Sound Off! How Can Parents Make Divorce Easier for Their Kids?

Ramey; Pacific Coast News

When parents split up, it’s painful for everyone involved — particularly the children. Dividing time between mom and dad during the weeks, weekends and on holidays can be both confusing and taxing to small kids. So how can adults make it easy on their offspring? Jim Threapleton recently spoke about how he and ex-wife Kate Winslet have kept their family relationship close through communication. Kate Hudson openly talks about the bond she and ex-husband Chris Robinson will forever share; the two are still photographed together with son Ryder Russell, 5, quite frequently. And Jude Law was even spotted last week vacationing with his ex-wife, Sadie Frost, and their three children.

So here’s your chance to Sound Off! Tell us how you think divorced parents can make life easier on their children. How do you and your ex keep things cordial for your kids?

Comments

First off, don’t bash the other parent in front of the children. The decisions you make shouldn’t be for selfish reasons, they should be done on behalf of the children. While I understand the anger and heartache that can be the cause to lead to divorce and the resentment you can feel for your ex, your child loves their parent unconditionally. Always focus on the kid first and your feelings second.
It’s your job as the adults to talk about what is going on with your kid(s) and to be as amicable as possible about the situation and how you will explain things to them. I love the idea of keeping open communication, even though it’s hard at first. Spending time together with the kids so they can see that their parents don’t hate eachother is important (even if it’s internalized). Shoot, having a once a week meal together as a family is a great way to start.

- Harley on January 7th, 2009

Gratefully, my husband and I are still together and hopefully will stay that way, but I did grow up with divorced parents. What made things hard for myself and my sisters is that my parents had no relationship after they divorced, and we often felt like we had to keep things about my mom ( i.e. who she was dating) from my dad so as not to upset him. Seems to me that the most important thing is for divorced parents to take the higher ground for the sake of their kids, work towards maintaining honesty and openness, and having a friendship after the fact, or at the very least a civial relationship. Kudos to Jude and Sadie – they seem to have exactly the right idea.

- j on January 7th, 2009

As someone who comes from divorced parents, the best thing for a child (regardless of how old they are) is to be cordial and pleasant with each other regardless of how they actually feel about each other when they are around their children. And also, do not talk ill about the other parent when they aren’t around. You have to put those differences aside and do what is best for the kids, not what is best for their egos. And no child wants to hear who horrible their mother or father is, especially when that is coming from the other parent.

I was one of those kids whose dad showed up, beeped the horn and we’d have to rush and run out so that my dad wouldn’t have to talk to my mum. It was so hard for us when our parents split up at the age of 12 and 13 and to add to that, they wouldn’t speak to each other unless it was through us or their lawyers. Also, my dad would bad mouth my mum to us which caused a lot of tension between my brother, myself and our dad. It did get better over time, my dad would come over for Christmas morning but there was always that tension and it caused a great rift between me and my father to the point of us not talking for over a year.

My hope for my future children is that if for whatever reason my husband and I end up in a similar situation that we are able to put aside those hurt feelings and parent our children together as a united front, not two opposing sides. Considering the parental situation my husband came from I think that it could happen.

- Devon on January 7th, 2009

I think the best way is to be completely impartial to the other parent especially in front of the children. Just like I told my husband, if that were to happen, I would never ever use our son as a way to get back at him etc.He would stop being my husband, but he would still be my son’s father and that is a relationship that should not suffer because of a divorce.

I admire Kate Beckinsale and Michael Sheen for being so mature about their break-up. Lily has purely benifitted from it. And even her current husband Len cast Michael, Kate and Lily in the Underworld movies

- Aya on January 7th, 2009

Since both of my parents are on their third marriages (quite happy now,) I have seen the good, bad and ugly of divorce. Keeping your relationship with your ex amicable, especially around the kids is critical. I never saw my parents fighting and they were able to keep it together at my Birthday parties, dance recitals and school events. At the holidays, they also gave me a little money to buy the other parent a gift. They shared my expenses and were able to discuss my school plans, summer vacations and the like without being crabby. As a result, I never wondered if their divorce had anything to do with me and I never felt “split in two,” or forced to choose between parents.

Meanwhile my younger brother’s father (my ex-stepfather) would call my mother names in front of him, fail to pay child support and drive recklessly down our street when he came to pick his son up for visitation. This caused my brother to have problems with anxiety and difficulties in school. It was hard for me to see his father acting like a jilted teenager instead of a grown man with his son’s well-being in mind.

If you split up with your spouse, keep your kids at the front of your mind at all times and don’t let them see you fight with your ex. Set up counseling during the split if you think you need extra support in this area. Never call your ex names in front of your child, even if he did something rotten- like left you for the babysitter. Call your girlfriends and tell them what a loser your ex is, but keep your kids out of it. Remember, you may be able to write your ex-spouse off as a bad decision from your past, but he will always be your child’s father.

- Becky on January 7th, 2009

How about not getting a divorce in the first place? Unless there is abuse or infidelity, why can’t couples stick it out for the sake of their children? People are too quick to file for divorce these days and couples are too quick to jump into marriage without getting to know their significant other.

I applaud the celebrities like Courtney Cox who recently said that she and David go to therapists to work on their issues and Jennie Garth who said “divorce is not an option.” These couples are great role models to others and realize that marriage takes work. They are willing to do whatever they can to make their marriages work.

- Jenna Gennaro on January 7th, 2009

Jenna, sometimes divorce is the only option. My father was a alcoholic and my mum couldn’t take it anymore. She tried counselling, she tried to get him help but he didn’t want to hear any of it. He was more concerned with his drinking than he was with saving their marriage. She left him multiple times, taking us to our grandparents while she tried to fix their problems but he didn’t care. Not only was he an alcoholic, he had diabetes and was battling thyroid cancer. He didn’t want to get better, he just wanted to drink and was more than happy to stand by and watch his family fall around him as long as he had a beer in his hand. She didn’t want us growing up thinking that it was acceptable behaviour and risk something happening when he was drunk.

I don’t believe in divorce unless it is the absolute last resort. Addiction and abuse are not acceptable, in any way shape or form. Parents have the responsiblity to protect their children and sometimes the way protect them is to leave. I don’t want to come off as being “snarky” or “bitchy” but I really want to know why some people think being married, unhappy and in abusive relationship while having a “two-parent household” is seen as better than divorced parents where the children are no longer in a tense household where no one is happy and it is potentially physically and emotionally damaging. Sometimes counselling and all the trying in the world isn’t going to save a marriage that is doomed to fail.

- Devon on January 7th, 2009

Devon, that is a good example of why divorce is the only option and you do have a healthy outlook on what is best for children. I should have mentioned alcoholism and other addictions in my post as deal breakers as well. I am sorry for your experience.

My mom got divorced when I was 6 and my brother was 3 because of infidelity by my biological father. My mother re-married and my stepfather became my father. I think it was the best thing that ever happened to us.

I recently learned this guy I once dated is on his FOURTH marriage and he is only 35. Because of this and the celebrity marriage breakups just make me wonder why people rush to get married when they do not even take the time to get to know one another. I know a lot of it is being too young, but by the second marriage, I would think you would know how to choose a proper mate.

I guess I am just tired of hearing so-and-so is getting divorced because of irreconcilable differences when it really is nothing more than they are just plain tired of each other and didn’t work on keeping the love alive. It’s sad how couples can just throw away their vows like that.

- Jenna Gennaro on January 7th, 2009

Jenna, sometimes what is better for the children is for the parents to divorce. What kid wants to grow up in a household where the parents aren’t happy? That isn’t teaching your child what a healthy relationship looks like. I’m grateful my parents split, and not for the lack of trying on my moms part. She tried her damndest to get my bio-father into counseling with her, he refused and she went on her own. She put up with that for 2 years “for the sake of the children”. I’d rather my parents be divorced and happy than married and miserable. Granted, I’m not my father’s biggest fan but my dad (step-dad) is amazing! Thanks to him I know what a happy marriage looks like. My expectations are a little high but not without the reality factor because of my dad. Never assume it was a, “This isn’t exactly what I wanted so I’m done”. Unless you now exactly what happened in that relationship and what was going awry, don’t judge.

- Harley on January 7th, 2009

I’ve seen pap photos of Jude and Sadie at the park and other places together with their kids, and they have all taken several vacations together. I think they are genuinely friends, and it’s good when you can maintain that sense of family. Jude has even hung out with Sadie’s first ex (whose son Jude was stepfather to) and the boys together, which I’m sure reinforces the sense of family for the half-brothers. But not all exes can function on that level, and if they are only going to end up fighting and feeling tense with one another like they did when they were married, then it’s probably best that they remain cordial but realistic on their ability to spend time together. If they can, though, I think it’s great if exes can move away from sterotypical “divorced parent” behavior, come to terms with why they are apart, and move into a friendship relationship where the common bond is the children.

- sheryl on January 7th, 2009

as a child of divorced parents i think the best thing to do is to be civil to teach other, dont drag each other through the mud. my parents have been divorced 7 1/2 years and they talk badly of each other etc etc which for me and my brother is horrible.
so really the best thing to do its keep it civil and they should be fine

- eleanor on January 7th, 2009

Jenna,
My mom tried to keep it together for the “sake of the children.” I wish she’d left my dad a lot earlier than she did. Kids can tell when their parents aren’t happy and that adds a lot of stress to the kids. My mom did everything she could, but at the end of the day my dad couldn’t/wouldn’t change. I was a senior in college when they finally separated. My mom never trash-talked my dad, but sometimes, before he died, my dad would call me or my siblings up and trash my mom for leaving him. This was hardest on my youngest sister, who was still living at home when my parents separated. If my mom hadn’t left my dad, I don’t know where my family would be today. At least now we’ve had time to heal.

That said, I understand what you’re saying. I’m married now, and my husband and I will have a baby of our own in a couple of weeks. We don’t view divorce as something to be taken lightly and it would certainly be a last resort. We dated a long time to be sure we wanted to get married (not that that’s a guarantee) and work hard to keep open lines of communication so we don’t make some of the mistakes our parents have.

However, it’s impossible to judge anyone who gets a divorce. You can’t be inside their relationship. I saw how people talked and acted towards my mom at church when she left dad, but in our hearts we know as a family she did what was best for us.

- MZ on January 7th, 2009

Sometimes divorce IS the best thing for all parties involved, especially the children. Your children are watching everything you do and soaking it up like a sponge. You and your spouse are your child’s main models of what a relationship looks like. I think many families erroneously stay together “for the children” but often they are modeling abusive, neglectful or passive/aggressive behavior for their children who are going to think it’s normal and seek out those types of relationships later in life.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t try your hardest to make your marriage successful. My husband and I have known each other since high school and started counseling BEFORE we got married rather than waiting until we were ten years and three kids down the road. But in saying “divorce is not an option,” you could wind up saddling your kids with plenty more issues than knowing when to end a dysfunctional relationship. Even if you divorce, you can rise to the occasion and model for your child another kind of healthy relationship- amicable co-parenting.

- Becky on January 7th, 2009

Jenna, you never know what goes on in a marriage. There are many valid reasons to divorce beyond abuse and infidelity. I believe there are three sides to every marriage: her side, his side, and the truth. It isn’t fair to ever comment on a marriage other than one’s own.

- MIzMolly on January 7th, 2009

I do agree with Jenna that many couples should try to put more effort into saving their marriages. However, if any kind of abuse or infidelity is involved, I really cannot blame the spouse for wanting to leave the relationship. Sometimes, in order to protect the children, a divorce is the only option.

My parents went through a long, four-year divorce after sixteen years of marriage that involved dozens of court dates, numerous calls to the police, and a lot of screaming and yelling over my father paying his child support. My mother had no choice but to leave my father due to his infidelity, alcoholism, and horribly abusive behavior. My brothers and I were much better off away from our father who physically and emotionally abused us. The first time my father hit my mother after she found out he was cheating was the day she left him. And then, the judge insisted (due to the fact that my father had finally agreed to pay the minimum amount of child support, despite having a really good-paying job) that we visit him on weekends, which ultimately resulted in my father losing his temper and two of us children never, ever wanting to see him again. And unfortunately, after fifteen years and two more marriages, my father still hasn’t changed and still will not admit to would he put his first wife and children through. Until he’s willing to grow up and act like a real father, none of us are willing to see him again.

Nevertheless, I know most divorces do not start nor end in the way that my parents did, and I strongly believe that an amiable relationship between the parents is essential. But if one of the parents is abusive in any way, then there is absolutely no reason for the child to even see that parent. Protecting the children should be everyone’s first and foremost concern.

- Danielle on January 7th, 2009

Here is a great resource on how to keep things as normal as possible for your kids during a divorce:

http://www.firstwivesworld.com/resource_directory/kids-family-and-divorce.htm

- Antoniofww on January 7th, 2009

I think it’s important for parents to present a united front on issues. No fighting in front of the kids or bringing them into your personal marital issues. Keep their routines as normal as possible and whenever possible, make sure there is an open communication with both parents.

In the special case of celebrity, and I can not stress this enough – hashing things out in the press is unacceptable IMO. Without naming names – these peoples cildren WILL grow up to see the things their parents say against eachother publically.

- Cecilia on January 7th, 2009

As most posters here have said, keeping it civil for the sake of the kids is crucial. Your child still has to have a relationship based on LOVE and RESPECT with your former spouse (unless something *really* drastic has happened) and it’s best if everyone is still CIVIL, i.e., not being disrespectful of the other parent in front of the kids; not making negative comparisons between the former spouse and a current spouse or significant other; easing any new significant others into a relationship with your child (something that has bothered me about Kate Hudson); and trying to maintain a good and regular visitation schedule.

Other things depend on the age of the child. I think grade school aged children probably need more of an explanation to assure them the divorce isn’t their fault, whereas middle school aged and high school aged or older children can handle more nuanced discussions of the issue. But discussion of the divorce – with both parents present and other discussions in which it’s just one parent and child – are also crucial. But this doesn’t mean you ask your child to choose sides… Avoid that!

If the spouse is abusive and the relationship ended badly, it’s a harder thing. I would say in those situations, therapy is probably best for everyone. Still make sure you tell your child that s/he is still loved by both parents and allow the child to come to a conclusion about the goodness/badness of the parent on his or her own. My father was terrible – emotionally abusive. But my mom never really mentioned that. As I got older, he turned it on my siblings and me and we realized that our mothers (3 for four kids) weren’t wrong to have ended their relationships with him. I’ve ended my own relationship with him because of it, but throughout my childhood, Mom made sure that I got opportunities to know him and spend time with him and let me make my own decision.

- Jen DC on January 7th, 2009

I am not divorced but I am no longer with my son’s father and whilst he hasn’t seen our son since he was 18 months, I have tried very hard to get in touch with him and to maintain contact for our son’s sake. However, his father was not simply interested anymore in him and refused to have anything to do with me, of no apparent reason, other than, ” I’m not a family man. I can’t do this.” – so I know now that we are better off without him, my son always says ” You’re my mummy and I’m happy,” and that makes me feel a little better. But as a rule, as I’m sure most divorced parents have, I never say anything bad about his father, no matter what he has done to me and to my son because one day, he may change his mind and decide he wants to see my son- and if that day comes, I want my son to make up his mind about his father.

- babyboopie on January 7th, 2009

First, I have to say that there are too many couples who stay together “for their children”. Let me tell you that your child wants to come home to a happy home and if that means separation or divorce for peace in their lives then it’s okay. My sister and I begged our parents to divorce because they kept on reconciling “for their children” but they made us miserable in the interim. Remember you are providing their role models for their relationship in life. You don’t want to teach them to be miserable as adults.

Second, never talk bad about the other parent. Be friends with your ex this will bring less stress to your children and they will not feel as they come from a broken home because everyone is still loving and respecting everyone. If you have a good relationship with your ex, your children will understand that your breakup was just the evolution of your relationship and does not have to be repeated in their lives.

- Natters5 on January 7th, 2009

There are a few “myths” about children and divorce. One is, “Children are adaptable/resilient”. Yes, they are, but they should not have to be forced to be that way. They should not have to meet their parents dates, move often, and change their lives because the people who created them can’t seem to work things out. I agree with previous posters that the dealbreakers are abuse (verbal, emotional, physical and sexual), addiction, and infidelity. Second, adults always say, “But my children would want me to be happy”. Technically, this may be true. However, for children to grow in all ways, and thrive, they naturally look after their own needs. Worrying about mommy being happy isn’t one of their jobs. Maybe as adults, people might look back and say, “Well, mom leaving dad was the best for all of us”, but that is not something a 5 year old should have to consider.

My feeling on parents dating – they should do it when the children are with grandparents, godparents, at camp, or with the other parent. Dating relationships are rocky enough as it is, and kids should not have to know the gory details and meet everyone their parent fancies. They should also not have to share the time they have with their parents, with a person that may or may not be around for the long term. Again, children care about spending time with their parents.

My parents tried, and tried to get their families to not speak ill of one another in our presence. This worked for the most part. A therapist told my parents that children understand they are part of each parent. If one parent speaks ill of the other, the child feels as though part of them is bad. It takes a really big person, like my mom, to not trash my dad for cheating repeatedly and asking for a divorce. Some would say she should have told us the truth, but there was time for that when we were old enough to understand what it all really meant.

- em on January 7th, 2009

I come from a family of divorce, it’s in our DNA to do so in my family. But it’s also in our DNA to stay friends with your ex’s. My Grandmother and Grandfather divorced when my mother was in her teens. Growing up Grandpa and Grandma were always together and I didn’t know that they were divorced until his death when I was ten. At the funeral, the pastor said that “Ella although divorced from Edward were still the best of friends up until his death” I turned to my parents who were divorced by that time and said “Grandpa and Grandma were divorced?” I never knew and if you saw my parents today you would never know they’ve be divorced for 15 some years. I love that I grew up with that kind of example of love. It makes my sisters and I realize that love is love and it never goes away. I get sad when I see parents not at least try to be friendly, they don’t have to be best friends like my parents or grandparents but they have to at least try to be kind to one another for the kids. Many of my friends come from divorced families and they are all envious of what I grew up with, because they grew up the the fights and dad sitting in the car waiting for them to come out for the weekly visits. I had dad come in and make dinner while mom got ready for her date and shock the hell out of the new guy! I count my blessing everyday for that.

- Carissa on January 7th, 2009

My parents married in their late teens because she was pregnant. My parents divorced when my brother was 2, I was 4 and my sister was 5. They tried counseling. (My father’s family didn’t help matters any. They HATED my mother.) They don’t bad mouth each other. There was no huge, drawn out fight about custody. My father ultimately got custody of us (not the typical where the judge rules in favor of the mother), but we always had the chance to go see our mother whenever we wanted to. My parents still get along today. My mother recently moved and my father wound up helping her with the majority of it. He even has legal custody of my half-brother, whom my mother had years AFTER their divorce! We always knew we were loved and that is the most important thing.

- Pippi777 on January 7th, 2009

my parent divorced when I was 2. We then moved out of the state my father was living to go to my mothers hometwn. Sometimes, my mother would say nasty things about my father. Whenever I did/ acted like ” my father would” she would compare to him. It hurt so much. I thought she hated me because she said that I was just like him. And also, if parents that are divorced date someone new, dont force your children into meeting them. TAKE YOUR TIME. My mom WOULD also do that and right when I go used to the guy, they would break up! I want to create a more stable environent for my children.

- Karol on January 7th, 2009

My parents arent divorced so i dont know how it feels like but.. My best friend [i consider her my sister].. Her parents divorced when she was 12 years old. Her parents would have shouting matches at night when we were 9 and i was sleeping over. I remember she would cry and blame everything on herself, blame their fighting because of her… And when they divorced her mom used to bad mouth her dad ALL the time.

We are 23 now.. And i saw her go through 3 suicide attempts, many psycologists, teenage depression, cutting…. She still lives with her mom becaue she cannot function properly in a real life situation… She had 2 wayy older brothers and they werent really affected.. But she blamed their fighting on her… and it really destroyed her life…

- Lauren on January 7th, 2009

The hardest thing with my parents wasn’t their interaction with each other so much as it was my mom’s interactions with my new step mom. Anytime those two women were in the same place it was just uncomfortable; graduations, weddings, my brother’s baseball games, you name it.

I’m really close to my mom, but my step mom tried so hard to be nice and cordial with my mom and my mom just ignores her. She is angry and bitter still 6 years later. I wish my mom could just bite her tongue and be the bigger person…. a girl can dream right?

- Samantha on January 7th, 2009

Jenna, I think “irreconcilable differences” is a catch all phrase when filing for divorce. I really haven’t seen much else used when celebrities file for divorce, except when Renee Zellweger divorced Kenny Chesney. Renee cited “fraud” for the reason for the divorce. I also want to say, that I hope that I didn’t come off as kind of harsh…I thought about it after I hit submit and thought “ooh, I kind of sound mad.” That wasn’t my intention!

“Irreconcilable differences” could mean a many number of things. It’s actually a good thing for celebs, and any one in general, as the reason why they are splitting really isn’t any of our business unless they want to share it.

- Devon on January 7th, 2009

I am very sorry but I completley disagree Jenna. Keeping it together for the “kids sake” is by far the worst idea ever. My Brother in Law is “staying with his wife” for the sake of their 3 children and it is actually doing them more harm then good. Nothing hurts an Anutie more then hearing my 6 year old neice saying “My Mommy and Daddy fight all the time and it makes me sad” She is 6 for crying out loud. Now don’t get me wrong here I do agree with you in the sense that alot of people are divorcing very fast but sometimes it is for the best interest in the children….and it is the children that need to be focused on the most come to a divorce!!!

Now that’s been said I strongly believe that all parents going thru a divorce need to realize that children can see and hear things. There is absolutley NO reason at all for name calling, backtalking, bashing etc. IF you have to say something about your ex Please do your children a favor and don’t allow them to hear. Your children don’t need to know what is going on until things are being finalized. Also parents need to offer support to their children in this time, talk to your child and tell them that things will work out. BE HONEST….Honesty is the best policy!!!

- MyKidsMommy on January 7th, 2009

I think it better for kids to have happily divorced parents rather than miserable married ones. My parents divorced when I was 4 and they always got along. It made life so much easier for my sister and I.

What was much harder to deal with was the parade of women my dad had in and out of our lives. That would be my biggest advice. Don’t introduce random partners to your kids (and no overnight guests when they are home!!) unless it is a serious relationship. That screwed me up much more than the divorce ever did.

- JJS on January 7th, 2009

Devon, you should not worry about how you came across – I thought you were very polite and had valid points. I think others who are bashing me are not reading what I am writing.

I am wondering WHY are there so many divorces when these people pledged their lives to one another? Is it because he leaves his dirty socks around? Doesn’t put the toilet seat down? She doesn’t put the cap back on the toothpaste? Seriously, unless there are deal breakers (abuse, addiction, infidelity, lying), what is the reason for divorce? I can understand getting married too young and having money issues, but some people just jump into bed, make babies, and don’t even get to know their spouse.

I just feel like so many are quick to think, “oh well, it didn’t work out, on to the next one.” Look at how many couples have children, get divorced, only to have more children with the new spouse. You don’t think that is detrimental to a child – seeing their parent have children with another person meanwhile the child is lucky to see their parent once and a while?

Like I said in my first post, I dated a guy who I recently found out is on his fourth marriage. I don’t know the circumstances, but four marriages all before the age of 35 says there is something wrong there and he isn’t the only one.

- Jenna Gennaro on January 7th, 2009

I agree Jenna, unless it’s a deal breaker (ie, abuse, addiction. infidelity etc) people should go to counseling and work through their problems. Yes, sometimes divorce is best for the kids and family in general, but I think it’s only in times like there’s been abuse, addiction etc.

Wanna know what I think would cut the divorce rate significantly? if people went to a years worth of pre-marital counseling. Yes, that means being engaged for an entire year. That way, they would work through problems they had BEFORE they got married and they would learn how to work through problems that came up after they got married.

- Becky on January 7th, 2009

I’ve noticed a lot of people only get married when they think they are ready to start having kids, but I think a marriage has a life of it’s own (so to speak) and needs quite a bit of time to be able to support the weight of the family. Learning how to “be married” can be time consuming and difficult, especially in our society today where there are so few good role models to follow.

- Mom to be on January 7th, 2009

I think the most important thing is not to make the kid(s) feel guilty about loving/wanting to be with the other parent. My parents were also divorced, but the worst part was being questioned for visiting the other parent and feeling guilty because I still loved both of them while they didn’t love each other anymore.

- Artemis on January 7th, 2009

I don’t care about getting marries and getting divorced three months later if there are no children involved. But I have no respect for people that create a child together and then break up 3 months later.

- Anna on January 7th, 2009

Jenna Gennaro, I applaud you for your point of view!

The reason many (not all) couples divorce is nothing but GREED. Also, people are too lazy to work through issues and just want to move on with someone new. Sad.

And, people should definitely get to know eachother better before they jump into anything, such as marriage or children.

- becka on January 8th, 2009

My parents divorced when I was 10 and never spoke again. I don’t blame my mom for stopping talking to my father, because he was very difficult. When I divorced, I vowed it would be different…and it was, UNTIL my ex met his new wife. She refused to allow him to talk to me, go to the same soccer games I went to, etc. I was floored. I had initiated the divorce and everything was very friendly between my ex and me and our son. My son’s boy scout master didn’t even know we were divorced. It saddens me greatly that things changed. I don’t blame the new wife, I blame my ex for allowing it. But, ultimately, it just saddens me for our son’s sake. I commend parents who think of their children first. Our children are reflections of us, their parents, and when one parent trashes another parent it’s as though they are trashing the child themselves.

- Sharon L on January 8th, 2009

As a product of “staying together for the sake of the children” I have to agree with all those who say it’s unhealthy. (But Jenna- I knew exactly what you were saying too- and agree!) My parents, esp. my mother, say they stayed for us kids when we all knew by jr.high they really stayed because they were emotionally co-dependent on each other and if they split they’d have to face their own demons instead of blaming each other for it. Kind of a heavy burden for a 12 year old.

So instead they’ve had a 35 year marriage, where the kids are more emotionally mature then their parents, had to pick up the pieces around them, sort through their very tangled lies, pick sides (and they changed frequently) and generally, from a very young age be adults.

The difference I see is maturity. People who marry with a mature outlook (this can happen at any age-19 or 45) will be more likely to divorce with a mature, child centric outlook. My parents are FINALLY divorcing and not at all surprisingly, custody is the big issue. But judging their maturity, so will lamps, rugs, dishes, etc. My poor siblings will have no chance at peace even if my parents are finally “making themselves happy”. I only hope and pray the judge will require everyone to attend counseling because, with my parents perspective (“our problems are our own, they don’t affect you kids”) it surely won’t happen!

So if you get divorced- I’d say the best way to make it easier for your kids is be mature. If you aren’t, get there fast because your kids need it at any age.

- R on January 8th, 2009

Marriage and divorce are both tricky situations in which to become involved. My own parents detest each other, and are still married to one another. It made their children unhappy and did not provide us with a proper example of an adult relationship at all. I honestly believe that our lives would have been much more pleasant and stress-free had my parents just divorced a long time ago–things are really that awful between them. I am a newlywed myself, and have always worried whether I would have a horrible marriage like my parents do/did. Luckily my husband and I are very good together and I can already tell that our marriage will be nothing like that of my parents. I think that one of the best ways to prepare for marriage is to live together before you get married!! It is the best way to gauge the strength and comfort level of your relationship. For those who do go through a divorce, I agree with many of the above posts: don’t talk badly about your former spouse in front of your kids, and be as amicable as possible in their presence with your ex. Jenna, I do agree with you that too many people rush into marriage and divorce very quickly–I know many people I graduated high school with who are in that very situation, and we are only 23!!

- Rachel on January 8th, 2009

Making divorce easier for our kids is simple — though not easy. We just need to put ourselves in our children’s shoes before making any decisions that affect them. If we see the world as they do, we’re not likely to make all the mistakes we keep seeing in celebrity and other divorces.

The key question to ask yourself is: What will my children say to me about how I handled the divorce when they are grown? If we keep that in mind, our children will not be emotionally scarred and can thrive after divorce.

Best regards,
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce

- Rosalind Sedacca on January 8th, 2009

boy oh boy, i WISH things could be kept cordial. unfortunately, the husband that i’m separated from is a sociopath & felon, and all the niceness in the world from me, does not get me anything in return.
luckily, he lives out of state, 500 miles away. he still thinks he can control my every move, and most recently, picked a fight over me not giving him the kids’ SS numbers. yeah, why don’t i let him claim them on his taxes, when he has NEVER supported them? so now he’s refusing to send child support, told me while on speakphone, IN FRONT OF OUR KIDS, that he’s going to do everything possible to hurt and harrass me, and has been hanging up on me when i call to let him talk with the children for the past week and a half.
i just wanted to say to anyone who does have the cordial split, that you are very lucky, and i’m glad for all involved, that you all can make it work. it’s ideal and mature. i get along much better with my kids’ half-brother’s mom (his ex), than i do my “husband”.

- jaQ on January 8th, 2009

and for the record, there was definitely mental abuse and LOOOOTS of infidelity on his part (about one woman for each month of our four year marriage), pathological lying, multiple stints in prison, the stealing of thousands of dollars from my parents and many other horrific and unforgivable things, that lead to my divorce. i fully intended on being commited for life, and i definitely should NOT have gotten married at 18. we’ve been separated for two years, and i’ve tried very hard to keep him and his family in a position where they’re able to see photos and get updates of the children, but honestly, they don’t seem too interested, sometimes.
when i remarry, i will be more serious than ever with my vows. i would hate to have this happening with my future children.

- jaQ on January 8th, 2009

Jenna Gennaro-
I totally agree! So many people get married way too quickly and it doesn’t work. You should be careful and take your time. And don’t have kids if you are going to get divorced- their lives get ruined! At your wedding, you make vows to stay together and you should! It’s a sin and against the Christian religion to get divorced! I just don’t click with divorce unless there is abuse, addiction, infidelity, lying. Stay together!

- Mary on January 8th, 2009

Jenna, many people forget to nurture their marriages much in the way they nurture their children. Marriage/Living Together is a whole new realm for people and there is a lot to get used to. Some people find they have a tough time parting with their old ways and adjusting to their partner. Add in a child and suddenly the entire dynamic in your lives change and you haven’t had time to truly adjust to the concept of marriage. Obviously there’s a lot more to it but, that’s one of the main reasons I see divorce happen.

- Harley on January 9th, 2009

How about not be selfish and actually try a little harder to stay together? You made your bed, how bout sleep in it? As a child of divorced parents I am sickened at how many file for divorce. If you loved each other enough to get married and have kids, then why can’t you go to marriage counseling for more than a second?

- Annie Harper on January 9th, 2009

I have to disagree again with the idea of staying together for the children. My husband’s college roomate is staying with his wife “for the children” and also because he would agree with Jenna that there are very few acceptable reasons for divorce. Being miserably unhappy is not good enough in his mind. Actually he has told me that he wouldn’t leave her if she cheated. They have two daughters and I can already see how it effects them. Their 4 year old told me she was sad because Mommy and Daddy were yelling again. If there was ever a poster couple for divorce, these two would be it. They fight all the time. I think I am fairly unbiased and she is terrible to him. They are intimate maybe 3-4 times per year and they have told both daughters that they were “accidents”. It doesn’t benefit the kids to know that mom and dad are unhappy because of them. And in this case, there is no “good reason” for them to split, but it is cleary an awful situation.

- Holly on January 14th, 2009