Constance Marie’s Blog: In the Trenches of Motherhood

05/26/2010 at 09:00 AM ET

After kicking off her first column with a family introduction, our newest celebrity blogger Constance Marie is back for more. This week, the actress — who lives in California with her fiancé, yoga instructor Kent Katich, and their 15-month-old daughter, Luna Marie — discusses the importance of finding supportive friends to have your back.

Courtesy Constance Marie

THANK YOU to everyone for taking the time to read and comment on my blog!

Regarding my last post — the 10 month thing? To clarify … My uterus says 40 weeks totals 10 months! And I actually have a photo of my uterus, sitting on my chest during my cesarean, looking like a huge, bloody 25 lb. Butterball turkey! And this is after they had taken the baby out! I was so not going to argue with my uterus, and I suggest you don’t argue with yours either! ‘Nuf said! ;)

My topic for today: Get thee to a mommy group ASAP!!!

Seriously, there should be one in the frickin’ lobby of the hospital, just to let you know, ‘Your life as you know it is over!’

A mommy group is like a bunch of buddies during a war, bonding in the trenches while going through LOADS of stress. If you’re in the trench alone it’s a scary place, but if you’ve got your buddies, somehow it doesn’t seem as bad. And when you have to leave the trench to pee, someone has got your back! There is a reason our periods all sync up after prolonged exposure to other women!

Before I had the baby, being the type A control freak that I am, I had lined up support. I had my mother and mother-in-law, plus Kent was going to take a few days off work to help. I was all ready to go, right? WRONG!

No one explained to me how it was really gonna go down. That the bleeding, cracking, toe-curling nipple pain during breastfeeding — and being the only one who was on call to nurse every three hours all day and night — was going to make me feel lonely.

No one told me that I would be in constant pain after having seven layers (Yes! Seven layers!) of my abdomen split open, and would still look puffy, bulging and pregnant! I mean, crappity crap crap. That could depress anyone!

No one warned me about the psycho hormone crash I would be experiencing 24 hours a day. That made me feel alone.

Then I realized that — even though everyone was trying to do their best — NO ONE was truly, physically in the trench with me. I needed help.

So when I walked through the doors of my mommy group and heard the first woman speak, I let out a sigh of relief that lasted, oh, about five minutes.

I had found my war buddies. They were all different ethnicities, religions, backgrounds and ages. My mommy group looked like the United Nations! All these women had the courage to say, “I need help. Got any ideas?”

Here’s an example of their awesome support. When Luna Marie was six months old, my breastmilk started to wane and I had to supplement with formula. As usual, I had done all my research. But when I walked into the store, I was so overwhelmed by the gigantic wall of baby formulas that I panicked.

I typed on my Blackberry as fast as my little thumbs would go, “Mommy 911, which formulas have been tolerated easily by your babies? I am in the store and I’ll just walk around ’til I hear from you.”

Within two minutes, I had gotten e-mails back. Whew! I was gonna be okay. When I had to step out of the trench to buy my formula, my new war buddies had my back.

Courtesy Constance Marie

– Constance Marie

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Lina on

I am a mother of three and I agree with you totally, you need to have support when you have your children and it’s so important to have women around you at all times to help and to cheer you up with all the changes women go through.

cindy on

so true! my cousin encouraged me to find a group and i found a fabulous playgroup via meetup.com. all our kids are now turning 1yo and it’s so exciting. also, the mommies network community (google it) has great message boards.

Kheira Lisa on

Hey Constance, I am a new mother and it has been so tough lately. My daughter Annalise Marie is so calm , but when it comes to breastfeeding she sucks the life out of me and my breasts. So I hear you sister.

Susan on

You are so right. I think all new mothers go through that. I was fortunate that a co-worker and I were pregnant during pretty much the same time span, and would call or e-mail each other with questions, problems, etc. It definitely helps when you have someone to reach out to.

Natalie on

First of all she is really beautiful! God Bless. Support is soo important and different opinions too. I was pregnant the same time as a friend of mine but she was on her 2nd and I was on my first. My daughter is 2yrs old now and she was my breast feeding guide! Love reading your blogs keep em’ coming!
Oh and yes it is 40 weeks! Do the math ladies! It’s all lies! :) Happy parenting!

susy on

wow, this is the 1st time that I’ve replied to anything online, and you know why?
– first: Constance Marie, my respects to you and all the mommys out there!

-second: I have just being reiterated of why unconsciously I have always been terrified about the idea of becoming a mother. I rather be an aunt, teacher, counselor, or friend!

We are already too many people in the world anyway…

Heide on

So very true! I joined an online due date club when I was pregnant on babycenter.com Our babies are all turning 2 in July and we are still all fast friends who have gone through so much together, even though we are scattered all over the continent!

Jen in CA on

Love your description. When I had my twins, my husband said my uterus, laying outside my body, looked like a pork roast. There is no preparation for the way your stomach feels when you poke it during the weeks after a c-section, yuck.

I was fortunate to find a group of other twin moms, and yes, having the support of those who actually have been in your shoes is like no other.

Congrats to you and Kent. Luna Marie is beautiful and looks to be full of spunk!

lola on

I wonder if she had an elective C-section. Anyone know?

Luna on

I totally agree. Being a parent, no matter if you’ve had one million babies in your life, is so hard and so shocking. I would have died without my sister (who is a pediatrician), my sister-in-law (who had a daughter six months before me), and my little support group of mother friends. It’s tough, but easier to go through when you’ve got support. Luna is gorgeous!

Heidi on

Constance,
I am 42 and expecting my first child in October. I have to say that reading your blog is a breath of fresh air. While my husband and I are both ecstatic at the fact that we will be parents soon, I find myself sometimes on the outside looking in with moments of shear panic. Panic about things that I feel guilty even expressing. I know that I am blessed to have this happening to me and have lived a full life up until now. It’s just that I realize as the date gets closer how much this new addition will change everything as I know it. I even find myself half jokingly saying to friends that it is the end of the world as I know it. Then of course, then comes the guilt. It’s as if I feel like I should be spending every waking moment being grateful for this blessing. Reading your blog and having someone step up and speak the TRUTH of it (Good and bad) helps me realize that while those fears that I have may come true, I will survive and the blessing will outweigh the bad. Please keep the posts coming. They are truly helpful in preparing me for the next chapter in my life…
THANK YOU….
And by the way.. Congratulations.. Your daughter is beautiful and you have a beautiful family!!

Anonymous on

This is so incredibly true! I can completely relate to the lonely feeling. I too have a 15 month old. They are something else.

Marcy on

Boy I wish I met you 17 months ago:) My husband decided to announce to family and friends I had it easy since I had a C-Section and didnt have to go through “a real delivery” so that pretty much set the stage of what was to come….Lucky me….now I am expecting again, same time, same place(seriously, my first baby was born Christmas Day and this one is due Christmas Day)so I really need a group. I have no support group. I have no family here. I have made a couple of girlfriends but now I am a stay at home Mom(which my husbands is completely clueless about, so unappreciative)…Words I used to know that I miss…. Relax….Ladies Night….Date Night…none of this exists….I am truly blessed! if I sound like I am having a pity party, I am….and you ALL are invited:)

Barbara on

Those pictures of you two are SOOOO beautiful! Again, a great blog with loads of humor–love it!

And Marcy, personally I would have scheduled your husband for a C-section after that comment about you having it easy and not having a “real” delivery. Sure, he doesn’t have a uterus, but I’m sure the doc could have poked around a while then sewn him back up. Let’s see how “easy” he thought it was afterward! (And yes, this is coming from someone who has delivered both “real” and had a C-section!) Hang in there!

Ivymomma on

Before being a mom it is hard to believe that having a child would make you feel lonely, but it is true! We need someone to say, “its okay, you’re not a failure, you’re doing great!” My MOPS group is exactly that for me. MOPS is for moms with infants through kindergarten kids. We are all in the same stage of life – diapers, car seats, teething, sleepless nights! http://www.mops.org to find a group near you!

E on

Heidi – I had my son 6 1/2 years ago and haven’t had any children since! I love him more than anything in this world…. but sheer panic is RIGHT. You’re not selfish… reality isn’t always pretty… we’re only human and I’m sure what you believe to be “selfish comments you rather not express” are really normal fears ALL mothers have, but simply don’t talk about. I’m debating whether to have another child after almost 7 years and i’m STILL panicked. It’s hard, it is NOT easy unless you’re filty rich with alot of help… but what’s the point of that right? Relax you’re not alone, I completely understand you and STILL am in your boat. lol :) Congratulations!

karen on

Thank You for telling the cold, hard facts of Motherhood. Thank YOU !!!

Amy on

I just had my first baby 4 months ago and this post is OH SO TRUE. No one can prepare you for how difficult being a new Mom really is. The lack of sleep alone will really make you lose it. You HAVE to get help and you have to get out of the house without your little one even if only for a quick trip to Target. And finally YES you need those girlfriends, you have to find women with little ones too.. they are the only ones who can truly understand what you are going through and when you know youre not “the only one” it makes the road easier. Being a Mom is hard but well worth it, my baby boy is the best thing that ever happened to me!

Lola Marie on

Luna is just absolutely adorable…

Amy on

One more comment… to the ladies on here contemplating being Mom’s or thinking “its too hard and its not for me”… I have this to say..

If you pass it up you are missing out on the strongest, deepest, truest love in the world. There is NONE like it. As my husband put it, “I have known our son for 5 minutes and I would literally jump in front of a bus for him” Don’t let fear rob you of being a Mom and just remember lots of people have regrets in life but you’ll be hard pressed to find a mother who truly regrets her children. Good Luck!

LAC on

Don’t stress though- in the blink of an eye they will be almost grown. Mine are 15 and 12 now, and it seems like yesterday they were babies. I wish I would have relaxed more, because even though everything changes, it soon becomes your normal life, and your life before children is just part of your past!

KC on

I just love you Constance! So many mommies out there “glorify” all of the tough parts about being a new mommy & and want to make it seem all rosy (thus making the rest of us in reality feel like whiners!) I have 4 kids and each time I wondered what I was doing wrong because it wasnt as glorious as everyone else made it out to be. Thank you for your honesty and making the rest of not feel so alone!!

Josie on

Just think about having twins, like me, and you might feel a little better. Motherhood no matter what is hard and isolating for all the very good reasons mentioned above. But also, the same mommy group that answered so many of our “new mom” questions can grow stale after a while. My kids are 3 now, and I find myself feeling isolated at times ’cause mommies often talk about the same “mommy topics” over and over again, ALL the time. New Moms must also remember to eventually engage in other activities and nurture their own interests (literature, politics, economics, art, etc) for their own sake.

Melissa on

Wonderful blog & SO true! I have a beautiful 14 month old daughter, Alexandra Sivan. It took my hubby & I almost a year to conceive her & I thought that once I finally got pregnant & was holding her in my arms, I’d never complain about anything & I’d do everything with love & patience. How naive! :) While there are certainly those dreamy, blissful moments, there are so many moments where you feel lonely, guilty, or like no one else understands. My husband (a HUGE George Lopez Show fan lol) works a full time job & 2 part time jobs & I work full time. So when I’m home on the weekends, I find myself struggling to balance time with my daughter & trying to clean & catch up on all the stuff I couldn’t while I was working all week. Unfortunately, my other girlfriends haven’t had kids yet (all of us are either 30 or soon to be 30) so I find myself missing just being able to join them for a late dinner or drink or whatever the case may be. Fortunately though, I found an amazing site called justmommmies.com. I discovered when we were TTC & never left. I joined a group of women all due the same month & they’ve become like family. It’s amazing to go through this incredible surreal journey with other women going through the same thing. They can’t replace my real life friends, but I wouldn’t trade any of them for the world!

Thanks for sharing your stories. And yes, among many other things that no one prepares you for is a c/s. And for anyone who thinks it’s not a “real” delivery, go scratch. After 22 hours of labor, 2 hours of pushing, & a 101 fever, I had to have a c/s because they discovered the cord around my daughter’s neck. But elective or not, a c/s is no joke. The recovery sucks! Will that little pooch ever go away?! UGH!!

Penny on

Constance Marie,
You are both, oh so gorgeous. I love that you are truthful I have an 11-month old daughter and I work full time. I had her when I was 34 yrs old. I had learned to be selfish and live my life so differently, and things have really changed. I feel alone allot, and like I can’t get things together, whether it be my body, my baby, my job, and my home life. Its truly the hardest thing I have ever done, bit it brings me so much happiness as well. I used to wake up cranky, and now I wake up and look at my beautiful little girl and smile. Its been rough and tiring and like a tornado, but I know its worth it, and I am trying to relax and enjoy it too.
Love, Penny from NY

Andrea on

I just found out I’m pregnant, today! I’m super excited yet nervous because that toe curling nipple pain doesn’t sound too fantastic, but I never thought about having a support group. I have no-one my age that is even remotely close to being a mommy. All my buddies are still single, I guess I’ll start looking online. How does one find support groups?

Cat on

I agree you totally need support, but after I had my daughter, that support was very hard to find. I joined mommy groups, spent weeks at mommy and me classes with my daughter. Honestly, I found that none of the parents were at all friendly, and that said 4 years later, I do not have one friend from those groups.
Even the parents at my daughter’s nursery school can’t even afford each other a good morning, it sucks. I actually made more friends with mom’s when I became a birth doula. They were really my most genuine support.

Michelle on

Marcy, I couldn’t believe how similar your post is to the life I am living right now. We really should get each other’s info– I would love to become part of a suppport group with you. I have two children that are 13 mths apart, I’m suddenly a stay-at-home-mom after MANY years of working and I have moved to a new state where I have no true support system (and the hubby doesn’t seem to “get” it). I feel you completely. For a while I thought I was crazy and solo in my thoughts but I am glad to read here about so many others who feel the same way.

Thanks, Constance.

Josie on

Your baby is freakin’ adorable!!

Anonymous on

So, after reading this artical and all the comments.. I am now scared of becoming a mother! I am due July 2nd with my first child and know that it will be drastically life changing. But now I’m thinking it will be harder than I thought? There’s really no preparation for this kind of thing. A little pick me up may help!! :).

Valerie on

Thank you! I felt I was the only one who was feeling so darn lonely! We adopted a beautiful baby girl 4 months ago and I feel alone. I dont’ have cracked bleeding nipples from nursing, but I do have cracked bleeding hands from washing bottles ALL the time! I may not have the physical changes that women who give birth have, but I still need support. I still wonder if I am feeding her enough,is she getting enough sleep? so many questions for a new mom. and extra questions as I am not sure about her health background. I have yet to find a support group for adoptive parents, but I am keeping my eyes open for mommy groups. Wish me luck!

Valerie

Jenny on

My pregnancy was wonderful. I must say I have never had that much attention! Everyone asking if I was ok, did I need anything, let me do that for you etc etc. But WOW when my son was born, I felt I disappeared. I had alot of complications and extended hospital stay. When I got home, there was no time to recuperate….diapers, nursing, colic, diapers, nursing, colic, REPEAT…LOL. A support group like this would have been wonderful!

Jennifer Mitchell on

Constance,
I am loving your blog! Good for you for not just saying that this is the most magical wonderful time in your life. It is, but it is not a cake walk, and I am glad that there are women out there saying “hey, I need a little help please”! So good on ‘ya lady. I’m looking forward to hearing more. Take care, hang in there, and remember, you are not alone!

Anonymous on

I’m not a mother…but I knew all the cold, hard facts already because I listened to all the mothers who were speaking around me. Thanks to hearing a million and one horror stories of true motherhood, I’m planning on keeping my life, my own, for as long as I possibly can!

Andy on

Hey C! love the blog!!! mommy group is the best, and the only thing i would add is if you are pregnant… SLEEP NOW!!! afterwards is just not a given anymore, and yes!!! is sooo worth it… !!! i wouldnt change motherhood for anything in this world!! LOVE like you never know you could…

Melissa on

Marcy and Michelle, I am totally attending your pity party, and I will bring the wine and the whine! I am a stay-at-home mama of three girls, and I couldn’t be happier with my life. I am truly, heavenly blessed. Also, I have never gone to such deep depression in my life at the same time. I am talking dark, frightening, am I ever gonna be deserving of this wonderful life, and why couldn’t my husband and daughters have been given someone better than me. So many other women do this, I just suck at it the most. My first two were 14 months apart (so I totally get you, Michelle) and the last I had to have an emergency c-section. Marcy, tell your husband I would do the first two labors over again in a heartbeat rather than have a c-section again! Nobody can understand what it is like to have all your abdominal muscles cut open and sewn back together again unless they have done it!! Yeah, scratching your nose hurts because your abs are tied to those muscles you use to lift your arm. What the hell is that? Oh geez that was horrible, especially knowing I had a 3 and 2 year old at home who wanted their mama back. Believe me, everything about that last delivery was very real.

I have done some very hard work to claw my way out of this depression, and every bit of it took me so far out of my comfort zone. The crappiest part? The work isn’t done. I still have more to do. I am in these trenches with you, wherever you are, and I do have your back. Remember that no matter how alone you may feel, there are so many of us right there with you. Even if we are all just a little nuts!! :-) I wish I knew how to find both of you (and the rest of you here) so I could just throw my arms around you to let you know that we really will get through this, and we’ll come out the other end with amazing memories and happy, healthy families.

Thanks, Constance, so much – for being brave enough to tell the truth and to encourage us all to do the same. I just adore you! You know, I love the George Lopez show, and I can thank all my babies for that! I used to watch it during the late-night feedings when I would find it as I flip through the channels.

ariana on

she’s so beautiful, looks just like her mom

Laura on

I’m liking the blog alot, Constance. It’s truthful and funny but I think you need to remember to address the joyful parts. After reading some of the comments from some of the ladies about being scared of motherhood, it might not be a bad idea to talk a little bit about the joyous aspects of it.

I’m a stay at home mom and have been for 20+ years. My kids are 23 to 14. It’s been hard, really hard sometimes but these kids are the best thing about me. Yes, your body goes to hell. Yes, you lose sleep. Yes, you lose your mind. Even with all that when that baby looks at you for the first time you just melt. As they hit milestones your heart just jumps for joy. It’s a pain in the rump sometimes but it’s also the most fun you can have.

Keep up the good work! For the moms out there doubting themselves, take a breath and trust yourself.

Jen on

Constance,

I always felt that I did not need family. That my husband and I could do everything ourselves. Well, was I wrong. My youngest daughter injured her arm pretty seriously at preschool and we did not have no one to watch her because we withdrew her from the program after the incident. My step-mom called me up at 5am and said I am on my way to watch mija. I just started crying! Even during my daughters surgery we did not tell anyone about it. But there were my dad and step-mom waiting right with us during her extensive surgery. I know now that having the support of family and friends is extremely important.

Golfer on

My husband is my BEST friend ad we have a WONDERFUL marriage and so much fun together. We’ve been married 5 years and the sprak is still there. I am SUPER-close to my family and my mom is the BEST. However, my husband and I are both SCARED to become parents. We don’t want to lose us and we don’t want to lose the ability to pick up and go (we love to travel). We decided to try for a baby and now I am praying to get my period. I am in SHEER PANIC b/c I feel my life will be over if I am pregnant and have kids. I fear that I will regert not having kids but hopefully I am not pregnant this month b/c I a so scared. I thought my feelings were not normal but readig all the posts make me realize I am a realist..it’s not all rosy and I do recognize what hard work it is. Moms are HEROES!

jassy on

Hi Constance. i love the fact that you take time as a celebrity to relate to the real life issues of babies and that u are not a perfect person and like all new mothers u have concerns and questions. Congrats to you. U are a blessing to us woman. Ur little daughter is gorgeous. God Bless

Kitty on

Surprisingly, women coped without “Mommy & Baby” groups decades ago and managed to raise happy, healthy children! Women have it so much easier nowadays, maybe almost too easy and too cushy in some respects. Having children is having children. Nobody said it would be easy and its a big responsibility but if women are going to do it then they just have to get on with it and deal with the tough times as well as the good. It’s hardly something to be compared to being in the trenches. I’m absolutely certain going to war is a hell of a lot worse, and it’s almost patronizing and rude to compare it with something like that.

Emily on

I have no doubt in my mind that my Mommy Group saved my marriage! After my son was born, I was a wee bit resentful that my husband (who is an absolute saint btw) got to go back to work while I sat at home with this crying, miserable, thing all day. Meeting with the mommies got me out of the house, and helped me to realize that this was a temporary season and that soon the kids would be fun and playing together. The kids are all two now, and absolutely the best of friends while we all are as well. There are very few days of the week that I don’t see at least one of them. Now that all the kids are growing, more moms are getting pregnant, and we can’t wait for the group of kids to grow.

FC on

I adore this blog and the photos that come along with it. Love hearing how motherhood is going and seeing how big and beautiful little Luna is getting to be. :)

mommy on

Im soo glad I found this blog as they have lifted my spirits!!!! I wasnt looking for the encouragment but defintly needed it.
I have a toddler and an infant and truly I could not have asked for anything more beautiful than them in my life!!!!
Motherhood for me was a very shocking experience though, from the tortuase pain of delivery to feeding my first at two hour intervals 24 hours a day for the first 7 months (because I had no idea how to get the little one to strech a feeding and no one not even the pediatrician could help). So that meant no sleep,excrutiating pain from the tramtic delivery and a little colic to spice things up. I was shocked, and missed the easy days, I missed the “SELFish” days, you know the days you could use the bathroom all by yourself, and those nights you actually got to close your eyes for more than 2-3 hours at a time and above all the ability to speak/read/think with out being interupted by some kind of a need. Now I am a mother of two and defintly feel more expirienced (meaning I take things alot easier) but the load has doubled and I feel torn and pulled in every direction: infant NEEDS all my attention, toddler DEMANDS all my attention, cooking, cleaning, laundry, and husband kindly showing his support by saying I have no time for him. WoW its alot!

I greatly believe that women need a strong support system and as great as hubby can be he is just not enough!! I dont have a strong relationship with my mother or any women for that matter and I believe that has been a HUGE missing piece as i have not had someone to look up to or encourage me. I also have been to mommy and me classes and everyone really keeps to themselves which really makes you feel like they have it all together and you just dont.

All in all mommyhood is hard there’s no doubting it but obviously as hard as it is there is something that keeps us going, something that aliviates the loads of stress. That something so simple as a smile, or how funny your toddler sounds when he repeats someting you said two days ago or the joy that comes when you play with them and their laughter just touches your heart. Even though I might miss the easy days of the past theres just no way to picture life without my little ones!!!!

izzy on

And this is the easy stage.YIKES! my daughter will be ten at the end of this year. And so far this has been the most emotional part of my parenting career. Enjoy, embrase, and love this most confusing time of yout life cause there’s nothing else like it in the world. :)

Tracy on

What a cute little girl… I like that name Luna.

Lisa on

Motherhood is one of the greatest things and hardest things I’ve ever done. I had 3 C-sections and no support my husband travels all the time. However I have 3 beautiful children and have found a great support group in Mom’s group and volunteering on the board at my kids preschool.

Sometimes I’ve felt very alone as my husband doesn’t get how hard and busy it can be to stay home with 3 kids under 7. I have found a great babysitter so I can do girls nights and blow off steam. Somedays I wish I could afford a full time Nanny like today it’s snowing here.

Then my son tells me he loves me and it all makes sense.

holly on

Okay!
I know that what I’m about to say might tick a lot of people off, but I’m going to say it anyways!
I do agree with what a lot of you are saying, Mommy support bla bla bla. getting depressed.
But I am a stay at home to 4 kids. 5yrs, 3yrs, 19 month, and 6 months….yes it’s kinda hard sometimes, but I do a really good job at what I do. I don’t have support.
I don’t go to Mommy groups. I did when my first on was almost 1years old….and I thought it was hard then….lol. what little I knew huh?
I just encourage you to dig down deep and see what you are really made of. You (whoever is reading this) are stronger than you know right now! Don’t let everyone else tell you that your life is over know, and let them tell you…”oh it’s so hard to be a mom!” total crap.
It’s only as hard as you make it!
I never got depressed, I always felt great! I know that I am really blessed by God, and I KNOW this is what I am meant to do!!
I am a really strong person, and I know that you can be strong too!!
Best of luck, to whoever needs it. I know you can do it!

This time will be gone before you know it…..please enjoy it.
Get a book and write down all the funny things too…..=)
You can do it!!

bo-peep on

i regretted having my son EVERY DAY for the first two years of his life. i couldn’t believe how truly horrific that period of my life was and how i lost everything with his birth: my relationship with my husband changed so drastically, i never saw any of my friends, my career bit the dust when my son decided daycare was so not his seen etc etc. The only thing which kept me from plunging into depression was an amazing mother’s group. so i’m with you Constance.

today i love and, more importantly, enjoy him more than anything else i have ever had in my life (he is 4). i also have a little girl that was from day one a total and utter joy.

i know it is hard to reconcile the such suffering and such joy but that is how motherhood was for me.

Golfer on

I’m super scared to have kids…I hear people say that once you have a child, your life is over. I love my life right now and would love a family to pass on my legacy to. But all these posts make me wonder if all my fears are justified..Seems like everyone you has kids eds up having a bad marriage, being miserable and having nothing but the kids to keep them going. I need someone to tell me that life is NOT over once you have kids. Anyone…?? :-)

francis on

I agree, mommy groups are the best! I didnt have the initial drama the blog writer describes post-partum. I nursed easily and painlessly. I recovered within 2 weeks from my labor and delivery. After that I was in baby bliss world for a while, except for the sleep deprivation, but I did nap during the day with the baby. However after about 4 months I started to go stir crazy! And my baby was an active little thing that needed attention and stimulation. That’s when I got lucky to find out about MOMS Club Int’l, the non-profit group (google them) that quickly helped me locate my local chapter. Once I started meeting regularly with my neighborhood moms for playgroup, it made all the difference in the world for me and my baby!

??????? on

She is soooo cute and i like that name Luna AWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!1

Nicole S. on

Oh my god! I’m 21 years old, no children but have been babysitting since I was about 10 (changing diapers and everything) and I do want children and my desire to have children is increasing everyday seeing a good bit of my friends starting already but I know I’m not ready yet.

These comments are assuring me I am so NOT READY! Actually scaring the sh!t out of me is more like it!! I always think about how painful the actual labor will be but the post labor taking the baby home being depressed part is scaring me too! I always ask women how it was having the baby the labor and what’s it’s like being a mom and usually its something like “its okay, not that bad” and a shrug of their shoulders. It’s like a big secret no one tells you and you have to find out on your own when you have your own child.

My cousin had a baby and it seemed perfect for her she had a vaginal birth and was up and about being her same joyous self afterwards. Her baby is 5 months and my cousin is still the same doesn’t show signs of depression or anything and she stays home all day with her baby-by herself. I usually go help her out and give her some company because I know it gets lonely and hard but she usually never wants me to help she does it all but does take the occasional nap! J So I figured it’d be a breeze to have a baby for me too but hearing these comments- YIKES! I guess it’s different for different people – her baby doesn’t do much crying and isn’t very demanding so maybe that’s it.

Maybe I’ll just adopt? LOL.

*Constance your baby is so cute! I’m happy for you I loved you on George Lopez and Selena!

Tonia on

I found a local mommy group when my son was a month old, and my help (mom, then sister) went home… http://www.CharlotteMommies.com has probably saved my life and my marriage. I had (still do) PPD. I also worked full time. I am STILL an active member, I have met some of my BEST friends I will EVER have on that site!!!

http://www.CharlotteMommies.com is for mommies in the Charlotte, NC area. They are part of a larger site though. http://www.TheMommiesNetwork.org They are FREE to join. Go to there to find a site near you!

Kim on

I think if you have always been high strung and easily overwhelmed motherhood will seem extremely difficult for you. However, if you can take things in stride and are a half glass full type of girl, the good far outweighs the bad even in the very beginning. Keeping things in perspective is important in all aspects of life and especially in motherhood.
Yes, having a baby is life changing but it doesn’t have to change you! I think it’s really important to have some time with friends when you don’t talk about your babies 100% of the time. You don’t have to drop your single/childless friends because they aren’t in the same place as you. If you do, then you are the one changing your life, not your baby.
Ladies who are getting terrified about having kids from reading these posts…..don’t be. You have all the power to make motherhood what you want it to be. You are still you….just the mommy version.

Ana on

I understand and agree that being a mom is the hardest job in the world, but it is also the most rewarding. I have a 6 and a half year old son that I had when I was 24 and now I am expecting my second, a little girl. Some of the comments on here make me really sad, especially hearing a mother say that she regretted have her son every single day until he was 2. And to describe your life as being horrific for that period of time is truly astounding to me. I pray for you that your son never realizes that. What I find even more interesting is that after such a terrible experience you would chose to have another!
Is motherhood hard? YES!!! I don’t understand how anyone would go in to it thinking otherwise. Is it the end of your life? NO!!! It is truly what you make of it. It will definitely change your marriage and life. Will there be hard times, arguments, and frustrations? Of course, but how you chose to handle them is the key. What you chose to stop doing and participating in is really up to you. There is NO reason to give up your friends, job, etc. because you had a baby. That child is now a part of your life not the end of your life. My son is an awesome little boy that I have thanked God for since the minute I found out I was pregnant with him. We have never stopped our lives because of him, we have just included him in what we do. I got married very young and none of my other friends did, but to this day I still speak to them and see them on a regular basis. Did I get to go out as often as they did? No, but they were all just out and about searching for what I was so lucky to find at such a young age. Change is a hard thing to accept especially when you have to stop being selfish and realize that your child now comes above all else. Don’t let what some of these posts scare you in to not having kids!!!! Remember you are not the first or last woman having a child. There are always people to help and support you.

Melissa on

I love Constance’s blog, and I truly hope this commenting area remains a place where we can be honest and real instead of worrying about getting slammed for it. I posted earlier about how I have had to work so hard to pull myself up out of a horrific depression. It wasn’t just the “baby blues” that goes away after the hormones settle down. It was frightening, and for a time I believed it would never get better because I didn’t deserve the blessings that I had been given. Those feelings are completely separate from my love and adoration and devotion to my children as well as my husband. That was never in doubt for a minute – but at the same time, I was in real trouble. I tried the support group thing, I made a big effort to make friends with other moms, I talked to friends and family, just about everything. It helped, but it wasn’t enough. It took me talking to my doctor (OB/GYN and family docs) and then finding a therapist, three sessions of evaluation and testing, and eventually a real diagnosis of what was going on. Now, I take medication AND have continued with therapy once a week for several months to keep pulling myself back up, and I am truly getting better every minute of every day. Oh, and the girls’ night with my friends – that is a must to keep my sanity.

My point is, we all need support, and some will need even more than others. A mommy group is awesome, but it may not be enough. Friends you can be honest with are a godsend, but it might not quite do the trick. My husband is my greatest friend and ally, but he couldn’t fix it. They all helped me, but I still needed more. Anyone out there who is feeling the same way, don’t stop asking for help. It may not be that you just need an “attitude fix” or that you are not trying hard enough. Keep searching for the right combination of help until you find what works for you. Now, I am becoming the woman and mother that I always knew was inside me.

I understand how it can seem scary to have kids because of what it does to your life – honestly, it changes drastically. However, they are awesome changes and ones that will very likely outweigh any other joy you have ever known. Just prepare yourself to ask for help if you need it and to keep asking until it works. A story like mine is not meant to steer anyone away from motherhood – I would rather you see that even if it gets really hard, and I mean really hard, you can and will find your way out. All it takes is one look at my beautiful girls, and I know why I work so hard at this. The love and joy they bring to my life is so worth it.

Also, when they are becoming mothers, I won’t hide for a minute what I went through, because it wasn’t my fault. It isn’t because I am a bad person or bad mother – I just needed help to straighten things out. I would never want them to feel alone or scared, because I have been there and I can help them find their way out if they need it. They will forever know how their simple existence saved their mother’s life, because I don’t know how I would work this hard for anyone else.

Jennifer on

I couldn’t agree more, I joined my baby group back in june of 2001 and while we had some 300 members at one point we are down to 17 and those ladies are some of my best friends EVER! We live all across the U.S. and I have met 2 of them in person but regardless of whether we have met or not we are such a strong support system for each other and I love them like sisters.

ellen on

I read this book called The Wonder Weeks, and I recommend it to all new moms I meet. It is super. Not so much a parenting book as it doesn’t tell you how to parent. It just explains what is going on in your babies mind, and that explains a lot. Besides that I love the fact that I now know why my daughter is Ms. Fussy from time to time. Fussy phases are explained into detail and just knowing why a baby is fussy at that period (because their brain is changing drastically) I knew how to help her through that period. Less whining from both Mommy and baby = happier mom! So I would say: GET THE WONDER WEEKS, but don’t call it a parenting book, call it a translator-for-mommies-who-can’t-read-babies’ minds. I think they also have an iPhone app

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