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Edie Falco: My Kids Think Everyone Is Adopted

04/12/2012 at 11:33 AM ET
Theo Wargo/Getty

When it comes to expanding the family, Edie Falco‘s son Anderson has his own ideas on the topic — and the actress is (for now!) more than happy to go along with his thought process.

“My son says, ‘So then the lady has the baby in her belly,’ and then I said, ‘And when the baby comes out she gives the baby to the mommy,’” the Nurse Jackie star, 48, told Anderson Thursday.

“I’m thinking I’m going to wait with that as long as I can, the fact that some of the ladies keep the babies for their own. We will get to that.”

The 8-year-old’s version of events come from his own experience; He — as well as Falco’s daughter Macy, 4 — was adopted and the discussion has remained on the table ever since.

“I mean, the word adoption has been a part of my house. I don’t know if they know not every one of their friends is adopted,” Falco explains.

“Maybe they think it’s the way everybody comes into a family, but we are also living in a time where it’s just not the stigma it was when I was a kid.”

But even when the time does come to explain to her children the many ways families are formed, Falco — who plans on speaking from her heart –  isn’t worried about her approach.

“The second you are handed a newborn it is yours. It doesn’t matter what body it came out of. I’ve never felt more strongly about anything in my life,” she says.

After all, she adds, although she had never considered adoption for herself, after realizing “it was time to raise kids,” Falco admits things quickly began to fall into place.

“At that time I was single and the idea to adopt came to me,” she recalls. “I never really thought about all of the ramifications. I just knew this is what’s happening. It’s only as I travel through I realize each challenge comes up and you deal with it as you get to it.”

Another topic of interest for the family? Falco’s fame. While the actress is accustomed to seeing herself on billboards across the country, Anderson and Macy are still getting used to spotting their mom’s face in even the most unusual places.

“I was in a pool a number of years ago and I heard an airplane overhead. I was with my son and we looked up and there was an airplane with a Nurse Jackie banner on it going across the sky,” she laughs.

“I thought, ‘Alright, something’s got to give, this ain’t right.’ My son looks up and says, ‘Mommy.’”

– Anya Leon

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Showing 72 comments

Heather on

I think 8 is an appropriate age to discuss the way other children’s families work. I think it is irresponsible to let them go on thinking that is the way things work. Kids aren’t fragile, they can handle things. We don’t give them enough credit! I believe raising kids to understand the way of the world and letting them know that not all of us are the same is important.

Robyn on

The kid is 8. Thinking every kid is adopted is cute at 4, at 8 it means that you haven’t done a very good job explaining the process.

Tanya on

Who cares if her 8 year old thinks that’s how all families form? Anyways, she said she *thinks* he might think that. He’s only 8. Families form in multiple different ways and he has plenty of time to learn about all that later in life. Let him be a kid.

Jess on

As an adoptive mom I complete where understand Edie is coming from when she explains her sons train of thought on adoption. The concept is harder for children to understand then you might think. People who don’t have experience with adoption don’t know how the dynamic works all the time.

It can be very confusing for kids and I believe in giving children the basic information and then allowing them to ask questions and giving honest answers along the way. That way they get the information they need and are able to understand.

Kids aren’t stupid they often know more than parents realize. However sometimes giving to much information can be very confusing and just as damaging. Each child is different you have to do what’s right for the individual child. There is no right or wrong way to explain it because each situation is completely different and you have to take all the facts into consideration.

Personally I feel as long as each child knows that they were loved and wanted at birth and are still very much loved and wanted then you can’t really go wrong.

Emma on

She was being cute. @Heather Irresponsible? Get over yourself.

Cath on

As the mother of an 8-year old, I gotta’ agree with the other posters…. It’s time to fill-in the story for him more completely. My 8-year old (knowing that *I* am adopted) is curious about adoption, too. I do not leave her hanging with partial information…. it’s not cute and eventually it could embarrass her.

Sarah W. on

At age 8, he needs the truth -about his birth and adoption and how it is for other families.

Jackie on

There is nothing irresponsible about the way in which she is disclosing the details of her having children. Her son is 8 – and when he comes to her with more questions, she will answer them. The child isn’t going to go through life thinking adoption is the way everyone is born. People need to seriously relax. Not your life. Not your “problem”.

Karen on

Who’s to say when an appropriate time to tell your children about their birth? Some folks do early, some later, that is ENTIRELY up to the parent. It is up to Ms. Falco when she would like to discuss her chilren’s birth heritage.

ecsheeh on

Hang on a minute. She has two kids, ages 8 and 4. So maybe 8 is old enough to know, but 4 might not be. There are a number of things that an 8 year might ask that a 4 year old might not be ready to handle, namely “Why did those mommies want their kids but mine didn’t want me?” That’s a heavy question for kids to consider at any age. She probably wants to have the conversation with her family – both kids. Let her choose when it’s right to discuss this topic with her kids. Bottom line: stop judging.

mommytocrtr on

I am the mother of an adopted child. I have an 8 year old nephew and a 4 year old niece. All children are different and respond to things differently. I wish we as a society were not so quick to judge and respond negatively to everything someone says. I think this was a cute comment made from a child and that is as far as it goes.

My nephew was with us the day we went to pick up our son. He still thinks babies are born in houses and not hospitals. I do not think we have not done our jobs by changing is point of view. I feel like as a mom, it is her right and her decision about how, why and when she tells him the correct “answer” on how babies are born.

Lee on

My sister and I were adopted as infants. My earliest linear memory is going to get my sister from the adoption agency. When we would ask about when we were born, our mother would tell us about going to pick us up. We thought everyone was adopted. I can’t remember when or how we were told that not every was as fortunate as we were. I am incredibly proud to be an adopted child (although I realize I had no say in the matter). Good for Ms. Falco!

June on

Of course it is her business how she chooses to inform her children, but if he is at school and tells his friends that all children are adopted, then how is that child supposed to respond. There is no shame in adoption, but it is not always what happends. Unless your children don’t interact with others, it might be time to tell them the truth. It is not harmful at that age.

Marsha on

All four kids in my family were adopted so hearing that Edie Falco;s son believes this is funny. We were brought up to feel that we were special and had been specially picked for our family. I used to tell kids who teased me about being adopted that i was lucky because I was picked their moms and dads were stuck with them. Childish, yes but I still feel that way.

Amy on

Come on now she is the parent and isn’t it the parent’s decision to know when to let the child in on how they came into her life. Besides all children do not grow intellectually at the same pace as others so maybe her children just aren’t there yet to understand, only she can make that decision. I know my son is 8 and he would not understand at all he thinks more on a 6 yr old level due to medical issues. Bottom line only the parent knows when the child is at a comfortable age to understand and handle such a special and touching subject.

Anonymous on

I was assuming before I read this story we were talking about a 3 or 4 year old. 8, at least to me seems more than an appropriate time to begin the conversation. Then again I am not an adopted mother so I don’t understand the dynamics that come with that afterall I don’t explain how mom and dad made our 8 year old son.

okcmichelle on

All four of my kids are adopted; one privately, the other three from foster. They all know their adopted. We talked about it with my oldest son as soon as he started asking where babies came from. My youngest three were adopted at 3, 4, and 5. So, they have been cognizant of it since we got them. I don’t think it’s a good idea to foster the innocent ignorance. It sets up for embarrassment later. But, that’s just my two cents’ worth. Adopt – I highly recommend it!

Janiece Pritchard on

As the adoptive mother of 3 children–all of my children have known from the beginning they were adopted. They also know that each family is developed different. As the opportunity presents itself, ie my sister had a baby or a friend had a baby, we discuss it and how each family is made. For them, its a natural course of events. My oldest child is almost 10, youngest 7. By doing it this way, I think alot of the “mystery” of adoption is removed.

Mari Steed on

“The lady?” “The second you are handed a newborn it is yours. It doesn’t matter what body it came out of. I’ve never felt more strongly about anything in my life”?? So by that logic, if someone steals a child for me, once it’s handed to me it’s mine? Does this principle apply to money too? If I kill a woman and her stomach hands it to me as I rip it open with a knife, its mine? I used to respect this actress and was a huge fan of ‘Nurse Jackie’. No more. I cannot possibly imagine more disgusting, misogynistic, disrespectful comments coming from someone who thinks it’s her “right” to have someone else’s child. For the record, as an adopted adult and a woman who lost a child to forced, coercive adoption in the 70′s, it’s best to tell the child as early as they can understand it. But also for the record: adoption is about finding homes for children who desperately need them, not about finding children for people (like Edie, Angelina, Madonna or any other greedy, grasping narcissistic celebrity or non-celeb) who desperately want them. No wonder those poor kids look so unhappy in every photo I’ve seen of them. She shouldn’t be given charge of a goldfish. Astounding.

Anonymous on

I’m just curious how it is at school? Does this kid tell people at school that they are adopted? I don’t think it’s right to let the child keep thinking everyone is adopted, it’s lying to the child more doing that then not telling them they are adopted.

nacho mamma on

Who cares if she is not ready to tell him everything yet.. do 8 year olds need to know the exact ins and outs of the birds and the bees, some are ready for it, some are not. A family is a family no matter how it is created! Good for her on knowing her son and what he is and is not ready for!

mark.shark on

I too am an adoptive parent. My son “knew” from the beginning that he was adopted. It was never kept a secret as I know too well that “someone else” would have told him about it. He is grown now, but often asked questions. Those questions were answered honestly. To this day, he has no desire on finding his birth mother. There was a point in time that he thought that there was “one woman” who had these babies and gave them to women that couldn’t have them. He was five when he thought this. After everything was explained to him, he understood. Kids are alot smarter than we give them credit for.

G on

Sick! Just SICK!

Roxy on

To Mari:

I think you really misinterpreted this interview. I believe what Ms. Falco meant was that it didn’t matter that she didn’t carry the children herself. To assume that she was condoning kidnapping, murder, or forced adoption is beyond overreacting. It’s odd that you would jump to such an extreme conclusion.

In addition, I agree that adoption should focus on what’s best for the children, but don’t you think that people who desperately want children will most often try their best to be good parents?

Michelle on

Im adopted, my older brother is adopted and my younger brother is the only natural child my parents had. (My little brother and I are 7 months apart). I know we were told we were adopted at very young ages, because I remember asking my mom and dad “How much did I cost?” With my mom saying “Well, it’s more then just how much you cost” and my dad saying “Not as much as you cost us now”, which even at 4 I thought was funny.

My parents told us that my brother and I “were special, we have 4 parents that love us. And some kids only have two, or maybe one”. So I was proud to tell complete strangers at Stop & Shop “IM ADOPTED”! Being adopted is an amazing gift. I know my entire biological family (I have a full blood brother and sister) and have had the privilege of knowing why I got put up and why God chose my parents to be my mommy and daddy. Im very lucky indeed!

mommytocrtr on

Roxy, I agree with you. When I read that comment, I was really confused. Again, it was an 8 year old making a comment. I agree with nacho mamma that it doesn’t matter that he does not know the birds and the bees yet. That is what I took her to mean when she said that she wanted to wait on that as long as she could. I think she was meaning, “the talk”. She said they would get to that.

I am wondering though why everyone seems so worried about what the kid is saying at school. So what if he says all kids are adopted…is it the end of the world? She states that the kids have known from the beginning they are adopted. There will be no surprise for him one day. It is just a way of life for him.

1234567890- on

maybe she should tell her kid……but she is the mom

JM on

Wow, Mari you totally totally misunderstood her comment, it’s as if you are just being antagonistic for the sake of it!

she said ‘the lady’ because she was quoting what she would say to her son. a child! it is not unusual to say ‘the lady’ when talking to a child about a woman.

and she clearly, CLEARLY wasn’t talking about steeling a baby. come on how dense do you have to be not to get that? the whole conversation was about adoption so she obviously meant that when you are given a baby to adopt you love it from the moment it is given to you. but for people like you she probably should have been extra careful and said ‘when you are given a baby, and i don’t mean cases in which someone has slit open a mother’s stomach and forcefully removed the baby against the mother’s will, you love the baby instantly’ – but i guess she just assumes a basic level of intelligence from the viewers.

and nowhere does she suggest that it is her ‘right’ to have someone else’s child.
i don’t know what pictures you were looking at but those kids look pretty happy to me, just like normal children.

seriously, why do you go out of your way to be such a bitch to someone you don’t even know?

Dana on

This entire discussion, including the comments, is disgusting.

sam on

As an adoptive parent my son at the age of 10 slowly started asking questions. Having such a strong bond with my son, maternally, I just knew/felt what I needed to say. I answered only what he asked and didn’t elaborate. Over the last 8 years he now knows everything that I had personal knowledge of. My baby is now an 18 y/o college kid. :)

lelee on

she said – also i understood that the kids know, that they’re adopted. maybe it’s the way how the boy copes with the fact, that he’s adopted. maybe doesn’t want to confront himself with the heavy question, why his mommy gave him away – so maybe this is a fantasy or something else for him – a consolation, a coping way. did you people consider this? kids handle this in different ways – everyone is unique and has is own way to see things. that’s what is so awesome about kids. my gosh.

i’m a teacher. and i’ve met kids who were adopted. they knew it. and it never was a huge thing between friends or even in the class. i don’t get it why everyone is so worried about it…. nowadays adoption is considered “normal” – so it’s not a big deal anymore like a few years ago. and it’s not our family, so it’s not our business what mrs falco is doing. obviously, her kids are alright and that matters…

and to mari steed, i think you misunderstood this. these things are often taken out of the context – i think she wanted to say that both of her kids are HER kids – no matter where they came from, if they were adopted or whatever else – she loves them!

sorry for my english and mistakes, it’s not my 1st language.

ShadowMother on

“My son says, ‘So then the lady has the baby in her belly,’ and then I said, ‘And when the baby comes out she gives the baby to the mommy,’”

Edie, evidently you smile broadly when you say this…how terribly disrespectful and dehumanizing of the MOTHER that gave birth to your now adopted son. It is also showing disrespect to your adopted son. This is his original mother, not just some random ‘lady’, and yet it seems you speak of her as if of no consequence to you. It is only because of your adopted son’s original mother, that you bought and paid for the privilege of being an adoptive mother today.

Edie Falco seems to value her ancestry, her biological roots…but evidently sees no importance of same for the boy she adopted.

Edie Falco, you disgust me. I use to be a fan…but not anymore. You are just another shallow, narcisstic celebrity, who cares not for other women, other mothers…other than how they can serve her best…the contents of their wombs.

Erin on

Are people being intentionally obtuse or is stupidity going around? I thought Mari took the moron cake, but then ShadowMother dropped her two cents and now I’m left to ponder which of them is worse. Perhaps they are the same sad person?

CullyRay on

“It’s only as I travel through I realize each challenge comes up and you deal with it as you get to it.” Well then, 1st and foremost – learn to respect your Adopted children’s Mothers. Don’t discount them as conduits that deliver babies for others to raise. The Mothers of children who have been surrendered for adoption are just like other Mothers, and they remember their lost children for the rest of their lives. Adoption (for the most part) is a tragic and permanant solution to a temporary and heart breaking situation (the lack of love and support from one’s own family and loved ones).

Laura Schwartz on

I understood adoption before I was 2. I am adopted and I also remember visits to the agency to adopt a sister. Ms Falco’s insistence on keeping this fantasy going is akin to keeping these kids in the dark about Santa Claus and the Easter bunny until they’re having — or buying — their own children.

After having watched Ms Falco recently on the genealogy program, Who Do You Think You Are, I would have thought she would have more sense to realize that while nurture has some impact on one’s life, there’s nothing as real as being able to follow one’s own genealogical lineage. Does she intend to keep this right from the children that she essentially admits to “owning” or will she wise up?

It’s bad enough that so many states keep our identities secret even from us. When our supposedly loving “parents” do it, it’s more than criminal but immoral.

Pi$$edMomma on

Mari and Shadowmomma, please think about the children who are abused and abandoned and given new homes with parents who love and care for them. Perhaps you don’t like their terminology, personally we use heart mommy and tummy mommy, but to classify her (and the others named) as heartless and narcissistic without knowing the circumstances surrounding the adoption is very judgmental.

As for my son, he was born crack/meth addicted, feed adult food and milk at 5.5 weeks and suffered from shaken baby syndrome. Perhaps he was forced from his tummy mommy for a reason??? Any person who wants to provide a child in need with a loving home deserves kudos, not radical (and mean) comments.

acorr on

There are commenters everywhere on these blogs, just dying to start drama, you are all pathetic.

Nancy Archibald on

I’m sorry, but I think it is a terrible explanation. It makes it sound like natural mothers are just baby makers for other people. Nothing could be further from the truth. If anyone would take the time to do some research, they find that nearly all natural mothers suffer severely, as do the babies as well. It is a very traumatic experience, and one that has been covered up for too many years, but it is now starting to come out in the open. These mothers don’t just “give up ” their child. Most have been told (and wrongly so) that if they “really” love their child, they will let someone better qualified raise him or her. Most are also promised the adoption will be kept open and that their child will be told that his mother made the painful choice out of love. They are also promised that they will be a part of their child life later on, none of which is truly intended. I can agree that sometimes adoption is necessary, but truth should ALWAYS be involved. I look at it this way, if these mothers are to “let go” out of love and what’s best for their child, the I challenge adoptive parents to do the same.

jnsmom on

Tummy mommy!! How insulting is that. An expectant mom and mother that gives birth is the real mom. Adopters raise other womens children and call them their own. Big difference. Adoption is not normal as stated above, in fact it is unnatural. Adoption has been created to feed the need of infertile people that can’t have children of their own. Have you seen the Dan Rather report coming out 5/1/12 about the coercion surrounding adoption? Might want to watch it.

Maddie Taylor on

While a little weird since he’s eight, I don’t see anything wrong with the kid’s thoughts. He’ll figure it out eventually.

I mean, at least he sees adoption as something natural and something that happens a lot. I’m adopted, and I was always ashamed of it and hid it from everyone possible.

Anonymous on

Mari- In addition to what others have said, do you realize that Zahara Jolie-Pitt very likely would have DIED before she was even one year old if Angelina hadn’t adopted her?! Yeah, I’m sure she wishes she had been left in the orphanage to die instead of Angelina being a “greedy, grasping narcissistic celebrity” and adopting her!

As for Edie Falco, I find nothing wrong with what she said. And really, it makes me laugh that everyone seems to be such experts on when and how she should tell her son about the birds and the bees! I’m pretty sure she knows how to take care of her own children! ;)

Jillian on

These comments really do take the cake for the most ignorance and idiotic I have seen in a long time.

Mary

Angelina on

I really enjoy reading articles about celebrities and their families (regardless of how they’ve come about), then i get to the comments section and that moment of enjoyment is gone. Why? As people have to take EVERYTHING out of context and MISCONSTRUE what’s been said. Does it make you feel better to do so? It’s the person in the article talking about THEIR experience, not yours so let everyone else enjoy what is supposed to be an honest account about parenting.

Hea on

I doubt she’s doing him a favor by keeping the truth from him. I should think it would be harder to suddenly understand one day in school or whatever when his parents aren’t around. But surely, at 8 and with friends, the topic has to have come up at one point or the other. Kids talk amongst themselves about their families and if her son knows he’s adopted, I’m sure he’s told his friends and they in turn have told him about their families?

eagoodlife on

Some of us dear Angelina are adult adoptees who know how leaving adoptees in the dark about their facts of life is not cute, out of context or misconstrued. There continues to be stigma in adoption, we see it all the time, daily, you perhaps are not aware of that.

Carlynne on

‘And when the baby comes out she gives the baby to the mommy,’” It’s astonishing to me that the majority of commenters here don’t understand how that statement is so demeaning to the woman who gave birth to her children. It doesn’t matter that she’s talking to an 8 year old and no, it’s not taken out of context. The impression that statement leaves is that the child’s mother is nothing more than a vessel who doesn’t deserve to be called a mother.

That child has 2 mothers and his natural mother deserves respect. Chances are very good that she did not freely and willingly “give” her child to anyone. Why is it that we care so much about family values, family history, genealogy etc…. yet we care so little about the sacred bond between mother and child. At the age of 8 her child deserves a much better, more loving answer than that and one that honors his natural mother. That’s his family she’s talking about.

lori on

“The second you are handed a newborn it is yours. It doesn’t matter what body it came out of. I’ve never felt more strongly about anything in my life,”

This is one of the most ignorant quotes i’ve read. Although I am sure she never meant to offend anyone, but as an adoptee, that’s highly offensive. sound to me like she’s saying ” the only thing that matters is how i feel about the situation,not the child or birth mother.” Which is exactly how my adoptive mother treated it.

I understand that adoption can be great for a lot of kids that were in bad situations ( i am one of them.) and I am grateful, however the thing that hurts most about being adopted is how most people who aren’t adopted, don’t open their minds to the fact that maybe, we have separation issues from our birth families, we have trust issues, we have a longing to know the information that non-adoptees have access to. But we don’t because we are adopted. I truly would have thought the she understood this because of the show “who do you think you are?” I jsut sincerely wish that she will give her children the same opportunity one day to race their heritage.

I also hope she doesn’t keep secrets from them and that she will answer all of their quesitons when they have them. I was never allowed to know. So I found on my own and because of that, i realized how many lies i was told. It hurts.

gypsyqueen1 on

“The second you are handed a newborn it is yours. It doesn’t matter what body it came out of. I’ve never felt more strongly about anything in my life,” she says.”

What a narcissistic, arrogant thing to say. How disgusting, dehumanizing and degrading to all who lose while people like her gain.

No, Ms. Celebrity adopter, those children are not yours. They are someone else’s. You bought them from a baby broker and are playing the role of imposter mommy. I have never felt more strongly about anything in my life.

jnsmom on

It isn’t right for this person to be teaching her children that adoption is normal and it is normal for adopters to take children away from their natural mothers, especially given that less than 4% of the population ends up in the adoption arena. She is teaching that babies are born, and who ever grabs first is the mother. She is feeding her own ego. People that adopt tend to diminish real motherhood because they simply can’t have it.

Ella on

@jnsmom, what an ignorant bitch you are. Seriously, go f*ck yourself, you horrible excuse for a human being. No, adoption is not “unnatural” and I can’t believe no one said anything about your dumb, f*cked up comment. Animals tend to adopt other animals who have lost their parents. Is that unnatural? No, no it isn’t. Are you saying that all kids without families should grow up without a decent home or parents to love them? If you are, you are a cruel bitch. Just because this ridiculous Edie Falco woman is insensitive to motherhood doesn’t mean all adoptive parents are. Go to hell.

Cathy on

Edie needs to take it a step further and explain that after the baby comes out of the tummy, most mommies take the baby home. She needs to explain that her son’s birthmom loved him so very much, yet she could not take care of him so she picked Eddie to be his mom. Yes,kids do know alot and their questions/comments require age appropriate response and information. At he age of 4, my son asked me if his birthmom was sad because she could not be his mom. Adoption is a life long learning process and children of adoption process the info as they grow. Beware: Don’t wait until they are teenagers to tell them that they have bio sibs. Disclose all when they are young (in age appropriate terms) – I tell you it is alot easier. Get goin’ Edie.

gypsyqueen1 on

Wow, Ella. What a classy dame you are. Let’s hope you don’t get your hands on someone else’s infant.

YES, domestic infant adoption IS unnatural. Animals in the wild care for young who’s mothers have died and been killed. Domestic infant adoption in this country is a whole different “animal”, pardon the pun. Domestic infant adoption wipes the motherhood away from a young, vulnerable pregnant woman and gives it to a wealthy, (sometimes) celebrity infertile or one who has delayed child bearing beyond her reproductive years. Tell me what is so natural about that? What is so natural about a living breathing mother being exiled from her own flesh and blood because she is not wealthy enough, or married enough? Many mothers get conned into believing they will still be in the life of their children via open adoption but get cut out of the picture when they become too much of a threat for the insecure adopters who know this is not their child. And tell me this, oh classy one, if adoption is so wonderful, why don’t you offer up your own flesh and blood at the altar of adoption then come back here and tell us all how wonderful it is. I’d like all of you to do that, who claim it is such a wonderful thing, to lose your child permanently to someone who thinks they are better (they are NOT).

meghan on

gypsyqueen1, whatever your damage is, get a shrink, seriously. Calling Edie Falco an imposter mother is 1000% more offensive than anything she said. How DARE you!?!

You act like these poor, stupid birth mothers are naive and having their children stolen from them. It might come as a shock to you, but some birth mothers actually choose adoption because they are doing what’s best for their children. That DOES NOT make the adoptive parent a place holder for the “REAL” parent.

Miss Falco is going to raise, nurture, support and discipline these children. Newsflash, that is what makes you a REAL PARENT.

jnsmom on

Megan, you may want to do a bit of research on mothers losing their children to adoption. Only 3% choose adoption. The other 97% are extorted & coerced out of thier children. It is a horrible thing to seperate a child and mother. I can’t imagine some strange woman raising my children, nor could they. Seems some adopter buttons got pushed here.

meghan on

jnsmom, forgive me, but your ‘statistics’ sound more like anti-adoption propaganda.

SMiaVS on

I think jnsmom’s “statistics” were just pulled from somewhere. I have a few suggestions….

For me, the fact that Falco’s eight year-old is so confused isn’t ridiculous because he’s adopted, but because most kids learn about different kinds of families in preschool. What does he think about his mother? Does he think his grandparents adopted her? Age-appropriate, but truthful, answers are essential from the time kids start to talk.

Interesting on

I think it’s interesting how passionate people are about his topic. I can see the views and coming from those who have been involved in the Adoption world, namely adoptees, and adoptive parents, but everyone else seems to be basing their opinions off of extreme emotion! Adoption can be an amazing thing. It can provide a home full of love, and support, for a baby/child/teenager, that otherwise would not have that opportunity. Most people who are actively looking to adopt are people who WANT a child to love, to help, to take care of. Some of you make it sound like everyone in the adoption market are welding knives and masks, yet these people are generally honest, hard working people who just want to have a family. (IF you will take the time to notice, I said ‘most’, that isn’t to say that there are some people with their own agendas) But that is a very broad assumption. The majority of people that have been named in this discussion have been ‘celebrities’, and though there are many whom I don’t tend to have immediate fond feelings for, I don’t automatically assume that they are narcissistic, and have any ulterior motives in regards to their decision to adopt.

I don’t think that Ms. Falco meant any dis-respect to her children’s Birth Mothers. We have all experienced times when what we have said either doesn’t sound how we intended, or is not interpreted how it was intended. I know several Adoptive parents who have nothing but respect, admiration, and love for their children’s Birth Parents. How could they not!!??

I also happen to personally know 9 Birth Mothers, and 3 Birth Fathers, and though you might say that 12 individuals doesn’t make my information valid, I’m sure that their personal experience’s are VERY real to them. out of those 12, 8 of them placed their babies for adoption. They all LOVED their babies, struggled with the longing to be ‘the parent’ in that childs life, but also felt they were making the decision based on what was best for their children. NOT on what their families, friends, or anyone else thought their decision should be. Several of the families were very strongly in opposition to their decision, and many were supportive to whatever decision would be made. Everyone’s circumstances are different to lump ALL Birth Parent’s into one category is narrow-minded.

I think Ms. Falco has the best intentions in teaching her children who they are, and where they came from. Perhaps she is delaying something that might be an uncomfortable conversation, maybe her child isn’t intellectually in the same place as other 8 year olds…who knows. I have to take her comments at face value, she talks about adoption, and she will continue to talk about it. Her kids will know all the in’s and out’s eventually. They know they are adopted, and questions will continue to be asked. I just feel sorry, in that her job as an adoptive mother is going to be made a lot harder from things like this! Her children’s live are going to be made more difficult also because people just can’t stop themselves from judging, demeaning, and condemning someone they don’t know, and assuming the worst about someone. Sad!

Anonymous on

Whoa! Clearly some people on here have no idea how adoption actually works! Yes, it used to be common years ago for women to be “tricked” into adoption or forced to give up their babies, but the adoption process (at least here in the U.S.) has changed since then and there are a lot more safeguards in place to prevent that from happening (in fact, from what I’ve read, in a lot of cases the birth mother goes through counseling as part of the adoption process. That way, she’s informed and knows exactly what she’s facing and what to expect before she makes a final decision).

In the vast majority of cases, domestic adoption is done because the birth parents are in a situation where they can’t care for a child (three examples would be teenage parents, parents who are extremely poor, or a woman got pregnant as the result of rape and can’t emotionally face raising her rapist’s child) or are dead. And sometimes the state steps in and removes babies from their birth parents’ care because remaining in their birth parents’ care would be detrimental to them (for example, babies born addicted to drugs because their mother was taking them while pregnant are often removed from their mother’s care).

I don’t know as much about international adoption, but I imagine some of those same factors are at play in some of those, too. In addition, there is an even sadder factor that contributes to a lot of foregin adoptions (and some domestic ones as well): babies that were abandoned in dumpsters, back alleys, garbage cans, etc. by their birth parents.

Do you anti-adoption people honestly think all those babies (the abandoned ones as well the ones born to unfit parents or parents who die shortly after the birth) should be left to languish in orphanages and in the foster care system?! Not only is that just plain not the best for a child, but unfourtnately, many children in foster care and orphanages end up abused.

For example, I know one little girl who was adopted internationally…and while in the orphanage she was shaken quite severely. As a result, she has several physical and neurological challanges, which she will have to deal with for the rest of her life. But at least she HAS a life, thanks to her adoptive parents. I shudder to think of what would have happened to her had they not opened their hearts and home to her.

Bottomline: It’s quite clear to me that none of you anti-adoption people has ever looked into the eyes of any of those precious children!

Jillian on

“The second you are handed a newborn it is yours. It doesn’t matter what body it came out of. I’ve never felt more strongly about anything in my life,” she says.”

I have read this statement over and over trying to understand why Edie needed to be called such harsh things for saying it. I just don’t get it. Maybe you are overanalyzing. I took the statement to mean that once you are given the baby she belongs to you….physically, emotionally, everything and in your heart as if you have always known her. I have known every single person who has adopted to say something very similar. It doesnt matter how the baby came to be because she/they are the mother, whether adoption, surrogacy, etc.

She clearly did not mean ill will against the birth mothers of the most important people in her life, so that’s what it confuses me why people think she meant this in a negative way. But like everything, people read things for what they see.

Mary

Carlynne on

For those of you who think that being “tricked” into surrendering a baby was a practice that ended decades ago, please do your research. First of all women weren’t just tricked, many were drugged, tied down to the delivery table, refused contact with their infant etc. The only thing that’s changed in the BUSINESS of adoption is the tactics in how they acquire an infant. Coercion happens every day. Adoption is a multi-billion dollar INDUSTRY. It’s a business that exists to make a profit. As long as money changes hands in the same transaction as a child changes families there will be coercion and corruption.

As long as there is profit to be made and the National Council for Adoption is busy lobbying in Washington, women will continue to be tricked into losing their children. The NCFA has done a damn fine job of perpetuating the myths that abound in infant adoption. Notice I said “infant” adoption. I’m so tired of the typical comment that those of us who HAVE read the research, who HAVE lived with adoption for decades, just want children to suffer and languish in orphanages or foster care. The fact that children ARE languishing in foster care while pregnant women are actively recruited by agencies so they can make thousands of dollars from her infant is why we talk about the coercion and problems in adoption. If there are so many people wanting to adopt why are those children still there? Because people want a newborn. It’s about what THEY want and their wants are driving a huge market in babies.

Adoption is supposed to be about finding a home for a child who needs one, not about finding an infant for an infertile couple which is what it is in this country. It’s supposed to be about the baby’s needs, not an adults needs. When the number of available babies dropped after the Baby Scoop Era the industry’s profits dropped so they had to develop a new way to convince expectant mothers that it was good to surrender her child. Pre-birth matching and having the PAP in the hospital during labor and delivery is coercive as is the term “birthmother”. Using that term on a pregnant woman is a psychological weapon to get her thinking it’s a done deal. Having her matched with the couple in advance and having her bond with them puts pressure on her to go through with the adoption. Also, open adoption is not legally enforceable. The adoptive parents have all the power to close an adoption any time they wish yet many times the mother is not warned about this. The mother is not making a fully informed decision.

There are many more problems. Do the research. There are other ways for children to have loving homes. Read this report about the differences between the US and Australia. http://oneoptionnochoice.blogspot.com/2012_03_01_archive.html

Also read what an adult adopted person has to say about orphans http://www.declassifiedadoptee.com/2011/11/on-rescuing-orphans.html

gypsyqueen1 on

Here come the you are just bitter, “you need a shrink bombs”! That is the tired and true method for putting anyone who speaks out against adoption in their place. None of you who thinks you have some right to the flesh and blood of another woman needs a “shrink”, now do you?

“You act like these poor, stupid birth mothers are naive and having their children stolen from them.”

“Poor stupid ‘birthmothers’? That comment in itself say’s it all about what is in the hearts and minds of people who covet other people’s children. Most natural mothers I know are anything but stupid. They just happened to be young and faced with an unplanned pregnancy at a very vulnerable time in their lives. Your comment sure reeks of stupidity, so you are one to talk.

Get a clue about how natural mothers are dehumanized, degraded coerced and manipulated. One really needs to go no farther than Edie Falco’s comments and this very comment section to get an idea of what I am talking about.

How DARE that woman say “The second you are handed a newborn it is yours. It doesn’t matter what body it came out of. I’ve never felt more strongly about anything in my life,” she says.” She can negate a woman to a walking incubator for HER, yet can’t be called an impostor? The double standard is alive and well in adoption land…

jnsmom on

As adults adoptees are coming out int he hundreds stating they wish they were raised by their real mom and being a part of their real family. It is sad that infertile couples hire agencies to go on the hunt for babies to fill their needs and desire to be parents. Just because someone is infertile and wants a baby doesn’t automatically make them entitled to antoher’s child – or to claim they would be better parents because they want. What is to say how they will turn out as parents?

Over the years have read a lot of stories about abuse at the hands of adopters. About adoptees being teased as kids about being adopted and raised to think their real mom was worthless and they should be grateful that the strangers took them. It is heart wrenching. As a mom I can’t understand this entitlement these infertile people think they have. Didn’t God already decide they shouldn’t have children – maybe for good reason.

Cynthia Childress on

I am tired of celeb news and the 1% trying to set standards for the rest of us. Sure just hire a slave/breeder from the poor working class to clean, cook, have babies, take care of babies. Sounds like the south before the Civil War. I’m sick of it!

amie on

Mother and son. That’s what it is all about. Words sometimes just fail us when there is a journalist around.

declassifiedadoptee on

I understand what Ms. Falco was trying to say. And I understand why others are quick to defend her and her right to parent how she chooses.

However.

She *is* a celebrity and what she says *is* seen by a lot of people. When she talks about adoption it impacts others who are connected by adoption. So what’s wrong with giving her a few suggestions?

If I could suggest anything to Ms. Falco it would be to read up on the subject and child development as it pertains to adoption and develop an “elevator speech” that is realistic, honest, respectful, doesn’t show her thinking/speaking for her son on his behalf, OR giving away too much of his narrative to the prying public because it is his privacy and his story–he deserves control over it. Because what famous people connected to adoption say about adoption really does matter to the rest of us. Original mothers are not “bodies” that babies come out of; that’s a little anti-woman to say in-general. Original moms are moms and women like any other who had a baby they couldn’t take care of (or who were pressured out of taking care of) who have feelings, needs, and a right to respect like any other person. An original mom is also someone research indicates that an adopted child will want to know about, in some form or another, so it is best to speak of her respectfully. Remember, he shares her DNA and she embodies his entry into this world, it makes no sense to speak of her negatively and then expect her child not to internalize that.

It is not uncommon for young children to be excited about adoption, feel like it makes them important or magical, or to assume all children are adopted. Children at this point are magical thinkers not logical thinkers. At age 7, children start grasping more complex reasoning skills and logic–so honestly, it’s not appropriate to continue on with the myths and fairy tale version of a child’s adoption at that point. Embrace their new-found reasoning skills, keep the dialogue OPEN, make it about THEM not about what makes a parent comfortable or uncomfortable. Is there any amount of uncomfortable I wouldn’t make myself for my kids? No. Adoption is no different. Answering adoptee questions about adoption in an honest and open way can be hard but it is a necessary part of adoptive parenting.

Jackie on

To “jnsmom” you are beyond appalling in your commentary. Your lack of intelligence, comprehension, and heart is atrocious. I’m not sure what made you such an angry and ignorant person, I just hope for the sake of your children that you don’t pass on that stupidity for future generations to continue. To those who spoke of individuals who try to start drama on the board, I think “jnsmom”‘s comment takes the cake. #sickening

Jo on

OMG people! This is a small article, that cannot possible cover every aspect of the adoption process! The author of the article choose the format and how to place the quotes, we have no idea of the entire interview. I was interviewed for a NY Times article and spent 4 hours talking to the reporter, of which one small sentence, out of context was used (it was close enough to my meaning, but not quite accurate). So all the negativity is shocking and disappointing.

For those of you who are knocking adoption – please don’t adopt! I am adopted and my “real” mother is the woman who wiped my nose, saw my 6th grade play, along with all those other moments. I AM NOT dismissing my biological mother. I am grateful every day that she chose to give me life. But I spent my childhood being asked where my real mom was. I understood what they meant (nice one for a five year old to figure out huh?), and that was insulting – like I was less than for being adopted, shame on anyone who feels that way (adopted or not).

I for one am thrilled that there are still 8 year olds who do not understand the birds and the bees – kids comprehend in their own time frame and Edie knows her kid, let her decide how to teach him. She isn’t keeping it a secret (woohoo!) and working within his learning curve.

Adoption is amazing, but it does lead to questions about being given away and the more mature a kiddo is, the better they can process this information. Ask any 8 year old where babies come from and the variety of responses would amaze you.

As for her comment about holding her newborn and knowing she was their mom, why is this such an offensive statement? She knew she would love this child as they deserved, it is not lessoning the biological mom (I am opposed to the term “natural” mom, as that means my mom is “un-natural” and that is a load of hooey)it is embracing her child.

And to say that every woman who gives up a child does so under duress is disrespecting too. I worked with an amazing, strong, beautiful young woman many years ago who against everyone’s advice choose to place her baby up for adoption. I was one of the few who did not judge her for her decision. She talked about it being hard, but knowing that this was a decision for both of them and she felt good about it.

Remember, if you don’t have anything nice to say, perhaps you shouldn’t say anything at all.

gina b on

please ladies & gentlemen, shut the bleep up! no one asked for your opinion & since these are her kids she gets to raise them the way she wants. focus on your own offspring, you can make them believe in anything YOU want, even god.

Silly Person on

There are some crazy posters. I am just glad these kids have a home.

Mira on

I also think calling the biological mother just some “lady” who hands the baby to the “mommy” is insensitive, misleading, and egotistical.

I think the comment about adopted kids having two mothers is closest to reality. Yes, the woman who raises a child deserves to be called his/her mother. But the woman who gives birth to a child is certainly his/her mother also. That’s why we have the words adoptive mother and biological mother.

Ramona on

ShadowMother and Mari Steed are two seriously disturbed individuals!

gypsyqueen1 on

If adoption is so “wonderful”, why don’t all of you offer up one of your own children to some infertile then come back here and tell us all how “amazing” it is.

Unless you have LIVED this nightmare, you have no right to negate the arguments of those who have suffered behind domestic infant adoption and the unethical way it is practiced in this country. Hypocrites…

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