Kellie Coffey reveals how fertility struggle inspired new song
Academy of Country Music award winner Kellie Coffey, 36, always knew she wanted to do two things with her life…be a mother and a singer. Little did she know that her journey to become a mother would produce "I Would Die For That," a song about her struggles with infertility. The song, which is featured on her new album Walk On, is now one of the top videos on YouTube.
With all the success of the video, Kellie felt it was time to share her story in her own words.
Click below to read Kellie’s story, to watch the video, and for a new picture of her little miracle, now 20 months.
On her official site, Kellie recalls her struggles to be a mother:
I knew it was happening to me…but I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t wantto believe it. I went to my writing session with my producer, WayneKirkpatrick, anyway. When I got there, it got worse. I was reallycramping and bleeding now. I looked at him with tears in my eyes andsaid, “I think something bad is happening.”
He was looking at hiscomputer trying to bring up some sounds for a song we were workingon…"Huh?” he said and looked up as he asked, “What’s wrong?”
I heardmyself say the words, “I think I’m having a miscarriage.” He stood upand hugged me. He was very comforting but I said, “I have to call myhusband, Geoff [Koch], I have to go home.”
I wondered if I had workedout too hard. Maybe I ate something bad. Why was this happening to me?Was I too stressed out? Did I wait too long to have a baby? I wasgetting hysterical. Maybe it will stop and the baby will be alright.
Geoff answered the phone, “Hello?”
“It’s getting worse,” I blurted out, sobbing.
“Where are you?” he asked.
“I’m driving.”
“I want you to calm down. Do you need to pull over?"
“No. I just want to get home and lay down.”
“Youare closer to the doctor’s office. Can you drive yourself there? I willmeet you. You have to calm down first, though. It’s going to bealright.”Geoff has this way of making me feel like it’s gonna be okay.He is a rock.
Kellie and her husband, Geoff, had decided to wait to have a family while Kellie’s career took off.
My career was all encompassing. It was likestepping onto a moving train. I was working so hard. I was sofocused. There were two things that I wanted in life more thananything. One was to be a singer and the other was to be a mom. Ikept telling myself (and my husband), we’ll get pregnant after I canget established in the business, after this next single, once my secondalbum hits retail…after I get a hold of this thing.
Like mostwomen I wanted to have it all: a great marriage, fulfilling career andbe a hands-on Mom. The reality is there is a price for everything. Iknew there was discrimination involving female artists getting pregnantin the recording industry. It was looked upon as a lack of commitment.You’ll lose your edge. You’ll get fat and have to take a break fromtouring and promoting your records.
My record label executives neverdirectly said that I would be putting my career at risk by gettingpregnant. However, the rampant negative comments about other femalesingers that were having babies made their position clear: You’llseriously damage your career.
So I put it off. I didn’t start my familywhen I wanted to…I kept working. I was touring with some of thebiggest names in country music and hearing my songs on the radio butsomething was missing…children. I looked up and I was 32.
At that point, the songstress knew that she had a decision to make – her career or a family.
So,I had a choice to make and for me there really was no choice. As anewer, non-established artist I knew what I was risking but I knew whatI wanted. Because I was so excited, I let it slip out at a businessdinner with my manager that my husband and I had been trying to getpregnant.
Within a month, my manager was gone and so was my recordlabel. I was surprised at the speed with which I found myself on theoutside.
While I tried to pick up the pieces of my career, I turnedmost of my attention to preparing myself for motherhood, at least thegetting pregnant part. I read everything there was to read. Mostly, Iworried that somehow it wasn’t going to happen for me, that I hadwaited too long and I wouldn’t be able to conceive. It wasn’t rationalbut it was a real fear.
After a year of trying, it all poured out in asongwriting session. I laid my soul bare with my co-writers. Within acouple of hours we had written, “I Would Die For That.” I wasn’t sure Icould ever sing it in public because it made me cry every time I justread the lyrics.
The amazing thing was that I found out I waspregnant within a few days after writing the song. My husband and Istarted dreaming about a child. Was it a girl or a boy? What would wename him or her? I was walking on a cloud. I poured myself back intomy songwriting with a vengeance. I could have it all and it was fullspeed ahead. Then came the worst day of my life.
Sobbing while I drovemyself to my doctor’s office, I kept saying out loud, “No. This can’tbe happening to me. I already love this baby.” Within a few days, weleft for Oklahoma to spend Thanksgiving with my family, where I hadplanned to tell them all I was pregnant. At least I was surrounded bymy family that weekend.
Kellie and her husband decided to try again and she was soon expecting.
My doctor assured me thatnothing I did caused my miscarriage. Still, I decided not to try to besuperwoman during this pregnancy. I slowed down. Having this baby wasthe most important thing in my life. “I Would Die For That.” Not onlydid I not want to do anything to put the pregnancy at risk, I wanted toenjoy it.
A few months into my pregnancy, I started writing andrecording again and it felt different. The songs came from a deeperplace. It was as if I was being reborn as an artist and as a person asmy baby grew inside me. Most of the final vocals and many of the songson my album Walk On were written and recorded while I was pregnant.
The couple welcomed son Jackson Geoffrey Koch on November 15, 2005. He is now 20 months.
InNovember 2005, I gave birth to my son. The lyrics of the song, “I WouldDie For That” still echo and feel real each time I sing the song. Nowwhen I sing it, it’s filled less with a haunting personal desperationand more with a complete understanding and empathy for the women whoare still on that journey and have endured far more pain than I have.
While I am still an artist and still pursuing my career, I now knowthat there is nothing more precious to me than my son and I was right — I would die for that.
Source: Kellie Coffey’s Official Site
My heart goes out to all of the people who struggle with infertility. It truly is a bitter irony that some of the people who want a child most aren’t able to get pregnant, but those people who don’t even want one end up accidentally getting pregnant.
Our Dr. wants us to do IVF but we can’t afford it and our state isn’t mandated to have insurance cover any treatment. I don’t know what’s to happen. A diagnosis of “Unexplained Infertility” is so hard to cope with. I want so badly to be a mom and to make my husband a Dad. I just feel so broken.
