Lily Allen Opens Up About Miscarriage

Mike Marsland/WireImage

In a wide-ranging interview with the UK newspaper Telegraph, songstress Lily Allen reveals how her despair over a January 2008 miscarriage led her to spend three weeks in a psychiatric ward. “I was really depressed because of the miscarriage and I’d kind of lost the plot a bit,” the 23-year-old songstress explains. “It was quite a nasty time.” The baby was the first for Lily and her then-boyfriend Ed Simons of The Chemical Brothers; the couple were “over the moon” to learn they were about to become parents. Recalls Lily,

“It’s pretty hard to talk about it, but that Christmas I was at home with my family and Ed, and I wasn’t drinking, and I just sat there knowing I was having a baby and I was in absolute bliss. Sitting round eating turkey, playing games, watching everybody getting drunk, and being really excited knowing this time next year, I was going to have a baby…And I haven’t.”

The couple split shortly after the miscarriage, and Lily admits she often tortures herself with questions of ‘what if?’

“I guess… it wasn’t to be. That’s all I can say…Maybe if I’d stayed pregnant and had the baby then things would have worked out between me and Ed. I don’t know. You could drive yourself insane thinking about it.”

Lily’s latest album It’s Not Me, It’s You will be in stores February 10th.

Source: Telegraph

Comments

gigi on January 22nd, 2009

having babies wont mend relationships. i am actually surprised to hear her say something like that. sounds like shes not really over him.

Lesha on January 22nd, 2009

But losing a child can certainly destroy them. Not knowing them, it’s hard to say, but it’s possible that they had a very good relationship that didn’t need fixing and losing the baby and the way they both dealt with it led to the split. Which would very much lead to many many “what if’s”.

brooklyn on January 22nd, 2009

I have to agree with gigi. They probably did not have that strong of a relationship to begin with if they split just after they lost their baby…with all of the stress/difficulties that come with raising a child, it is possible this split would have happened with or without a child. jmo.

Amy on January 22nd, 2009

I just have to say that even though alot of women have miscarriages, it is such a hard thing to get through. Sometimes you have very supportive people around you and then you have the ones that say, ‘it’s wasnt meant to be’. I am glad she is able to speak of it now, and also she was able to get the help she needed. It’s not surprising to see her mourn the relationship with her partner and the child they lost. I wish her the best in the future!

millefleur on January 22nd, 2009

Thank you Lily Allen for talking about your miscarriage! Having just had one myself, I feel like it is not talked about nearly enough, almost like this secret taboo among women. It did actually bring my partner and I closer together, but it was one of the most emotionally and physically painful things he and I have ever gone through in life. I never knew what to expect, and nobody else seemed to know anything about what miscarriage entails either. I say, let’s talk about our miscarriages just like we talk about our births, and maybe we can make it a little easier for someone else going through it. I wish Lily all of the best, and really appreciate her honesty about the topic.

Ashley on January 22nd, 2009

How sad. I know exactly how she feels regarding experiencing events where you should have a baby with you and it is truly heartbreaking everytime. Even two years later it is so sad and there is really nothing you can do except for to try to keep your head high and move forward.

cristie on January 22nd, 2009

I know actually how she feels. I had a miscarriage in June 2008 and I was devasted. It almost broke up me and my now fiancee because he didnt know how to deal with his feelings. Those people who have never gone through it, dont know how it feels or what to say. She will get through it and will eventually get to the point where she wants to try again. God Bless her.

erica alayne on January 22nd, 2009

I’m not saying that having a child can mend a relationship, but losing one can really mess one up, no matter how strong it is.

Before we were married and had our son, my then-boyfriend and I experiences two miscarriages, and it really threw our really strong, solid relationship for a loop. We ended up separating for a while, and the main catalyst was the aftermath of feelings and things that happened due to the miscarriages. He didn’t know how to cope with the situation, and I was bitter and angry because he was coming off distant and unsupportive. All of those feelings carried over to things not even related to the loss of the babies, and things just fell apart.

We ended up back together and worked out the issues that we had with each other over time; almost five years later we’re married and have the most awesome 2 1/2 year old son.

I don’t think she was making that somehow the child would have magcally not made them break up. With such a heartwrenching event like a miscarriage, that changes the whole scope of things, you can’t help but wonder what might of been if it hadn’t have happened. Who knows, they might still be together, they might not. That’s something that won’t ever get answered.

Sarah on January 22nd, 2009

I was 27 when I got pregnant for the 1st time. I lost the pregnancy early on, like at 8 or 9 weeks. Most people around me supported me through my loss because most of my friends had a miscarriage 1st time around. They knew what to say. However, I had a sister-in-law that said something weird to me, “Just be glad you didn’t lose it later; I know a lady who gave birth to a stillborn”. Boy, did that make me mad. That comment did not console me at all. A miscarriage at any stage is a loss, whether you intended to get pregnant or not. Take the clue from the woman who just suffered a miscarriage–console her by listening. Luckily, I got pregnant again and had my 2 children in ’97 and ’00.

Emily on January 22nd, 2009

Sorry if this sounds similar to other posts, but I wanted to convey my thoughts on this article. I would agree with Lesha and Erica Alayne. The baby probably wouldn’t have ‘mended’ their relationship – as the relationship may not have even needed mending at all.

Their relationship could be quite strong, but traumatic events such as miscarriage can really shake even a solid relationship. I have had similar experiences with my then-boyfriend, now-husband (not with miscarriage, but with some seriously traumatic abuse-related incidents), when we nearly split over the strain that the emotions and depression created; where he was trying to support me but couldn’t figure out exactly how; where he came across as unsupportive and distant; and he was torn between looking after my feelings and looking after his own.

And I feel her statement about ‘maybe they would have stayed together’ is quite a valid one. It’s quite simple: if they didn’t have such a traumatic situation to go through, chances are it could have worked out. Not everyone is unfortunate enough to be faced with such things in their relationship. The miscarriage would have opened up a huge range of issues and introduced a new complexity that they hadn’t ever bargained for in perhaps a normally strong partnership.

Emily on January 22nd, 2009

Not only that…but all of us play those nasty ‘what if’ games when something really bad happens. I think Lily is being quite honest in telling that she plays them too, even though she admits that you could ‘drive yourself insane thinking about it.’

Sarah on January 22nd, 2009

It’s sad to read this post. I often think of the ‘what ifs’ too. Our baby boy was born at 18 weeks and he was the first and only baby in the family. He was a surprise and was conceived within weeks of my Husband & I getting together. My Husband’s family accepted me with open arms and everyone was so excited over this baby to be.

When he was born and died it was such a shock. Everything planned for our future was immediately halted.
While it didn’t break up my Husband & I it DID ruin the relationship with his family. They have completely turned their backs on me and I’ve always felt they blame me for the loss of that child.

I can totally understand where Lilly is coming from.

Nylah on January 22nd, 2009

Just because they split after losing the baby doesn’t mean that they didn’t have a strong relationship. My husband and I had a really strong relationship and when we found out we were expecting a baby, we were thrilled. We lost our little boy at 20 weeks, and it was devastating. My husband and I ended up going to grief counseling for awhile to learn how to deal with it as a couple. Two years later, we began trying again, and immediately got pregnant. We lost our little girl at 27 weeks. While one of us dealt with it openly through counseling, the other closed up. We ended up divorcing a year after the second miscarriage. A year and a half after our divorce, my ex-husband finally started counseling, and opening up to me about what he was feeling. We re-married a few months later and today we have a beautiful 5 year old son, and three year old daughter.

cristie on January 22nd, 2009

I was the same age you were sarah, I just turned 28 this month. My fiance didnt know how to cope. I hope to try again after we get married. I was almost 9 weeks. It is getting better everyday but there are times when I get sad looking at or hearing a baby especially now, since I was due in January. Hopefully they can work things out or they can find someone to be with in the future and have the family they always wanted.

Mia on January 22nd, 2009

You know…when I first read this article/her quote, “I guess… it wasn’t to be. That’s all I can say…Maybe if I’d stayed pregnant and had the baby then things would have worked out between me and Ed. I don’t know. You could drive yourself insane thinking about it.” I also thought what some of the earlier posters thought, the whole idea of “having a baby will fix our problems magically”..etc.

However, after getting some personal insight from some of the posters on here, and getting a glimpse into what the physical/emotional toll is on the persons as individuals, and the influence on the relationship between both parties, it makes me see her quote and the general situation in a completely different point of view. Thank you.

Sorry for anyone that has been through is, happy for those who have overcome this situation with happy results in the end, and hopes to the others that they will too.

ericka on January 23rd, 2009

I have to disagree with Gigi & Amy.

Losing a child, be it a baby that hasn’t been born yet or having lost a child due to death after it’s been born either brings a couple together or tears them apart. Most of the time it tears them apart no matter how strong their relationship is.

I can’t speak for my mom (after my sister was killed in a car accident) because the man she’s with isn’t our bio father…but they’ve had relationship problems since. She has a friend who’s son died on Thanksgiving on a swingset while outside playing when he was 3yo. He hung himself on accident and his parents couldn’t stay together and they were married for many, many, many years and had a good relationship with one another. The death of a child takes a HUGE toll on a relationship…even miscarriages.

You don’t know until you’ve experienced it yourself.

Fevvers on January 23rd, 2009

why does she have to be over him? she had a rough trot. we don’t always have to have it all together. whats so bad about taking a few years to really heal. grief comes and goes….

Alex on January 23rd, 2009

This is almost unrelated, but the statistic goes to the loss of a child having an effect on a relationship. I don’t know if this is worldwide or just UK, but I once read that the statistics for divorce or split after child is murdered is something like 95% of couples going their separate ways. Like I said, because it’s relating to murder and not miscarriage, it’s a different thing, but it is interesting to note in light of how a loss, any kind of loss, affects a family.

Miscarriage is a horrible heartbreaking experience and to dismiss it just because many people go through it is awful. Couples who survive it have to fight for their relationship much of the time, it’s not a given that they will get through it together.

Anyways, I hope it’s okay that I gave the statistic, I just thought it was interesting and somewhat telling.

veronica on January 23rd, 2009

It is very hard when you lose a child.I was 20 weeks when i went into labor. The only reason I’m doing ok is because of my husband and my 3 other children.My husband really didn’t grieve because he was being strong for me, now 7 months later its really hard for him.Now im doing better and its my turn to be there for him.I think having my other children helped because I didn’t want them to see me hurting and I didn’t want them to be sad.My youngest is 9 years old we were really looking forward to having a little one around. I will not try to have another, I’m scared to put my family through that heart ache again.I thimk once you except that you lost someone it will get better, its easier said then done.

Stella on January 23rd, 2009

Wondering “what if?” is actually a normal part of grieving, especially when the loss is an unborn child. I’m glad Lily has gotten the help she needs…

bren on January 23rd, 2009

Wow I am so glad to see this post. I had a miscarriage in Oct. 2008 and it was so difficult. People can be very insensitive because they don’t think of it as a real baby. Well to the mother or pregnant women it was their baby. We had hopes and dreams for that future child and when you lose that you lose all those dreams. You lose that little future you were planning. I went into a bit of a depression and it was very hard on my relationship but I am very lucky to have a great fiance who is patient. I can honestly say that a loss like that can destroy a relationship if the man can’t understand her depression or if she pushes him away and makes him feel unwanted then the situation will affect it if the other isn’t realizing what they other is doing and you can’t take it personal. Hard to explain but I totally get what she is saying. Its a hard loss because so many just say it wasn’t meant to be or maybe it was for the best the baby could have been born with a horrible defect. As a women who has had a miscarrige, know get that, we know that there was probably something wrong but all we want to hear is I am sorry for your loss and I am here for you. We don’t need to hear oh you can get pregnant again or whatever. It doesn’t help.

DivaStar on January 23rd, 2009

Wow, I always wonder what if also. I had to bury my first baby at 6 months old, and had a miscarriage when I was 6 months and 1 week pregnant. It’s hard for people who haven’t experienced it to know what to say or how to console someone who has/is going through it. I have had people tell me it was God’s will, and you can have more children, I think they mean/meant well but unless you experience it its hard.

Milla-Kay on January 27th, 2009

I’m so very sorry for your loss, I am sure that whether or not it worked out with Ed, you would have been a wonderful mother and things would have been okay. I wish you the best and while I know from personal experience that it is very hard to move on and you never forget it, be strong and continue on. You always have your friends and family.

I have had three miscarriages, a stillbirth, and a baby die in my arms. My boyfriend and I tried forever to get pregnant and after 3 years finally did. We were overjoyed, figuring the worst part was over, when I miscarried at 16 weeks. We got pregnant quickly after that and it took me a long time to trust it. I never got the chance, I miscarried again, this time at , 13 weeks, even though I was on bed rest. The next time we got pregnant, I carried full term. I was 5 days overdue and so excited to meet my baby. We were scheduled for induction at noon but when we went in they were full and told us to come back the next day. I went home. My baby daughter, to be named Jacqueline Helen, stopped all movement at 2 AM. She clutched her umbilical cord. She died 6 days overdue and I had to have a D&C to get her out two days later because they were full again. I ended up in the hospital for Pst Traumatic Stress. I recovered pretty quickly and we waited 2 years before trying again. This time it happened quickly, and at the 14 week appointment we found out we were having twin girls. We got the nursery ready, we were so excited. I had a C-Section date and I was counting down the days. Geneva Faith died when I was 7 days away from my C-Section date, she stopped moving at my baby shower. They delivered her twin as soon as they found out. Evangelia Cerys was born on October 17th 2007. She died of an undetected heart defect on New Years Eve. She had a tiny hole in her heart and they missed it. She died in my arms. I wound up in the hospital again. This time I got out in March. I was a wreck. My boyfriend left me, he wanted kids and I couldn’t give them to him, and I started the adoption process. I now have a beautiful 4 month old baby girl from Korea, her name is Caroline Jeg. I am finally better.

Carmen on November 2nd, 2010

Milla kay that is such a heartbreaking story .. my heart goes out to you and the rest of the women on here x

Carole Heath on January 15th, 2011

I suffered a miscarriage many years ago and i had terrible depression afterwards so we decided not to try again as we were not that bothered about having children anyway but none the less were very upset by the loss. My sister-in-law my husband’s sister is always bringing up about children in my presence and i have dropped hints i don’t think it and is very tactful seeing what happened to us years ago but she still does it. Unfortunately i now try to be in her company as little as possible and have found myself starting to dislike her, my husband said ignore her let it go in one ear and out the other but i don’t think that is the point and i think he should say something to her about her remarks. Why are men sometimes afraid to say anything as they think it will cause problems. But i am going to say something to her if she starts again even if it she doesn’t like it about her insensitive comments.