days be ones grimy. I bought a new Skip Hop park may I was so excited about and now after about two uses it is covered in “smudge.” it’s tough when before baby we tried so hard to be neat and organized and clutter free. But I’m starting to slowly loosen up and just let it go as having a happy child is the greatest joy in the world.

Michele on

Wait until you have #2, or better yet, #3. I remember having one five-year-old, one three-year-old and a newborn. Trying to get oldest to the bus stop while dragging toddler and in the midst of a breastfeeding session. Detach baby, throw on coats, baby now screaming, running late. Put screaming baby in stroller, toddler now having tantrum, running to bus stop. Bus driver tries to conceal horror at sight of my braless, unshowered self with open jacket and huge wet spots on my shirt. Ah, memories…

Anonymous on

Lol made my day! I know exactly what you are talking about – since my son was born my glasses haven’t been clean!

Kel on

I can take the smudges and the stickers and the spilled water and the crumbs everywhere and the Captain Crunch peanut butter cereal nuggets embedded deep into my carpet.

But THE LEGOS!!! And the MARBLES!!! Ugh – I think the bottoms of my feet are permanently bruised from stepping on them every, single day.

Juliet on

My house is a mess, and I wouldn’t have it any other way :)

Carrie M on

Yep, sounds about right. I was always a neat-freak and I try hard to be neat still but sometimes I just throw up the white flag and surrender!! After spending so much time tidying up, it’s all ruined 10 minutes later! What’s the point??? !! It’ll be immaculate in about 10-15 years!!!!!!

KATRIKA on

I love your posts. So funny and so realistic. My situation has improved…my once toddler is now 8…Thank God! Of course we are now going through the…I’m almost a pre-teen so I use as many SAT words that I can and I can engage in embarrassing highly non-age appropriate conversation!!! Enjoy the stickers!!!

kim k on

love your blog!!!!

Mommabear on

OMG I love it! I went through the glitter stage with my youngest daughter. One time I had to run to the grocery store while we were baking and when I got back I went into the washroom to wash my hands and when I looked into the mirror I almost dropped dead of embarrassment. I had purple glitter lop sided across my lips, under one eye and across one check. I then realized why I was getting so many weird looks at the store and why the cashier was smirking! I even said to my husband why the hell would you let me go out like this and he said he thought it was some kind of new style! Wait until your daughter gets a little older, they just learn new things like taking all of mommies change for coffee and replacing it with chuckie cheese game tokens, ya, the lady at the Tim Hortons drive thru window didn’t think it was too funny, I’m guessing she doesn’t have kids!

Mommabear on

LOL Mick!

DAMITA on

It sounds exactly like me. I have a 15 month old and i used to judge other “messy” moms. Guess what! I’m that mom and I wouldn’t change it for anything.

lyn on

Love it! This is so my life too. I have just about given up hope for having a clean car for the next few years of my life. Yesterday I reached in my purse and there was a half eaten lolipop stuck to my wallet. I also tend to find a Hot Wheels car and a plastic dinosaur in there too. I always keep baby wipes in my purse. Those things are like magic for smudges of all kinds!

mommytoC on

hahaha! planet motherhood at its best! :)

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