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Tina Fey Agonized over Having Second Child

04/07/2011 at 01:30 PM ET
Bryan Bedder/Getty

In those restless hours she couldn’t sleep, Tina Fey debated in her mind whether she should have a second child, the question soon tormenting her in the daytime, until she couldn’t take it anymore.

During a visit to her gynecologist, she broke down.

“I went for my annual checkup and, tired of carrying this anxiety around, burst into tears the moment she said hello,” the Emmy winner, 40, writes in her new memoir Bossypants.

“I laid it all out for her, and the main thing I took away from our conversation was the kind of simple observation that only an impartial third party can provide: ‘Either way, everything will be fine.'”

The 30 Rock star revealed during Wednesday’s taping of The Oprah Winfrey Show what her decision ultimately was: She is now five months pregnant.

In her memoir, Fey recounts her battle with the work-vs.-family issue, particularly acute for a woman in Hollywood who is entering her 40s.

She felt “stricken with guilt and panic” when her 5½-year-old daughter Alice – probably “the only child in her class without a sibling” – would say, “I wish I had a baby sister,” and Fey recalls how she would “debate the second-baby issue when I can’t sleep.”

“I get up to go to the bathroom and study myself in the mirror,” she writes. “Do I look like someone who should be pregnant? I look good for 40, but I have the quaggy jawline and hollow cheeks of a mom, not a pregnant lady. It’s now or never. This decision can’t be delayed.”

A successful producer and writer as well as an actress, Fey took stock of her career. “Science shows that fertility and movie offers drop off steeply for women after 40,” she writes.

But then, she wonders, “What’s so great about work anyway? Work won’t visit you when you’re old. Work won’t drive you to get a mammogram and take you out after for soup.”

In the end, she realizes, “Hollywood be damned. I’ll just be unemployable and labeled crazy in five years anyway.”

– Mike Fleeman

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Showing 54 comments

Traci on

hilarious:) I love Tina Fey. Always has the ability to make me laugh!:) Congratulations to her and her entire family:)

Naomi on

I love this!!

I think a lot of women can relate to the 2nd child vs work ambitions struggle. I like what she says about no matter what the decision, it will be ok. There is no perfect solution and it’s important to take a little pressure off our shoulders once in a while.

I love what she says in the end about work no visiting you when you’re old. I don’t mean to imply that having more children is always the right solution, but it sounds like she chose to do so for the right reasons.

Go Tina!

Anonymous on

I love Tina Fey! I struggle with the exact same issue except it’s in regard to having a third child. I’m still on the fence…

Mira on

She’s a smart and funny lady and a good mother. I love this interview.

I just wish we didn’t live in a man’s world where women have to lose sleep over what should be a non-issue– career OR kids.

Mina on

Mira I agree, but what I think she means is that her career is a percentage of looks and dedication. She is older, and having to put her children first. Hollywood can kiss her goodbye tomorrow for a younger childless person who has more time and devotion to dedicate to their career. For example, a working mother would never leave her sick childs side to go to work because she loves working. Your kids will always come first, so a person who has no kids can easily take their place. A business needs to make money. They dont care about you or your family (unless you get REALLY lucky). Truth is, you HAVE to choose between children or career like 95 percent of the time.

Nella on

Love Tina Fey! She is right on! It’s difficult for women to juggle it all and hollywood is not very kind to women especially once they turn a certain age. I think it’s wonderful that they’ve decided to have a second child. I think she’ll be just fine, she is very likeable in her industry and does a phenomenal job at it.

Allegra on

Well I’m happy for her then! I’m glad that she was able to come to terms with it and decide having another one was best. I don’t understand why anyone would only want ONE child, but obviously that comes from growing up with a sibling with whom I was and am very close to. To each their own!

Bugs on

I really appreciate her honesty. She’s said before how “addicted” she is to her job. I’m glad she’s taking the time now to be a mom for the second time.

Auriella on

Love Tina!
Congrats and well wishes to the family :)

Amanda on

Congrats to her!
Being pregnant with my 4th I may be biased but I think a sibling is one of the best gifts you can give your child(ren). My current 3 are very close and I can’t wait to see how this one interacts with them. A saying I’ve heard often and completely agree with “You’ll never regret having another child, but you may regret not having another”

Melissa on

This is wonderful news. Congrats to Tina!

To the other commenters, I think an important thing to remember is that Tina is primarily a writer/director/producer and the acting is secondary. She’s amazing, in my opinion, but still kind of on the cusp of being a big star. I’d say it makes sense for it to be a real concern for her.

In my industry as well (media), it’s a concern for just regular, non-celebrity women. Taking ones self out of the game for a year really has the potential to throw off your career. It’s a tough spot to be in, where it really does seem like an either/or decision, and not a “we’ll make it work” decision.

sam and freya's mum on

ITA with Allegra’s comment. Exciting for Alice being a big sis-to-be!

Allison Magnano on

I can totally relate. I have 4 kids now, but my first was a surprise and when it came time to go for number 2 I hesitated because of my job. I spent so much time on my education and my career and it felt like I was giving it all up for my job, but by the time baby #3 came along I couldn’t imagine being away from my family and quit. It’s funny how our priorities change as we get older.

I’m sure Tina will be a wonderful mom of 2 once she gets over the initial shock!

Allison Magnano on

ETA, I didn’t mean that she won’t be a great mom at first, but that it’s tough if you’re not 100% prepared for the idea of multiple kids. I’m sure she and her husband will be awesome!

seila on

She felt “stricken with guilt and panic” when her 5½-year-old daughter Alice – probably “the only child in her class without a sibling”

what is wrong about being an only child?

Indira on

I agree with her. I know a lot of women choose work over baby and, personally I don’t understand why. Work, will never trump a human being for me. No matter how much I love my job! Your job can’t love you back! Children are hard work but, I think the reward is greater than a paycheck.

Holiday on

You will never regret the kids that you have! When you are 80 what will be more important your career or your kids? I have 2 and hope to have a 3rd when my baby is a little older.

greeneyes on

Allegra…not everyone has a choice in how many children they have. Some are blessed with fertility. Some aren’t. My daughter is an IVF child after a struggle with infertility. I’m thankful to have her. I don’t focus on what I don’t have. Plus, children are expensive to raise. I can’t afford more then one child. And with 50% of marriages ending in divorce, I’m glad I don’t have to share custody of more then one child with my x.

Tam on

I respect her decision to have a second child but I don’t see why so many parents thinks it’s taboo to have just one child. My husband and I are both only children and we turned out just fine. We are planning on having one child. Being that she is a celebrity she can afford to have two kids. I just hope that people have children based on what they can handle instead of focusing on how many they want.

Susan on

A sibling is NOT a gift. Just ask anyone who is estranged from their adult siblings. I can think of at least four off the top of my head. And Allegra, you say “ONE” child like it’s a bad thing. Just because someone can be a baby factory doesn’t mean they should.

Shannon on

It’s not like she HAS to choose, is it?

Jean on

what’s so ridiculous about having only one child? Raising one child to age 18 costs like $200,000 in today’s economy. And some people havr horrific pregnancies and deliveries and don’t want to go through it again. Plus, siblings doesn’t always get along and the more kids you have, the less oppurtunities each of them will have, unless you’re a millionaire. I know many couples who have one child who was fluorished with attention and had all the best oppurtunities. By the time they were all on their third they were scrambling just to make ends meet and just to give each kid ample attention each day.

I agree that you won’t REGRET having a child once you’ve had them, but when you’re struggling with whether or not to it is not an easy decision.

Allegra on

Greeneyes, I’m sorry about your infertility struggles. I meant (but missed in my previous comment) why anyone would choose to have just one, when you have the option for two. I’m not trying to make fun of anyone’s fertility or lack thereof, I just couldn’t choose to only have one myself, growing up with a sibling.

saydee on

I myself am struggling with whether or not to have the first child, let alone any after. Everyone keeps telling me that I will never regret it, that I will be a great mom, etc., but I’m just too scared to take that leap & having my life changed forever. Can anyone relate or offer advice?

Julie on

Saydee- I felt the same way pretty much all through my 20’s, and then when I was close to 30 I started really having the urge to have a baby. (This was after being married 7 years, so we didn’t take it lightly)

It changes your life forever, but it was definitely the best decision we ever made. Now we have two children and will probably try for a third.

It’s amazing how much your mind can change :)

Terri on

My siblings are a gift to me. I’m glad that I’ll have my sisters when my parents are gone.

Dara on

Sadee, the best thing that I can tell you about the decision to become a mother is that you will regret not doing it but most likely will never regret doing it. I have 3 children myself and in between each one I had decided that I was done. My kids are 11, 7, and 2. Now I look back on the experience and thank God that I didn’t stop at any of my intrepidation points. It is hard work and it is a major life change but I love it and feel blessed to have the life I have because of my children.

On the flipside, I also understand some people choosing not to have children. In fact, I have a lot of respect for them. If you know that having children isn’t something you truly want in your heart of hearts, then you are making the right decision in not doing it. Having children isn’t something you can go into half heartedly. Good luck!

Jen on

Allegra, after having had 1 child I CHOSE to have only one. I could have more if I wanted but personally (speaking only for myself here) I don’t want any others. Kids cost a lot, especially if you want them to have experiences you never got to have as a child. I by no means want to spoil my child but I want to be able to have the luxury to do and give her whatever I want and with our income adding a second child to the mix would put a damper on that.

Secondly, I don’t want to have to handle 2 kids. The thought of dealing with a new baby and a toddler is tiresome enough and if we waited until she was older that would be even worse, I can’t think of a reason why I would want to start all over again. Some love to comment on how only children are spoiled and lonely and what have you but all the studies I’ve read prove otherwise. I know plenty of only children and they are beyond happy and totally independent.

As far as being lonely goes, most kids are fortunate enough to grow up with friends and keep those friends forever. I am currently closer to my best friends than I am my sister.

The reasons I hear for having another child seem ridiculous to me. I mean, if you really don’t want more than one, should you have one anyways JUST to give them a sibling, so they won’t be lonely, because it’s such a great gift? I think I’d be selfish if I brought a child into the world that I didn’t want but that my kid wanted. That seems messed up.

As far as my job goes, my job helps pay for me having a kid. Without a job I would have never had a child and quite honestly I love my job and the people I work with and would be very unhappy without it.

Stella Bella on

saydee, imo people will tell you all sorts of bs about how having children is so wonderful and how much you’ll love it and blah blah. I think they just want company in the trenches or they just want to see what kind of kids you’ll make. Other peoples’ children are always cuter because there is no work involved!

I always intended to have children (I have a 19 month old now), but it was really difficult for me to pull the trigger, so to speak. I had some emotional and economic concerns that made things hard for me, so I waited until I was closing in on 30. I think it was a smart decision- whatever my concerns, I am definitely mature and confident enough to be a good mother.

Observing the women around me, I’d say it’s easy enough to take a pass on motherhood- until you hit 50 or 60 and all the women around you are becoming grandparents. Many of the childless women I know in that age range don’t seem completely happy to my eye. Maybe I’m reaching, but honestly, I really do think the lack of children really hits that age range *hard*. So perhaps consider what you want your life to look like when you’re 70. That’s no guarantee you’ll get it, but it’s impossible to have something you never worked towards, right? When you have young kids, they are just overwhelming and so much work (they are fun, too, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t think parenthood is nearly the party that everyone makes it out to be-more like 75% hard work, 25% fun play), but when you get older there is the possibility of being a grandparent and I think a lot of women find a lot of the joy of being a parent with almost none of the work in that role.

Best wishes to you- I know this is agonizing. :(

Mina on

Terrie what if your siblings die before your parents and you are alone anyway? My dad was healthy as horse his whole life and developed bone cancer at the age of 49 and died. There are no guarentees in life. Sooner or later someone will be left alone…they last to survive (in the case of siblings).

Annie on

I just love Tina Fey and I’m happy to hear she’s having another cutie. I think her daughter is adorable and she is super talented and cool.

One thing I’m surprised at is the seeming insensitivy in the comments to those who choose (or aren’t given much choice) to have one child and stop. I have never agreed with the saying that “You’ll never regret having another child, but you may regret not having another.” Um, who WOULD admit to regretting having more children even if they did? You’d sound like an ogre. Besides, once your baby is born of course you love it. I think it’s a backhanded way of laying guilt on someone, making them wonder, what if?

As for a child ASKING for a aibling, to me that’s like a child asking for a pony or a hot air balloon. That’s cute but unless they’re raising them that’s not their call.

saydee on

Thank you all for your honesty and wisdom. It means a lot to me.

Jillian on

I know many couples or single parents who chose to only have one child because that was all that they wanted. There are many reasons why families consist of only one child. It is so frustrating when people pass judgement on a mother, father or parents for having an only child. thinking that they HAVE to give their child a sibling because they will be alone in a adult life. Not true at all. There are many children who grow up with siblings and end up being “alone.” And there are many children who grow up as only children and end up having people all around them later in life. There is no way to predict the future or determine what life will be like for your children as they get older. People put way too pressure on themselves.

fuzibuni on

Saydee dear… I TOTALLY know what you’re talking about. I’ve been having the same debate with myself every day. I love the life I have without kids. I have lots of freedom and time to do the things I enjoy on my own terms.

I’m married, have a decent place to live, and a supportive family, but it seems like I can always come up with reasons why I’m not ready yet. And while the biological part of me thinks I should have a baby, the rational part wants to run screaming at the thought :)

When it gets down to the nitty gritty, I know my main issue is fear… fear of the unknown, fear of the responsibility, fear of being a bad mom, fear of losing my life as I know it… fear fear fear.

I just want to know the truth of how people feel after they make the leap. I’ve asked around, and never heard anyone say they regret having kids, so I guess that’s a good sign… but part of me thinks they just aren’t telling the truth because they’d feel like awful parents to admit they liked their life better before having kids.

I know a lot of women who never questioned whether or not they wanted to have kids… they just KNEW it. I’ve never been totally sure… So that makes me wonder if there’s something missing in me. But I think it’s because I’m a big realist and think about all the intricacies of what it means to be a parent. I saw my mom really struggle to raise us, and I know it was a lot of work for her most of the time. Not to say she didn’t love us… but it was a big job.

SO YEAH. I know what you are going through with this whole dilemma. To do it or not to do it, that is the question. Ultimately, it’s an individual choice and no one can make it for you.

For me, if I don’t do it, I think I might feel like I missed out on something really important. It seems like being a parent is part of the biological beat of life and that there’s a lot to be learned by having a child, even with all the difficulties and struggles.

But on top of all the hardship, I know there must be joy and happiness too, otherwise people who did it once, would never have a second one, right? Since lots of people have more than one child, it means either they are crazy, or they enjoyed the first one enough to do it again :)

Guess there is no way to really know what it’ll be like until you actually make the leap. Feels a bit like jumping off the edge of a cliff with a blind fold on though, doesn’t it?

Good Luck :)

meghan on

“Terrie what if your siblings die before your parents and you are alone anyway? – Mina”

Then Terrie will have a lifetime of wonderful memories to look back on. Yes, someone has to be last. But you can’t let that stop you from living and having a family if that’s what you want.
__________________________

“A sibling is NOT a gift. Just ask anyone who is estranged from their adult siblings. – Susan”

Alice and this child may despise each other or they may be the best of friends as adults. You won’t know until well after the children are born if they will be close or not. You shouldn’t have a child so your other child will have a friend, just like you can’t let the possiblity that they won’t get along be the deciding factor if another child is really what you want.

People really need to stop jumping down the throats of people who want more then one child. It really comes across as defensive. I realize there are some persistant ideas about singletons, but they are starting to be disproved.

Holiday on

fuzibuni honestly it is the raising children is incredibly hard and you give up so much of yourself and put everything into your kids. I have lost my own identity since having kids ( a 5 year old boy and 11 month old girl) and my stress level is higher then its ever been. You dont get to sleep in anymore, I dont go out alone with my husband and its such a huge lifestyle change. That being said I LOVE being a mom and I am happier now then at any other point in my life! I feel like a complete person and without kids I know I would not feel complete. There is no feeling in the world that is comparable with snuggling and holding your baby or when your child says they love you and give you the hugest hug and kiss. I had my first baby at 22 and even though there has been many hard times, the good times make it so worth it!I think you should go for it. How old are you?

Mina on

I am a woman and I have 2 sisters who are 4 years older than me. I hate them more than I have ever hated anyone. My one sister made fun of me for years for not working and being a stay at home mom and then when I went out and got a job, she made fun of my parenting. My other sister is lazy (doesnt do anything really), but claims that I am the lazy one. She is also very judgemental. There are times when I am hoping they die. It cant be the way we were raised because my mom and dad were good parents and I do get along with my brother. And my sisters get along with each other but not with me or my brother.

Also, between having to split money between 4 kids, I had no college fund set up and didnt get to go to the college I wanted to. It bugs me to this day. If I was an only child, we would have had sufficient funds because my parents both me around 50 bux an hour. But the expenses of 4 kids for 18 years takes that all away.

I have one child and that is the way it will remain. I would never curse him with what I went thru. He gets all my love and attention…and finances! I am hoping he really does good and wonderful things with his life without anyone holding him back.

Ash on

“People really need to stop jumping down the throats of people who want more then one child. It really comes across as defensive. I realize there are some persistant ideas about singletons, but they are starting to be disproved.”

Wow, this statement makes me laugh lol. First of all, no one is jumpting down the throats of those who want more than one child. To the contrary, it’s usually those with hoards of children that jump down the throats of parents who choose to only have one (so it’s not surprising why they sometimes get defensive). Ridiculous stereotypes about only children have persisted through time despite evidence showing they’re not true. Maybe parents of multiple children are jealous of those who only have one because they have more money, time, resources, etc.? Just a guess.

Secondly, those “ideas” about singletons are not being disproven. I have a degree in psychology and work in research so I’m very familiar with these studies. Overall they’ve been very consistent. Only children share similar traits with first borns in that they tend to be more independent, have higher verbal ability, better interpersonal skills, etc. Several of my friends are only children who can attest to that because they are all very successful now and I don’t recall any of them ever saying that they regretted not having a sibling. I myself have three sisters, and I’m not close with any of them. We have very distinct personalities so I’m sure that deserves at least part of the blame. My father has 7 siblings, and none of them have really close relationships either. Years ago when my grandmother was sick and needed someone to take care of her, not a single one of them stepped up to the plate to help. My father (and mother) were the only ones. So much for being able to rely on siblings (or in the case of my grandmother, being able to rely on her kids in her old age). Add to that the fact that my mother and aunt don’t get along either (my aunt has some serious issues), and I don’t have much faith in the “children need a brother or sister” theory. Frankly, I’ve seen sibling rivalry cause a lot of stress and grief.

Do I love my sisters? Of course I do! But if I had been an only child, I wouldn’t have known the difference. My husband feels the same way about his sister. He obviously loves her, but he believes he would have been just as happy being the only child in his family (his sister, at the age of 25, still hasn’t grown up so she continues to be a source of stress for my in-laws). Again, maybe it’s simply a consequence of our personalities, but it just goes to show how not all kids need or desire a sibling (I like the analogy used above about kids asking for a pony or hot air balloon). Having another child solely for that reason is, in my humble opinion, dumb. I would hope that if someone chose to bring more children into the world, they’d have better reasons than that. For the record, my husband and I are currently only planning to have one because that’s all we can afford at this point, and we’re completely comfortable with our decision (we know our limits financially, emotionally, etc. so we’d rather be responsible than jump on the bandwagon. I have several friends who caved into the pressure, and now they’re struggling every day just to get by because even one extra child stretched them too thin).

meghan on

I am the youngest of four, my siblings and I all get along well. My brothers are wonderful men, who all live close by and I see often. They are good hearted and generous. I haave lived my whole life knowing that someone has ALWAYS had my back. When it came time to go to college, I went. There wasn’t much money as I was raised by a single mother and my father hid finances so he would only have to pay the bare minimum of support (while living in the wealthiest town in his state). My mother put all four of her kids through college. I hope and pray that I will have at least three children and that those children will experience the love and closeness my brothers and I have.

Mina, I’m sorry but I think it’s very strange that everytime the topic of siblings comes up on this site you feel the need to share about your sisters and the fact that you didn’t ‘get’ to go to college. You act like the discord between you and your sisters is commonplace and you blame them for everything. If you really wanted a college education why didn’t you take out loans or grants? Or did you use your siblings as an excuse because you would rather complain about your lack of options (and how your sisters held you back) on an anonymous message board, than actually take any steps to make your dreams come true? You seem to like playing the victim.

meghan on

Ash, I was refering to the stereotypes of only children being selfish and lacking the ability to –I don’t know what word to use — but basically that only children didn’t learn how to share as children, so that carries on into adulthood and hurts the way they interact as adults. What I was trying to say is that I think that *those* stereotypes are (slowly) being debunked. The most recent study I’m aware of was one that discussed that there are many benefits of being a singleton. Like you were saying, independence, interpersonal skills and the like.

And as far as defensiveness, I was talking exclusively about messages on THIS site only. In general, I would agree that ‘pro-sibling’ people are indeed more defensive than ‘pro-singleton’ people (not based in fact, just my observation).

Mina on

Mehgan, I never mentioned college until this post. I dont know if you imagined you read that somewhere or what. I have mentioned my siblings in another post but never college…so ummmm you must be seeing things.

Its not just the college thing that bugged me. Its a whole list of things. They have never done one thing for me. They have never said a kind word to me or asked me to hang out with them. I was always the little pest that they made fun of, even into adulthood. I never did anything wrong to deserve that kind of treatment and I wouldnt wish it upon my worst enemy.

So you can say I am playing vitim. I am just stating that not all siblings will automatically get along no matter what the situation, even if they are raised well and have good parents. To give a kid a sibling as a “gift” can easily just be a curse. If I ever had another kid, I would do it because my husband and I want it, and for good reasons! My kid asks for a pony too, all the time. Doesnt mean he is getting one! I couldnt imagine giving him a financially emotionally and physically dependent human being as a “gift”.

Ash on

So, Meghan, are you just going to ignore my post? It isn’t fair that you’re basically disregarding and invalidating Mina’s personal experiences. Not everyone gets along with their siblings and that’s a fact. I also know people who had more than one child with the assumption that they would be “best friends” when they grew up, but that didn’t happen as they expected (their plans totally backfired). Mina’s lack of relationship with her sisters is obviously significant to her and has greatly affected her life. It isn’t your place to tell her that she’s wrong or that her feelings and beliefs aren’t as important as yours. We’ve all had different experiences that have shaped our outlook on life.

meghan on

Ash, I read and respionded to your post. Were you expecting a response to every single point? I responded to you before Mina’s post. She has commented before how terrible and mean her sisters were to her. Sorry if I can’t express sympathy everytime she talks about her life. She posts a lot and most of the time she comes across as a very negative person and I find her off putting. Don’t scold me for expressing the opinion that I find people complaining about the past to be tiresome.

meghan on

Ash and Mina, don’t bother typing some long winded response. I’ve made my point and clarified it and I have no intention of following this stupid thread one second longer, so you will be wasting your time.

Ash on

Meghan, you sound very immature. I’m sorry that you aren’t able to consider another person’s experiences that may be different than yours. Here’s a life lesson for you: just because someone else’s perspective may not be the same as your own, that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. I don’t know who Mina is, but I can definitely see where she’s coming from (don’t even get me started on how awful my mom’s sister was to her growing up. My mother is still heartbroken and devastated about it to this day). Maybe Mina posts about it a lot because it bothers her so much. Did you ever consider that possibility? Perhaps instead of responding to her with such hostility, you should demonstrate a little bit of understanding (that would go a long way). I don’t blame her for getting defensive because you essentially told her to shut up and that her words don’t matter as much as yours (i.e., you invalidated her feelings).

Oh, and what’s wrong with someone being negative? If her sisters really were that mean to her, she has every right to harbor negative feelings. If her upbringing was less than pleasant and that influences some of her decisions now as an adult (e.g. whether she has more than one child or not), then more power to her. It shows she’s using her brain.

fuzibuni on

Hey Holiday,

Thanks for the thoughtful and honest response. The reason I’m debating the issue with myself right now is because I’m 33, almost 34.

My husband and I just got married at the end of last year and have been enjoying our time together as a couple, but we know we should probably make a decision about children pretty soon.

If age wasn’t a factor we would both be happy to take a few years to spend together, just the two of us. However, the reality is that neither of us are getting younger and waiting for awhile might come back to bite us.

Problem is that while my husband and I both think we want kids in theory, the idea of having real ones strikes terror into our hearts! We don’t feel ready quite yet. In fact, I don’t know if I will ever feel ready… even if I did wait for a couple more years. I’ve always been hesitant and overwhelmed by the idea of having children, for as long as I can remember.

I’m a pretty independent woman and have lived my life on my own terms. It was a big thing for me to get married, but at least I was committing my life to someone I know and love… but when you have a baby you are committing your life to someone you’ve never met, and putting yourself in a situation that is completely unknown.

I’m often prone to over thinking things, and this is probably a good example of that… but it’s one of the most final decisions a person can ever make and there is no turning back once you do it, so I just want to make sure I’m SURE. Too bad I can’t do a trial run first to see how I like it!

Mina on

Thanx Ash, you are right! I’m sorry for your mothers bad experience with her sister too.

saydee on

fuzibuni: wow! everything you said is exactly how I feel! It makes me feel a little better knowing that someone else struggles with the same feelings daily. It has started to overwhelm me lately. I am in my almost-mid 30s and I’m feeling like it’s now or never. I am in a happy marriage, financially stable, and healthy, so I have no excuse. My husband and I are both stuck with the fear of doing it. I keep hoping that I will wake up one day with the feeling of “I am ready!”, but nothing yet. I am so envious of women who yearn for a baby. Thank you soooo much for your post, fuzibuni!!!!! Good luck to you, too!

fuzibuni on

You’re welcome Saydee… your post helped me too. The thoughts and pressure of when and if to have a baby is consuming me lately too. Doesn’t help that the in laws are practically chanting “when are you going to have a baby?!” every single time we see them. Argh.

I’m going a little nuts to be totally honest ;)

Holiday on

It is a huge decision but I can guarantee you that you will not regret being a parent! I dont over think things at all and just jump into things without putting a ton of thought into it and my husband and I were 21 and JUST married and we decided lets have a baby and that was that. He was conceived that month! 34 is getting so close to advanced maternal age… not that you are old but your eggs are getting older and if I were you I would not be wasting any time just incase of fertility problems. Babies are amazing and I am so sad I will not be able to have another one. I was 26 when I was done having kids (now I am 27) and still wish for one more!

Susan on

Saydee and Fuzibuni,

I don’t know if anyone is reading anymore but my advice is do NOT have a child because you think you “should” or you fear getting too old. It is life changing. I love my child (ONLY child, ha ha) more than anything but during her first year of life I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about how much easier (better?) life was before she was born. Like, I thought about it daily because I was so exhausted and just tired of caring for someone 24/7.

Yep, I realize that sounds pretty selfish, but it’s the truth. I like how someone else said no one will ever admit that they wish they’d never had their child, but I guarantee people think that sometimes.

And FWIW, I truly did just wake up one day and decide that I really, really wanted a baby.

I think there is a difference between normal fear and fear telling you that you aren’t ready.

My sister didn’t have kids and still agonizes over it (she’s 48) not because she thinks she made a mistake but because SOCIETY tells her she made a mistake. I am pretty much the only person who has ever congratulated her for making the right decision for her life, everyone else just feels sorry for her. Even though her life is fantastic.

saydee on

@fuzibuni – my inlaws & friends are constantly giving us the guilt trip that we haven’t had kids yet, that we can’t wait forever, blah blah blah. So we are constantly feeling the pressure. It’s an every day battle for me. I feel so left out.

@Holiday & Susan – thank you for your wisdom. I do have days where I feel so selfish that I’m glad that I don’t have kids, yet I feel lost in life & that something is missing, and I know it’s the fact that I don’t have kids when everyone that I’m surrounded by does. I have no doubt that I will be a good mom because I love kids (I ADORE my niece & nephew) and people have said that I’m good with them…..it’s just knowing that my life will do a 180 degree change is the part that scares me.

I know I’m just overthinking everything. I’ve just let the fear overcome me to where I don’t feel like myself anymore. I just don’t know how to overcome this. It’s something that only I can do.

fuzibuni on

Susan, that was so refreshing to read! Thanks for sharing your experience. I think a lot of people feel the way you did, but don’t say it outloud. It doesn’t make you sound selfish at all… just honest.

I was talking to some friends over the weekend who have a young son that they love to pieces. We’ve been friends for a long time, so I felt comfortable asking if there was ever a moment when they second guessed their decision. They admitted there was a stretch of time they seriously fantasized what it would be like to give him up for adoption (insert gasps of horror here). They said they had planned for him and thought they were prepared for having a child, both financially and emotionally… but the reality was almost too much to bear at times. I didn’t judge them for it and was grateful for the truth.

Another couple I know always talked about wanting a large family… But after they had their first they never talked about having more again, and their child is almost ten now.

Honestly, if it wasn’t for my age I would love to take my sweet time with this, but I feel that biological hammer beating on my door. Damn clock! Why can’t life be on my schedule? ;)

I think you’re correct that there is normal fear of the unknown and then there is fear that you should heed… the kind that’s trying to tell you to be careful because you might get in trouble. As much as my body is gunning for this, I can’t seem to overcome my hesitation. Maybe if I give myself a little more time I will feel differently… or maybe I won’t, and I guess that is okay too :)

Thanks again for your comment.

Mags on

Good Lord, have a child if you want a child, but don’t have a child “FOR” your other child…you don’t present a brother or sister as a gift to a child who is, after all, a child, not a parent. I’ve seen people do this and the first child grows up thinking that what they ask for, they should get (and usually do) while the second child experiences some resentment over being an after-thought, a “have-to” or a gift for the older golden child…and they just “know” these things. This interview left me cold and my fondness for Tina faltering.

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