Jerry Seinfeld Perplexed By Birthday Parties
 Lawrence Schwartzwald/Splash News Online |
Make no mistake, Jerry Seinfeld is no fan of birthday parties. “I hate every single one of them,” the 54-year-old comedian said during a recent appearance on the Late Show with David Letterman. “I hate everything about them.” Tops on Jerry’s list of dislikes? Piñatas!
“It changes the mood. It’s like, today you’re 5…lets get violent on that fake donkey. And you have to encourage the child, so I’m holding little 4-year-old shoulders, saying ‘You wail on this ignorant beast, you hear me? You beat him senseless. And whatever falls out of his ruptured carcass, grab it and eat it right in front of his face.’”
The trauma doesn’t end there for Jerry, who noted that after the piñata has been destroyed attention usually turns to a game of ’Pin the Tail on the Donkey.’ “When we’re done with [the piñata], we’re going to put a picture of his brother on the wall, everyone is going to get a pin and we’re going to nail his ass,” he joked. Bouncy castles are also a sore spot for Jerry, who is father to Sascha, 8, Julian Kal, 5 ½ and Shepherd Kellen, 3. “They have a slot in the front, you bring your child to the party, you insert your child into the slot, you turn around and they show you what their real personality actually is,” Jerry explained to host Dave Letterman, himself dad to 5-year-old Harry Joseph. “By the time they get out, they’re so psychotic you just throw ‘em in the minivan/paddy wagon, strap them into their car seat/straight jacket and drive away.”
Click below to read Jerry’s thoughts on co-sleeping.
Before becoming a dad, Jerry says he had difficulty predicting the ages of children he encountered. “I’d say, ‘What is he, 3 months?’…’No, he’s 16′…I would have no clue,” he joked. Now that he has more experience, Jerry says he’s gotten better in such situations, although he’s learned that moms are often a bit more precise in their calculations. “I don’t know why mothers don’t want to give it up to you when you can guess [the age],” he mused. “I’m around all these kids all the time!”
“There was a mother at our apartment the other day [with a baby]. I said, ‘Year-and-a-half?’ She said, ‘Oh, no, no, no. 20 months.’ What is that? Come on, give me that one.”
Shepherd has been making the most of his status as the baby of the family, as he’s been making more and more early morning appearances in his parents’ room. “My wife has taken to bringing him into our bed at 4 a.m., which is a delightful experience,” Jerry lamented. “It’s kind of like sleeping next to a laundry bag with a live collie in it.” That’s not all! Jerry adds,
“There’s a heat pump thing with little kids, they throw off tremendous amounts of heat. So you also get the feeling of a small engine running on bad gas, knocking and sputtering all night. It doesn’t run smooth. So in between the vomiting and the defecation, it’s not only romantic to sleep with your wife, but you wake up feeling refreshed and ready to go.”
Sascha, Julian and Shepherd are Jerry’s kids with wife Jessica.
Source: Late Show with David Letterman
Here’s to our kiddos!
