Michelle Williams in Wonderland
Michelle Williams is the covergirl for the latest issue of Wonderland. In a photospread and interview inside — completed before the accidental death of her former fiancé Heath Ledger, whom she split with last fall — the complex 27-year-old actress muses on parenthood to daughter Matilda Rose, 2, mommy brain, insecurities, Dawson’s Creek, her film choices, and the delicate balance of work and motherhood.
Click below for the photo and interview highlights.
On how her morning is going on the day of the interview:
I’m trying to wake up. My brain doesn’t quite function until late afternoon. I just dropped my daughter Matilda off at school and now I’m tidying up the house, drinking coffee and rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.
On balancing work and motherhood:
It’s not easy. Last April I was over in London doing a movie called ‘Incendiary’ with Ewan McGregor. It’s about a woman grieving after losing her husband and son in a terrorist attack. It was a brutal role and arduous: six-day weeks, 14 hour-days. I was like the walking dead towards the end.
Matilda would visit me everyday on-set for lunch and I’d race home to put her to bed. My only days off were Sundays and as much as I’d want to pass out, I’d try to take her out somewhere fun so she didn’t associate me with boredom. The only time that is really my own these days is after I’ve put her to bed and until I go to bed. That’s about two hours.
On how becoming a mother has changed her:
I feel like I didn’t have any relationship with my body before Matilda. Well I did, but it was just a bad one. After having my daughter I can’t judge myself in the same way. My body has done this totally miraculous but utterly ordinary thing.
The downside is that my vocabulary has shrunk to the size of a pea. Since having a kid I just don’t have the same access to the world. I don’t see as many shows, I don’t go to many movies and I hardly read any books anymore. I’m lucky to make it through a book a month.
So you start to develop in a much more non-verbal way, which can be so frustrating.
On getting ‘financial emancipation’ from her parents at 15:
We were living in San Diego at that point and I’d had bit-part acting jobs on and off. There were other kids around me who were making commercials and going to Los Angeles for auditions. The idea was that I could get more and better jobs if I became emancipated because then you don’t need a social worker and you can work longer hours.
My dad is very work-oriented and I think I picked up on that. It was for practical reasons but as a parent myself now, it’s hard for me to understand. I don’t think that I would let my own daughter do that. I’ve always been strong-willed. It served me well.
On why she’s been doing so many films (she has three completed, is finishing Mammoth, and starts filming Shutter Island in Boston next month. An additional movie, Blue Valentine, has been postponed following Heath’s death):
Sometimes I wonder, but I’m very happy at home just reading a book or puttering about. I love domestic life. I’m really my mother’s daughter. I like needlepoint, folding laundry and baking bread. I can be happy doing that stuff for a long time.
But right now the work is so good and the opportunities are so remarkable — they’re what I’ve always hoped for — that it’s hard to pass up. You always wonder how long the good roles will keep coming.
On becoming famous as a teen on the hit series Dawson’s Creek:
We were all living in North Carolina and so we were really insulated from it. Also the media culture now is so different from what it was even five years ago when ‘Dawson’s Creek’ ended.
People weren’t paying attention to who we were dating, what we were wearing or drinking. We were pretty much left alone. We got off scot-free because if the paparazzi had come down then there certainly would have been things to talk about.
I was 16 when I started. It’s a strange record to have of those awkward years.
It was a very important time for my personal development. When I came onto that show I didn’t have any taste or values. Doing that show gave me self-esteem and my work ethic. But, weirdly enough, it also gave me some privacy to develop my ideas about who I was as an actress and what I did and did not want to do.
On if her stage and film choices after Dawson’s Creek were reactionary:
Yes, and that’s what I mean about ‘Dawson’s Creek’ allowing me to develop my taste, because I began to realize that my taste was in contradiction to what I was doing every single day. Don’t get me wrong, it was great in the beginning and I was grateful, but towards the end the quality started to diminish. It can be frustrating when you’re changing, but your work doesn’t change with you.
Going naked in the off-Broadway play ‘Killer Joe’ was probably a reaction to ‘Dawson’s Creek.’ I was so f–king thrilled when I read that play. But I’m not a huge reactionary. I don’t really move in opposition to things or people, I move in an internal place. I don’t reflect on my choices after ‘Dawson’s Creek’ as being born out of just rebellion because they still feel in line with me.
On if she went to former co-star Katie Holmes’ wedding to Tom Cruise:
Everybody wants to know that. No, I didn’t go because I was working on ‘The Tourist.’ To be honest, we’re not really in touch.
On if she acts to get attention or disappear into a role:
It’s a generalization, but actors are either extroverts or introverts, it’s true.
I’ve been thinking a lot recently about why I act because I think of myself as more of an introvert. I embarrass easily. I have such problems with people looking at me. So I think, ‘Why do I do this to myself? Why do I do something so public?’ But I never expected it to be this public.
It does seem like a funny choice for somebody who doesn’t really like attention.
On how she’s able to do nude scenes when she’s so shy (she was topless in Brokeback Mountain and nude in Killer Joe):
There’s a strange and curious spell that happens between ‘Action!’ and ‘Cut!’
For some reason the time that I’m working is the only time when I can exist completely without judgment. That judgment exists right up until a take and immediately after a take. But it’s glorious in the moment of work because I’m not questioning it so it doesn’t make it that difficult while it’s happening.
It’s like nirvana. When it’s good, that is.
On being her own harshest critic:
I can’t imagine anyone being more difficult on me than I am. It’salmost a problem. Half of my work I’ve seen and half of it I haven’t.I’m just not mature enough to watch it and be critical but fair.
Whenever I watch something that I’ve done, I remember the day that Imade it, what it felt like to be inside my body and the insecuritiesabout my thought process. I can’t quite suspend my disbelief.
I didlove seeing the Bob Dylan movie ‘I’m Not There’ because I think that mypart in it is small enough so I can watch it without being too consumedby personal recriminations.
On if she’d describe herself as vain:
I have insecurity masquerading as vanity. I don’t think I’m vain as anactress but I’m probably more so as a person.
Again, it goes back tothat thing about when I’m working is the only time when I don’t judgemyself. I f
eel totally open to exploring all the sides of my physicalself in my work. While I’m working I really don’t give a f–k how Ilook. Afterwards, if I have to watch it, I might have some problems.
On being voted one of People‘s Most Beautiful People:
I didn’t actually know about the most beautiful people thing. Thepositive comments and good feedback never really touches you. There canbe 100 great reviews, but you only listen to the one bad one. I can onlyabsorb the negativity, which is a flaw. I wouldn’t recommend thatapproach.
On if she gets recognized when she’s out in NYC:
It depends. There are places that just aren’t good to go, like SoHo on the weekend.
I have to say it’s suddenly got a lot easier like in the last couple of months. It’s really quietened down.When you’re in a relationship with somebody who is also a public personality then it doubles the attention from the media. When you minus that equation it’s just less enticing.
That’s been a real bonus. It’s the plus side of the break-up for me. It was so pervading, it got bad there for a while. Every time I walk out of the door I still worry. That’s what is so silly about it: even if the paparazzi aren’t there, you wonder if they are. I’m not good at that stuff. I need to get better at it. It really used to affect me.
On the most extravagant thing she’s ever bought:
Probably my house. Is that an extravagance? I used to collect rare books. My prized book is a really beautiful unbound Shakespeare, which never made it to the publishers. I used to buy them to commemorate a job, but I haven’t done it in a while.
I have a penchant for Victorian jewelery now, so I’m always on eBay. I’ve had to cool down because it got out of hand. I was setting my alarm for three in the morning to bid!
On looking ahead to her 30s:
I don’t really have a concept of my 30s. Obviously so much has changed for me in the last few months that I don’t really have an idea of what my life is going to be.
I thought I knew certain things and it turned out that I didn’t, so I don’t really try and anticipate so much anymore. I’m not making any bets on the future.
I feel like I’m just starting to catch up to my age. 27 years old sounds about right now. For a long time, I didn’t really relate to my age because I was working so much when I was 16 and I [was pregnant] at 24. I always felt way too young for my situation. Now it’s starting to even out.
Source: Wonderland, Issue 12
