Rosie O'Donnell On Protecting the Emotional Health of Her Children

In A Family Is a Family Is a Family, Rosie O’Donnell examines modern family life. Footage of her own four children with former partner Kelli Carpenter appears in the documentary, despite their breakup, and Rosie says she wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Kelli and I had been working on what kind of arrangement our family was going to proceed in for the last two and a half years,” she tells Reuters. “I never once thought to stop doing the documentary.” As for how the kids are handling their changing family dynamic, Rosie says that all is well, noting “it’s different when gay people with children separate.”

“It is not as dramatic as what you stereotypically think with heterosexuals, where one person walks out … It was more of a collaborative effort of how are we going to proceed and make sure of the most important thing — which is that the emotional health, the heart and soul of these kids, remains intact.”

Adding that “the greatest thing you can teach your child is how to deal with adversity,” Rosie opines that “even though change is scary, sometimes it is necessary.”

At least one thing remains unchanged for the 47-year-old radio talk show host, however. When asked about what she thinks of first in the morning, Rosie replies,

“Where the kids are. Who is up.”

Rosie and Kelli are parents to Parker Jaren, 14, Chelsea Belle, 12, Blake Christopher, 10, and Vivienne Rose, 7.

A Family Is a Family Is a Family airs throughout the month on HBO. The Carpenter-O’Donnell’s are pictured below at a screening of the film on Jan. 19th in New York City.

Stephen Lovekin/Getty

Source: Reuters

Comments

Cute family. The older kids look older than 12 and 14.

- Belle on February 8th, 2010

Right, because when heterosexual couples break up the emotional health and heart and soul of their children isn’t the number one concern.

Blech!

- Michelle on February 8th, 2010

I remember when Melissa Ethridge and Julie Cypher(?) broke up and Melissa was talking about how even though they were separated that their children should still have both of their parents. They had houses back to back, if I remember correctly. The children could walk out of one back door, cross the yard, go through the fence and into the other house.

I always loved that idea and it was a glimmer of hope that adults could really act like adults when it came to taking care of their children after a relationship with each other had ended.

- ruby on February 8th, 2010

Them being able to stay levelheaded and sane about their kids has nothing to do with their sexuality.

- Hea on February 8th, 2010

I’m all for gay marriage and Gay men/woman becoming parent’s…however, Rosie O. has become the Jesse Jackson of the Gay community…I wonder how many gay people cringe whenever she opens her mouth?!?

- cris on February 8th, 2010

I definitely think she makes it sound like being homosexual makes for better divorced parents or more concerned parents. I hope it just came out wrong. I think people are people and therefore their responses to heartbreak and divorce will be as such meaning varied. some people will definitely handle it better than others regardless of their sexual orientation.

- TXgirl on February 8th, 2010

‘Michelle’, Rosie didn’t say that about heterosexuals. She said “sterotypically’, and she is right. Just using the examples we see through the media (and not researching statistics), with all their fighting, hatred towards each other, custody battles (eg Brittney/Kevin, Jon/Kate, etc) she is right. Any time anyone can truly put their children’s feelings/thoughts first it’s the most wonderful, and it’s not always easy to do, but it can be done. Kudos to Rosie, Kelli and their family.

- Sam on February 8th, 2010

‘it’s different with gay people separate”

no it’s really not. Parents, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, love their kids. Parents can either do a GREAT job in a separation of protecting their children’s emotions, or they can do a terrible job.

It has NOTHING to do with being gay or not.

Rosie – kudos to you and Kelli for being wonderful parents, and great co-parents, but you are WRONG!

- Mrs. R. on February 8th, 2010

I think this video clears it up–a bit–insofar as Rosie explains that the sense of community with gay women might be different than with heterosexuals. Even after separating, these women tend to stay in each other’s lives as a support system. Not that this doesn’t happen with heterosexual couples, of course it does, but it’s probably not as common. Just trying to give her the benefit of the doubt…

http://www.accesshollywood.com/rosie-odonnell-on-her-new-hbo-family-documentary-and-how-son-parker-changed-her-life_article_28240

(the video is on the right hand side of the page)

- avalulu on February 8th, 2010

‘avalulu’, thankyou for the link and for your post. I agree that Rosie is speaking from experience (being gay) vs. what is out there in the media for us to see (95% heterosexual). She has both gay and ‘not gay’ friends, couples that have separated, so she is speaking from experience as well. She doesn’t say that ALL heterosexual couples separate badly, just that gay couples seem to stay friends through-out more often then heterosexual couples do. I think that was her point.

- Sam on February 8th, 2010

I think it is also more important in gay families to have a very friendly break-up because there are not always laws protecting both parents’ rights to custody, especially if both parents were unable to legally adopt the children. I believe this is the case in Florida where Rosie lives.

- Colleen on February 8th, 2010

I agree that she worded that all wrong if she didn’t mean what Michelle said. And the “isn’t as dramatic” part, please, I have seen VERY dramatic gay break-ups. She just can’t generalize like that is all. A divorce is a divorce is a divorce. Some are awful, some go more smoothly.

- Liz on February 8th, 2010

‘Colleen’, excellent point.

- Sam on February 8th, 2010

To those taking offense at the comment about heterosexual breakups – she specifically said “stereotypically,” and you can’t deny that the straight break-ups you see on TV and newspapers are usually very melodramatic and ugly with little regard for who is hurt. I understand that people are desperate to take jabs at her for whatever they can but I don’t think this comment merits it.

Colleen also makes an excellent point about how gay families do not have the same types of legal provisions regarding custody, property, etc. in place during a divorce as straight couples do, therefore they may have a greater stake in handling things in a friendly manner since they both stand to lose a lot more.

- Megan on February 8th, 2010

I saw this special…it was awesome.

The 3 boys that ride skateboards and the mommy song…my heart melted!

- Amber on February 8th, 2010

I can’t watch the video right now but just going by the article and the comments as a gay step-parent I can kinda understand what she means.

Because our circles of friends tend to be smaller, its not that uncommon to have an ex or two among your group of close friends even if you don’t have kids. Straight couples tend to have friends of their own gender, and then “couple friends,” so when they split up, they each have their own group to turn to. But if your friends are your exes friends, you generally have to be civil unless you want to cause a war amongst your circle and risk losing friends. So when kids are involved, its not as weird (odd? uncommon?) to be friendly and civil as it can sometimes be for straight people. I’ve seen good and bad on both sides, but that’s just a kind of “stereotypical” take on what I think she was getting at.

And, cris lol, no that’s Ilene Chaiken.

- Alexa on February 8th, 2010

I saw her interview with Oprah and she said she doesn’t feel like it’s better with women, but that with the two of them, both being nurturing women, it’s easier than the divorces of her heterosexual friends. Just thought I’d say that here since I knew someone would take offense.

It’s evident in the documentary what a wonderful job they’ve done as parents.

- Erin on February 8th, 2010

I don’t get it. I thought gay people want to be treated the same as straight people, yet here Ms. O’Donnell is trying to invent differences between them. So… which way do you want it???

- Alee on February 8th, 2010

I have a similar situation with my ex. we are both female and were in a relationship and have a son together. when our son turned 9 we ended the relationship but i live right down the street , so my son just walks down to my house from hers. she and i are the best of friends for our son. we do everything together still. even grocery shop. we are both involved with other people now but choose to make our child a priority.
to me it has nothing to do what so ever with being gay or straight. its has everything to do with staying a family for the sake of your children. putting your own feelings a side and what happened in your relationship. it drives me insane when i see a parent and they say yah i have a child….ok when was the last time you saw your child? 2 weeks ago….i just think wow you have missed so much in the little amount of time. every laugh or cry means something. i see my son every single day and talk to him everyday. i just want to tell parents who argue back and forth to grow up and get over yourselfs for your childs sake. you dont have to be best friends but you at least need to communicate. my son is now 11 and has never been happier. he does great in school and we have very little disapline issues with him. he knows that at a moments notice if he needs me i can be there in 2 minutes. if he is sick he can count on us both to be there. he was really sick last month and i slept on there couch for 2 days even though i live a block away. its those little things that he will remember. and if your sitting there fighting in front of him or her , thats what he will remember.
so it has nothing to do with being gay or straight , it has everyhting do with what is right for your child and to stop being so darn selfish.

- moonlilly on February 8th, 2010

I didn’t appreciate the comment either.

The hetero break-ups you see on TV aren’t stereotypical: I would venture to say that 99% of straight divorces don’t end up on TV and the ones who do are NOT stereotypical because it is the very vehemence of the parties involved that got them the air time.

That being said, I think it’s easier for her generalize about lesbian relationships if only because (*I* think) women generally tend toward compromise and making it easier for everyone involved in a break up rather than a “scorch the earth”/burn the bridges method. Added to the fact that (again, *I* think) women break up more thoughtfully, if you throw in the smaller, more tight-knit lesbian community and the danger of the lack of legal protection for the non-adoptive/biological parent, you may have the answer. But to just throw out there, “Oh, gays make divorce easier,” that’s just silly. It also smacks of condescension toward the heterosexual community. Chill out, Rosie and watch what you say: Some of us are on your side. Don’t make it hard for us to support you.

- Jen DC on February 8th, 2010

So either she’s talking about Lesbians or she’s talking about all homosexual, or she’s making an assumption. I vote for the latter.

She knows her experience and her experience only. The things that happened in her relationship are unique to her relationship, and hers alone. There have been several bitter custody battles among gay and lesbian couples in this country that have publicized in the press.

And I wouldn’t try to prove that she has a point by pointing out the couples we hear about in the papers or on TV, there’s a reason why these people feel the need to air their dirty laundry in public. For every couple where the breakup turns bitter (and unfortunately involves children) there are many many more where couples, both gay and straight, put their children before themselves and move on in their lives in a thoughtful and caring manner, and co-parent together.

- Jen on February 8th, 2010

‘Alee’ where did that come from? Rosie didn’t ‘invent’ anything, it’s reality.

- Sam on February 8th, 2010

‘Jen’ – Who? I tried to think of a gay couple that has had a bitter ‘divorce’ and I can’t, certainly not ‘several’. Seriously, I can’t. There is nothing wrong with mentioning those that are heterosexual and have bitter divorces/custody battles because that is what Rosie’s references (and mine) are. That is what could be considered the proof to her comment.

- Sam on February 8th, 2010

I think some of you need to look up the word “stereotypical.” It does not mean the actual norm, it means what is perceived as the norm, usually as propagated by the media. So no, most hetero breakups probably aren’t as dramatic as what you see on TV, but the ones you do see on TV are the ones that establish the stereotype. A stereotype is by definition an oversimplification of reality (often to the point of complete falsehood). Even so, stereotypes are still what we all base our expectations on before we have firsthand knowledge of something. Rosie was simply making a commentary of how break-ups are depicted in the media vs. how hers is going. People are clearly eager to take offense for whatever reason they can, but Rosie did go out of her way to clarify that she realized most hetero breakups probably weren’t like that by saying “stereotypical.” So cut the woman some slack.

- Megan on February 9th, 2010

God, I’m old. I remember when Parker was born!

- mp on February 9th, 2010

Well back to the topic at hand: The documentary!!!!

I watched it a week and a half ago and I really enjoyed it. I have recommended it to all my friends w/ kids because it is important for children to understand that family means love. It doesn’t necessarily mean mom and dad.

The little girl at the very end summarized it amazingly well when she described what family was.

It is a very good tool to use especially w/ kids who are in diverse households.

- Brownsugar1313 on February 9th, 2010

My ex husband and I had a very friendly divorce and custody arrangement, we spent all of the holidays and other special days together, he watched my children from my second marriage, we split bills etc etc UNTIL the introduction of his now wife. She immediately let it be known that our relationship was “weird” and inappropriate for our two children and led us into a now five year long custody battle. She spends a great deal of time telling my children what a bad mother I am and wife I was (mind you I have been remarried for almost eight years and with my husband for almost ten and he has few complaints) and how I never wanted them (I was a young mom, but they were very much wanted) and various other things. My ex ate it up, every word. He is not a very dominant man and she is a young, but forceful woman. He has to sneak phone calls to me to discuss issues with the kids and even to call his own parents. We have a tentative split custody arrangement spanning two states and it is working until she involved herself.
I understand what Rosie is saying, divorces can get and be very ugly and this is not right for the children or the adults in the process and many adults (as I am assuming is happening in the case of the new wife) take their cues from either the media or how their own parents handled divorcing instead of attempting to make a new set of rules where the only thing that matters is the children. I spent years having a friendly relationship with my ex and it was great. Now, I feel like all of those heterosexual divorcees Rosie is speaking of.

- KD on February 9th, 2010

“Because our circles of friends tend to be smaller, its not that uncommon to have an ex or two among your group of close friends even if you don’t have kids. Straight couples tend to have friends of their own gender, and then “couple friends,” so when they split up, they each have their own group to turn to. But if your friends are your exes friends, you generally have to be civil unless you want to cause a war amongst your circle and risk losing friends.”

You literally described verbatim the life of my lesbian cousin. I’ve spent a good amount of time with her and her friends and while they’re great people, basically every single one of them is a lesbian in a relationship with someone else in the group. She has no good friends, to my knowledge, who are straight, and no male friends, stright or gay. She recently split with her partner of 16 years, and it was exactly what you described-two friends (another lesbian couple) started untrue rumors that it was because my cousin was dating another woman in the group, and suffice to say, neither my cousin nor her ex talk to them anymore (my cousin has begun dating another friend of theirs since their split, though). Sorry for spilling a life story; I just found your comment about gays having small social circles very interesting since that has been my experience, and one I couldn’t really figure out. Any more insight on why gays might tend to just socialize with other gays from anyone would be great

As for Rosie, I used to absolutely love her talk show, and to see how she’s turned out since then is so disheartening. Her heart may be in the right place, but it’s clear she has more than a few screws loose which result in absurd comments and broad generalizations in addtion to generally obnoxious behavior. Seriously can’t stand her now.

- Lauren on February 11th, 2010