Kelly Rutherford: 'Young Mothers Aren't In the Norm Anymore'

Courtesy Mark Jason/Observer Playground

Crediting breastfeeding for her swift return to pre-baby form, actress Kelly Rutherford jokes in the holiday issue of Observer Playground, on newsstands December 9th, that her motivations aren’t entirely altruistic!

“If I can fit into my jeans like this forever, all of my kids will be nursed for longer,” she quips with a laugh. “No, no, no, you’re not done [nursing]; Those jeans must fit!”

All kidding aside, Kelly — mom to Hermés Gustaf Daniel, 3, and Helena Grace, 6 months next week — says that the calorie burn of breastfeeding accounts for only “part of” her success. Pointing out that “young mothers aren’t in the norm anymore,” she elaborates,

“I love food and can’t deny myself food and I really think that’s key. And I know I am 40 vs. 20 and I want to be around for my kids. For me, it became more about working out. The more I deal with that, the less I am eating stuff that will make me gain weight.”

In the interview, the Gossip Girl star goes on to admit that the decision to name her firstborn Hermés began with a joke at her baby shower.

“All of my girlfriends said I should name him Hermés so every day I can carry around things that have his name on it,” she reveals. “I liked the name itself because it was a Greek god, and very strong. And Helena, the same thing, both kind of Greek-y.”

Staying positive in the wake of her acrimonious split from estranged husband Daniel Giersch remains a priority for Kelly, who relies on sage advice from a friend. “Worship all that you see and more will appear,” she shares, explaining that “if you look at all the good things in your life, you will find that it increases the value.”

Kelly has two very good things indeed in Hermés and Helena, whom she singles out as her motivation to move forward.”I have to, what’s the alternative?” she asks. “I can’t let my kids see me fall apart just because of gossip so I just have to figure it out.” She adds,

“If I sat on my couch I don’t think I would stand up for a lot of it. I think I am better off, focusing again on what gets us through any hard time, is love. The beautiful children need me to stay strong and also, keep going and keep thinking and learning.”

Source: Observer Playground

– Missy

Comments

As a 27-year-old preggo, it makes me sad that I’m now out of the norm I never wanted to wait til my 30s, and now I’m going to have trouble finding peers to make friends with.

- Lauren on December 2nd, 2009

Good for her…that’s the only way to be.

- momof3 on December 2nd, 2009

Lauren, you have little to worry about. First time motherhood is still 24-25 years with a standard deviation of about 3.5 years. That means that 70% of those having children for the first time are between the ages of 21 and 28. Most of the remaining 30% are in the 28-35 yrs. group with a few on either end.

Kelly Rutherford is NOT the norm at 40, unless she’s counting her sample of 4 or 5 close friends about her age . I’m sure she doesn’t mean harm, and many women are delaying motherhood until they are comfortable in their relationships and careers. But the average numbers based on millions of women tell a completely different tale.

Women are slightly older than first time mothers in 1970 (about 21 years of age) but nothing hugely significant given that a great deal more women study and work first.

- Ava on December 2nd, 2009

Lauren – I’m 26 now, and my daughter is 8-months old. I planned to have her young, and was fortunate to be able to achieve my goal. However, I’m the first of my friends to have a child. My close friends are years away from even thinking about having kids. It can be quite lonely. I don’t have any peers that are mothers. I’ve noticed for some time, at least in the area where I live, that moms under 30 aren’t the norm anymore. I hope you have more success than I have in finding other mothers your own age to relate to. Best of luck

- mrsh on December 2nd, 2009

I like Kelly’s positive attitude, but I still dont see it as normal to be having babies in late 30s, although it is more commom now (for various reasons). For me, I would like to have children between 25 and 35 (I am 21 now).

Good luck Lauren. I’m sure there are various mum and baby groups around for you to participate in, and you can make friends with other new mothers your age.

- Nikki on December 2nd, 2009

Of my high school class of 100 girls, about 12 of them had had children before their 23rd birthdays – of those, 3 had more than one child. One of those girls was a close friend of mine, and despite the fact that I don’t have children, I have always gone out of my way to include her and her children in my activities, and to organise baby-friendly activities with her (I am godmother to her son, so an added incentive, I guess, though I did all this long before I was godmummy). Having said that, I’ve discovered that for women my age, I am not the norm in terms of being baby-friendly – most of my colleagues (I work for an accounting firm and many of my colleagues are +/-5 years my age (22)) have absolutely no interest in spending time with people with babies. So I can appreciate why it would be lonely or isolating. Personally, I’d rather hang around with the people with kids than the people without – I have more fun playing peek-a-boo with a 18 month old than getting drunk on tequila shots with a 22 year old!

- Ratty on December 2nd, 2009

Most of my friends are older then me but they all have kids so I do feel out of the norm but luckily as a nanny I can relate to motherly topics so I feel very much included!! Although my cousins who are my age have all started to have kids. And I do feel left out somethings thinking it would be fun to have a baby grow up with their kids. But I have to remind myself that life is not a contest. And I will have children when I’m supposed to.

- JMO on December 2nd, 2009

It must depend on where you live. I’m in Toronto, Canada and at 22, I was the last of my close girlfriends to have a child. Two of my friends had their first at 19. I see a lot more young moms here when I’m out and about than older ones.

- luvmylife on December 2nd, 2009

is she smoking that candy cane?
weird picture.

- sar on December 2nd, 2009

In the US teen pregnancy is on the rise and as someone said the average age to have a child is around 25. I think that the media likes to propel this idea of the December mother(i dunno if thats a term but whatever) but it doesn’t have that much basis in reality.

- Electra on December 2nd, 2009

sar – I was thinking the same thing!

- lee on December 2nd, 2009

In the Netherlands average age of having your first child is 28 or 29 I think. 40 will never be the norm as many simply can no longer have children once they reach that age.

- Anna on December 2nd, 2009

JMO (#7) – I am in the same boat. I’m 26 and know I want kids, but am not even in a relationship at the moment. I’ll have kids when it’s my time. Until then, as a nanny I can relate with the majority of baby related topics with parents. Thus I fit in with that group and would rather spend my time playing with babies. There are times when it’s lonely for me, also, though…

- Sarah M. on December 2nd, 2009

I don’t think that having children in one’s 40s will ever really be the norm either. As a woman gets older pregnancy is harder on the body (hard enough when you are young). A woman’s body is made to procreate when they are young. Also, I am worn out now with my two, I’m 28, I couldn’t imagine being older and trying to do this. My mom had my sister when she was 37 and she was constantly exhausted! She always said that she was glad she had me in her 20s, I was VERY high energy, and my sister later, she was a very laid back baby and she slept the day away (and all night) and took two naps a day until she was about 3.

- hermowninny on December 2nd, 2009

I had my child at 25 and was the only one of my friends. I live in CA and all my child’s friend’s parents are 38+ it sucks. There is no one my age and they look at me like I’m the young one and I’m 30! sheesh.

- Claire on December 2nd, 2009

I had my child at age 33, which was right for me. I thought I wanted to have children earlier, but it did not happen that way. I know quite a lot of women who have had their first child in mid-30s with no regrets. They may not be the norm, but they also should not be discounted. What about adoptive parents over a certain age? If you are focused, in a great relationship (or not) and decide to have a child at a younger age, so be it. To each their own. I was one of the last of my female relatives to have a child. Some of my schoolfriends had kids before leaving high school and are now grandmothers. No thanks. Some older grandparents have no choice but to take care of grandkids full time. Where do they find the energy?

I think it is great to have a variety of choices out there – so people don’t try to fit into the so-called ‘norm.’ That would be way too boring and a life less colourful!!

- Britmama on December 2nd, 2009

Some of the comments on here are very odd to me. Not in a bad way at all, mind you, but I have no idea what it’s like to have friends who don’t have children and I’ll be 27 next week! My high school had less than 700 people in it, and during my four years there, over 75 girls had babies. My best friend’s little boy just turned 11! I’m the ONLY one of my group of friends, high school and otherwise, who doesn’t have children. Those who didn’t have babies in high school had them right after, around 19 or 20. My cousin is 25 and she has four…7, 5, 3.5, and nearly 2. I was terrified to drink out of the water fountain in high school, needless to say. We all thought it was something in the water. Even now, having been married for almost six years, I’m one of very few of my friends who are married. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those people who think that you should get married before you have babies at all…it’s just frustrating sometimes because I see everybody around me getting pregnant, most of them not even planning or trying, and my husband and I have had five miscarriages. It’s a strange feeling, being jealous of my friends who are pregnant or have kids already, many of them without an involved father. It’s also a strange feeling to be the only one without a child at the young age of 26, and feeling like it’s too late. Does that make any sense at all? I feel like time is running out for me. My friends have kids who will graduate high school when they are in their early thirties, and I’ll be lucky to have an infant by that time!

- Amanda on December 3rd, 2009

I had my son when I was 25 (I’m 32 now) and was the first of my friends (And the first person from my high school class!) to have a baby. It was VERY difficult because none of my friends could relate, and finding other moms my age (With personalities/lifestyles/parental styles similar to mine) was nearly impossible. My son is in elementary school now and I’m the youngest mom at our school by many years. I still struggle to find moms I can relate to who are my age (Many of my friends are parents now, but have babies, not school-aged kids) Maybe it’s living in a major city (Los Angeles) but most of my peers are waiting until at least 32-35 to have kids.

- amandamay on December 3rd, 2009

Hermès (yes, it’s normally spelled with the accent on the other side – é and è are pronounced differently) and Helena are “both kind of Greek-y”?? Hello! They ARE Greek! I’m half Greeka and that comment kind of irked me

As for the age comment, I don’t quite agree with her. I don’t think there’s any “age norm.” I think it just depends on who you are, where you are in your life and where you live. In Europe (at least continental Europe – no offense to my UK neighbours), we tend to have kids later, late 20s to mid-30s.
I’m 29 and don’t have children. I’m not even in a relationship right now but I don’t feel like the odd one out around my friends who already have children.

- Allie-Rose on December 3rd, 2009

I’m 30 yrs. old and i have two daughters, a nine year old and a five year old. I did’n plan on having my first at 21, but now i couldn’t imagine it any other way.

- natalie on December 3rd, 2009

Having children beyond the age of 35 is sort of becoming the norm in The Netherlands, and almost everybody agrees is it not good. I had my first at 32 and my second at 37, there will be no third, even if I wanted to. Teenage pregnancy aside, there’s nothing wrong with starting a family in your twenties, believe me.

- dutchmom on December 3rd, 2009

I wouldn’t personally worry about finding mom friends (whether you’re older or younger). I worried initially…who am I going to be friends with if they’re all older than me!??! You’ll find that being a mom is the common ground.

I’ve never met a mom who asked me my age first before deciding I was worthy of being their friend. I have been asked my age later on because (like my mom) I look younger than I am.

- De on December 3rd, 2009

It seems like more celebrities have children later; but I think that the norm in general is not in your 40s and there is no way it will ever be. I am 28 and pregnant with my second child; most everyone I know is around my age. Although you know some of my friends are in their 30s a few in their 40s and it really doesn’t make much difference.

- Diana on December 3rd, 2009

I just graduated high school two years ago and already a ton of the people I’ve graduated with are moms and dads. I always thought I wanted to be a young parent, but now that I am seeing those around me have children, I am very much opposed to it. I would prefer to get educated first, then get a steady job, get married and then eventually have children. With the degree I hope to get, this sets my child bearing age at right around my early thirties and I am okay with that. Having kids at that age is right for ME, not saying it is right for all. I can definitely see most of Kelly’s points.

- Jess from Ohio on December 3rd, 2009

Amanda (#17) sorry about your miscarriages. I do feel you on being jealous though. I can say that sometimes I have such good times with my nephews and cousins children that I think how fun it would be to have one of my own to go do fun things with. But then after a few hours and feeling overly exhausted I realize that not having one at 26 isn’t so bad. I am at a place in my life where if I had one I could certainly handle it but I don’t really think that now is my time. I’m sure I have some path in life and it would sometimes be nice to know where it’s going to take me but I guess the unknown is also what makes life so interesting. I do think that when people stop focusin so much on what they want that’s when things start to happen.

- JMO on December 3rd, 2009

Can someone please explain what she means when she says: ” so every day I can carry around things that have his name on it.”

I really don’t get that……

- Sarah on December 3rd, 2009

I would have liked to have had them in my early 30s, but between a somewhat later marriage and a couple of years of infertility, I did not get to choose when I had children. I focus on being extremely grateful that I have a child at all and another on the way.

Sometimes it is not “waiting to have children,” it is “having to wait”!

- Kat on December 3rd, 2009

Sarah, Hermes is a design house, famous for their super expensive bags and scarves and such. That’s what Kelly meant.

- Amanda on December 3rd, 2009

Allie-Rose – I’m in the UK and I think the average age for a 1st time mother has just passed 30, so I think it’s about the same as the rest of Europe.

I’m 29 and, out of my circle of friends, only 1 couple has a baby. My sister’s 32 and she has 2 kids, yet none of her friends have had any yet.

- Elizabeth on December 3rd, 2009

Where I grew up and still live there were LOTS of teen mothers. I went to school (I’m 19 and graduated in 2008) with several mothers and fathers who had not only one but two and three children by the time that we graduated. My graduating class was only 134 too or so, possibly less I can’t remember right now. There are several of those parents who had one, two, or three children who have had one or two more children since we graduated. I have been pregnant three times. I lost my daughter last December 27 after a couple hours of birth. I also had an ectopic at the beginning of this year. And I’m pregnant now praying that I have a healthy baby.

Here in my town it is the “norm” to have a child or two or three by the time you are 25. Maybe it is different elsewhere, but teen pregnancy rates are on the rise.

- Jessi on December 3rd, 2009

I think it really depends on where you’re from.

Sure in the celebrity universe, 40 is the norm for children. But in the real world….not so much. I’m on cafemom and had my first baby in April (I’m 25). Most of the women on my birth board were on baby 2 or 3 and were my age or younger. I was actually quite surprised.

Also, out of my friends, I was the first to have a baby and they all kind of ditched me because pregnancy and babies just weren’t their bag. Any work colleagues I knew were in their 30s and just then thinking about having children. For me, being a young(ish) mother works. I knew I didn’t want to wait until my mid to late 30s.

- Robyn on December 3rd, 2009

What I really think is that nowadays is not important how old you are when you have a kid, but the fact that you’re a mother. There’s more to what you can give them than age. At 40 you give them things they won’t have with a younger mother and vice-versa. But in the end, when parents get together for their children’s reunion at school, it’s just their kids and they love them the same way.
Besides each woman feels differently. This argument wouldn’t happen so fiercely if she was a man and had a child at the age of 70. It’s better to be a mom at 40 and give your child attention, then being 20 and spend your whole day in a tiny office ans arrive home when they’re asleed
They’re both different, one is not better then the other. Just diffent.

- Anna on December 3rd, 2009

I hate how young moms feel they need to defend themselves from moms who waited and vice versa. The decision to have children is a personal choice and only the two people who will be raising the children should decide. There’s no “norm”. It’s when you are ready personally, your partner is ready and if fate allows it.

- Mary-Helen on December 3rd, 2009

Interesting responses….

40 is not in the norm…but it’s common to see women 40+ have babies now, and there’s nothing wrong with it IMO. It depends on you to determine if you are capable or not to raise another child regardless of age. I know someone w/ three kids. She had her first two at 24 and 26, and then her third and last when she was 41! According to her, having a baby at later age was no different for her than when she had her first two when she was in her 20′s. It’s probably because she takes care of herself well and still has alot of energy. Of course, it’s different for everyone, but that’s just my 2 cents. It doesn’t matter when you have a baby, whether when you’re young or much older. You should plan for kids when you feel the time is right and feel committed to being responsible for a baby. As they always say, age is just a number!

- J.J. on December 3rd, 2009

I had my son when I was 19. He wasn’t planned and I was not even thinking about a child but I wouldn’t do anything differently.. None of my friends have children – some of the girls from my high school do though. I never feel left out because my friends love him and are always over for a coffee or tea. Some of them work in childcare and primary schools so it’s not weird for them. They understand I can’t always go out with them but they include me everytime anyway, even when they know that 95% of the time i won’t go.

At 22, they aren’t in relationships or anywhere near wanting children.

- R on December 4th, 2009

Completely agree with Mary-Helen. I feel like since it has become more common for women to begin having children in their late 30′s, mothers in their 20′s are looked at as not being ready. I am 24 and when my fiance and I talk about having children in a few years, I almost feel judged by his friends’ wives who are in their 30′s. One of them actually made a comment that it’s best to wait because it’s important to go through certain “life experiences” in order to be mature enough to have a child… Although that is completely true, maturity does not automatically set in at an exact age for every single person and people are ready for things at different ages.

- Jessica on December 4th, 2009

Interesting that a quote about young mothers not being the norm sparked so many comments. I agree that whether or not your age at becoming a mother feels “normal” depends on where you live.

Finding mom friends can be incredibly difficult if you live in an area where you just don’t have that much in common with other mothers. After I became a mom I lived in the city for for 3 years and never found a group of good friends. I had my first child at 31 and most of my friends started having kids in their late 20s or 30s too so feeling weird because of my age was never a problem.

What made me different was that I decided to stay at home with my children while all my friends went back to work and career stayed a high priority for them. Every time I met a mom I thought would be fun to hang out with I found out she was a nanny;)

Then we moved to the suburbs and within a week I got a flier inviting me to a neighborhood playgroup. I quickly got to know about 10 moms (young and older) and their children who lived in our subdivision. It was a great experience. I still miss the city sometimes but I wouldn’t ever trade it for having friends I can count on.

- Laura on December 4th, 2009

Elizabeth (#29) – Thank you for the info. Looks like media miscommunication is “the norm” on our side of the Atlantic too as we’re told English women tend to have children in their late teens/early 20ies

On the topic of older mothers, Health.com has an interesting article. While the moms internviewed are older than Kelly, it’s worth reading http://living.health.com/2009/11/19/becoming-a-mom-over-40/

- Allie-Rose on December 4th, 2009

not sure what kelly is thinking– only in hollywood is the “norm” to be a 40-year-old new mom. i am 25, expecting #3, and 90% o the moms i know are in their 20s or early 30s.
*shrug*

- ms. jaQ on December 6th, 2009

I live near in So Cal and was 21 when I got pregnant with my first and 22 when I had her. I had several friends who were as young as me as well. I am 25 now and due in May with my 3rd baby! I loooove being a young mom and it is “normal” to be a young mom. The average age is 24 years 3 months!

- Holly on December 6th, 2009

I am an old(er) mother having had my children when I was 35 and 39. My mother was nearly 42 when I was born. I had wanted to be a young mother but it did not work out that way. If you can become a mother when you are in your twenties, GO FOR IT. Your youth is a GREAT GIFT to your kids providing you also have the maturity to become a parent.

- Ann deLourdes on December 7th, 2009