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11/17/2008 at 03:00 PM ET

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Showing 13 comments

Susan on

Oh that poor child. The mother sounds so selfish. As I read the article I kept hoping it was a very late April Fools joke. She gave him back because it reminded her of her infertility? Disgusting.

mp on

The adoption story was appalling. I hope that precious little boy isn’t emotionally scarred for life.

Amanda on

What a sad story about litle “Ben”. Something tells me that she probably anticipated a little newborn who looked like her, and when she was blessed with a playful toddler who may have not resembled her at all, she couldn’t get over herself.
I feel bad for her husband, who seemed to have fallen for that little boy. And I am mostly sad for the little boy who in his 2 years of life has already experienced so much physical and emotional neglect.

Bren on

OMG!! I am so angry at this story ‘Why, after just two weeks, a woman chose to give her adopted son away — Daily Mail ‘ Unbelivable!! the selfishness of this woman! She is so right ‘we’ do not understand! her excuses are not so stupid!!
Now I know why it takes so long to adopt, this is exactly the reason why the adoption process is such a hard one. You cannot return a child like an unwanted piece of clothing which is exactly what this woman did. I am happy little ‘Ben’ was adopted by a loving family…God does things for a reason, Ben was meant to be with a better mommy and a loving family and Yvette was meant to never have children!

Sorry if I have offended anyone…but this story made me so angry!! My brother adopted a little boy, and we couldnt picture our lives without him!

Meg on

What a TERRIBLE story. I couldn’t even finish it. I only got halfway through. It was ridiculous and heartbreaking at the same time. That poor, poor boy.

Holly on

this woman has every right to do what she did….good for her for sticking to her deep feelings which were obviously hard for her to be let known

this kid is 2 people, not 10, quite a difference in memory capability there

brannon on

Wow. Thank god she gave him back. He did deserve better. For me the most shocking part of the story was that of his brothers and sisters. I would never, ever, ever be able to split up siblings. I realize it is difficult to place siblings together, but I couldn’t be part of taking one without taking all. That image makes me nauseous.

Shaunie on

The article is just sad!

Her quote: “Ben did absolutely nothing wrong. It wasn’t about him, it was about ME. You hear so many different stories about adoption being difficult, but they are always centred on the children.”

Only confirms how selfish she was about the situation! The only person she was thinking of was herself. Parenthood and adoption is suppose to be centered around the children! What about this little boy’s feelings or her husband’s, who grew attached to him? How awful a situation she put them through because she decides after only 2 WEEKS it wasn’t the “fairytale life” she wished for!

And I found is interesting how early on she says in the article:

“A few days later they were shown a video of Ben at play…’It showed that he was a little bit bullied by them and I found that very difficult to watch,’ she says. ‘By then I really felt he was my baby – so I felt very protective.'”

And she says numerous times in the article that she LOVES him…

What happened to that feeling? Was it a momentary feeling? Did she feel the need to add that in so other people wouldn’t consider her an awful person? Or to convince herself she did love him, and had his best interest at heart so she’d feel less guilty?

I’m just glad that little boy did eventually find a loving family!

Dana on

My husband worked with a couple who did the exact same thing. They had a biological daughter who was 8 at the time. Her daughter wanted a sibling, and the mom really didn’t like being pregnant, or babies, so they decided to adopt. They got this little boy who was 5. He had come from an abusive home and was very skittish. After about a month, he started to open up and even asked if he could call her “Mommy.” He started to become very vocal and rambunctious. They took him to the doctor and he was diagnosed with ADD. Their daughter was pouty because she didn’t want a brother, she wanted a sister (and was VERY spoiled) who she could boss around and play quietly with. Her parents announced a couple of week later that they were giving the boy back. The mom even said, “We gave it a shot, and it didn’t work out. We were never sure if this was a good idea, but figured we would at least try.” Needless to say, most of their friends are no longer around. They alienated numerous people over this incident.

MB on

I can’t even imagine doing that. But, if you read down to the bottom of the article (which, admittedly was hard for me to do), a psychiatrist diagnosed it as post-natal depression and that DOCTOR told her not to keep the baby. So I’m not sure it was all selfishness on her part. I feel terrible for that little boy, but at least it sounds like to him the move was like just moving to another foster family. I’m trying not to judge. :-/

Megan on

While I don’t exactly like the tale of a woman returning her new child to fostercare, I have to say it raises a lot of issues. Number one, post-adoption depression DOES exist and has been documented. The same emotions that can flood a woman after birth can also flood a woman after adoption. Number two, people do need to make peace with their infertility (if they have it) before adoption, or at least come to terms with the fact that adoption isn’t “settling.” Aside from that, I would wonder what on earth is up with the siblings. Eight siblings and they want to separate him and not place any of them together? And what sort of issues might this child have had that this woman was not prepared for? I don’t know how UK fostercare adoptions but they differ so much county to county within the US, and many people are placed with children that they literally do not have the means to parent.

One thing to note is that this woman is not entirely to blame. There’s a husband there who would be equally to blame. There were also social workers who pushed for her to return him to fostercare. It was a highly emotional period and the only guidance she got was “don’t adopt him!” so how could you really blame her for not continuing the adoption? And honestly she was doing what she thought was best for the child in the long run by realizing very quickly that she’d never care for him the same way she would a biological child.

I’m not saying this lightly. My husband and I also dealt with infertility and also adopted a two year old son, home 1 year today (so yes this article makes me emotional). I not once regretted my child. Well, okay, that first week when he gave up naps was a bit hard and lead to some bad sleep-deprived thoughts, but other than that… :) The fact is, going from zero to toddler is tough and there’s not much to go on. You’re a first time parent with crazy emotions and no matter how well they sleep you’re still exhausted 24/7. Your whole life changes in an instant and instead of being able to adjust to it with a tiny, crying lump of baby who sleeps a lot you have to do it with a running, hitting, tantruming toddler who socks you in the eye if you tell him no. Well, in my case anyway. Then there’s the isolation. You aren’t like the other new moms because your kid is already running and talking and doing things, but you aren’t like the toddler moms either because your kid is still adjusting and you’re still figuring out every single thing about motherhood, trying to come up with answers to questions you should know like “how many molars does he have?” or “what’s his favorite food?” There’s nowhere you really fit in other than with other adoptive parents of toddlers and while there are a lot of us sometimes we’re a bit spread out and hard to find. Would I do it again? In an instant, no questions asked. But is it for everyone? No, not at all.

And while I’d love to say this is horrible and that woman is horrible and that poor boy is a victim to her evil whims, there were so, so many other adults, professionals, first parents, etc that have contributed to the fate of that poor boy. Also, there are so many different things that could’ve been done to help that woman along and support her in the bonding process instead of pushing her into relatively unchartered territory, leaving her there, encouraging her to give up and then demonizing her for it later on.

Minnie on

Where was the support for the poor mother in the article? Why aren’t women who are having children, biological or adopted, warned that it might not be like on tv and in books etc and that they might not “bond” instantly with their child?

I didn’t bond with my child for the first three months – I just kept looking at this perfect and beautiful baby and thinking “how can this be my child, I don’t feel anything”. I didn’t feel any of those things everyone tells you that you’ll feel, no mother-bear protectiveness or anything. Thank goodness I had my sister who had terrible PND to help me out or I would have gone the same way. She kept me calm and said it would come and took the baby when I just needed to cry. It happened in the end, in the most stupid of ways – I had my “Oh my God” moment when Lizzie was three months old.

Some people, for whatever reason, just take longer to bond with a baby. It doesn’t make them Bad Mothers or Evil or whatever, it’s probably just a chemical thing and a personality thing. I just can’t believe that none of the social workers told this poor woman that or prepared her. I’m not surprised post-adoption depression exists if women aren’t given support on this crucial issue.

Everyone said “when they put that baby in your arms you’ll forget everything and fall in love and you’ll never be the same again”. Well, it happened but I had to wait three very long months and it breaks my heart that this poor woman who so clearly wanted a child wasn’t told that, unlike in the movies, these things can take time.

Kat on

I read this story and I’m both angry at the process, which I really think should have required psychiatric examination for adoptive parents to help spot this ahead of time, but I also am sad for the child and both parents.

This woman clearly was going through post-adoption depression, much as a birth mother would go through post-pardum depression.

I truly hope that, with lots of therapy, she will get back to a place where she can open her heart to adopting a child again.

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