Rachael Ray explains her stance on not having children

05/15/2007 at 12:33 PM ET

The spotlight has been on celebrity chef Rachael Ray for some time now regarding when or if she and husband John Cusimano plan to have kids. Rachael recently set the record straight to People, saying that they do not plan on having kids and explaining her reasons why.

I don’t have time. I work too much to be an appropriate parent. I feel like a bad mom to my dog some days because I’m just not here enough. I just feel like I would do a bad job if I actually took the time to literally give birth to a kid right now and try and juggle everything I’m doing.

Source: People Magazine, May 14th issue, pg. 120-121

FILED UNDER: Uncategorized

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TwinMom24 on

I don’t understand why someone should have to defend her decision not to have children. I think she is taking a very responsible approach. Good for her!

Nicole on

It always somewhat upsets me when people give a woman a hard time when she makes it known she doesn’t want children. Being a parent isn’t for all of us, so why should those of us who do want kids (or have kids) make “non-parents” feel as if they’re freaks of nature for choosing not to procreate? I say good for Rachel in deciding what’s best for her. She shouldn’t HAVE to defend her choice, but she sounds very happy in her marriage :)

Kelli on

TwinMom, I agree with you 100% that it is stupid that she has to “defend” her reasons not to have children. What kind of society have we become that someone would be made to feel like they need to clarify their reasons why they do not want to have children. That is her personal decision.

Lauren on

I agree, TwinMom and Nicole. I remember an interview with Helen Mirren in which she stated that she never regretted not having children was posted here months ago, and you wouldn’t believe how many people wrote in insinuating that her life was less full than the lives of those who have kids and that she was insulting mothers by saying that she was thrilled that she never had kids. Parenting is not for everyone, and if more people realized that, there wouldn’t be so many half-***ed mothers running around. Props to people like Helen and Rachel who know what’s best for them and choose not to cave into other peoples’ pressure.

sarawara on

I agree 100%. The comments that Rachael made are very responsible. SOOOOOO many celebrities should take a cue from her.

Ashton on

I just think that women that have never had children have no idea what they are missing. They make the choice without even knowing what they are giving up. I just find it somewhat selfish for Rachel to say that she just doesn’t have the time.

Stephanie on

I don’t understand how it’s “selfish” of Rachel to say she doesn’t have time. If she said she just plain didn’t want them because she hates kids, would you still be calling her selfish?? And how is she supposed to find out what she’s missing? Would it be more fair for her to have a child, raise it for a year, and then decide she still doesn’t want kids? Would you lend her your children for a year, Ashton? If she is perfectly content living her life with her husband, and enjoying a career she is obviously very talented at, then what is she missing? My step-mother never had children of her own, and she has expressed that while she loves my brother and I, she does not regret not having children, and would not have been happy raising kids and leading a different life. I don’t understand why women with children think that women without children are somehow lacking.

madison on

Oh wow, I know everyone has a right to their opinion and I try to respect that – but I am truly floored by that comment. She is being shelfish b/c she has made the choice not to bring children into her world??? I actually think the exact opposite. It’s those people who have kids just b/c they feel they are supposed to have kids (as opposed to truly wanting to be a parent) who are the selfish ones. And in terms of not knowing what you are missing until you have one- what’s the alternative? I don’t think there’s a trial system available for kids. What if I didn’t want a child but decided to test it out, just to see what I am missing. And then “Oops, I was right, I really didn’t want a child but now here I have one. My bad”.

kristen on

Ashton-

I don’t think it’s selfish of her at all. I have a cousin who has a very demanding career and at 43, has no children and doesn’t plan to. She has had a very fulfilling life with her husband. I think it’s a very personal choice, not everyone HAS to have children and they shouldn’t have to defend themselves.

Heck, some people shouldn’t have children and they do, so why not be responsible and acknowledge that you aren’t financially/emotionally ready to have children?

I think she made a very good statement and people should respect her decision and privacy.

cindy on

I would find it selfish if she did have children and then decided she didn’t have time for them, but not the other way around. While I love and adore my children and can’t imagine life without them, I know people who didn’t want children and they’re perfectly fine, normal, happy people who knew they weren’t cut out to be parents. Many of them are the world’s best aunts, uncles, and godparents, however.

Anney on

Ashton–
You love your children, and you have found personal fulfillment as a mother. That’s wonderful, and we all respect that. But how do you know that Rachel Ray is missing out on anything? Parenting is not a series of Kodak moments, but full of good and bad times (or at least frustrating moments). It could be that Rachel Ray knows this and decided that she loves her life just the way it is. And how is she being selfish? She worries that she’s not giving her dog enough attention, let alone a child. She knows that children need lots of love and attention, which she cannot give right now. Should she give up a career that has brought her success and fulfillment? Or bring a child into the world that she can’t give sufficient attention to?

Kate on

Ashton:
Rachel is not obligated to reproduce. She is taking nothing away from the world or anyone else by not having children. She is however avoiding bringing an unwanted child into the world, and I applaud her for that. No one should be guilted into motherhood. It’s beyond my comprehension how anyone could reduce the decision to have children to a moral one. Mothers are no more or less morally superior to those who chose not to have children.

Dawn on

It is nice to see a woman come out and say that they wouldn’t make a very good parent on the heels of George Clooney and Simon Cowell. It is very responsible of all three of them. I hope young people look to them to see that you can have a great life without children and that admitting that you don’t want children and being confident in the decision is not a bad thing. It is a responsible thing.

Ashton on

The only point I was trying to make is that Rachel made the comment that the reason is that she does not have time. She did not say that she does not like children or any other reason. I just believe that women sometimes have a career over having children and in Rachel’s case she could very easily do both. I have a career and raised a child, lots of women do. I do stand by my statement that women who make that choice would if they could change their mind if they knew what they were giving up. I can’t for one second imagine my life without my child. But ignorance is bliss I guess. Sure, Rachel is free to make whatever decision she wants about having children.

TwinMom on

Ashton, are you suggesting that she should have a baby and then maybe change her mind later? Once you’ve had a child, there’s no going back! Some people simply don’t want to be parents. What’s wrong with that? Like a previous poster said, parenthood isn’t a series of Kodak moments.
It’s a full-time (and very often challenging) job!

I have a neighbour who is a divorced career woman -she makes well over $100K, so she’s quite comfortable, dresses in high fashion, travels all the time, and has had some really pricey renos on her house. She lives like a queen and before I had kids, I always wondered why on earth she would not want to have children. Now that I’m a parent, as much as I love my kids and would do it all over again, I understand people who choose not to. Maybe they’re career driven, or maybe they like having all that extra money. Or maybe they just didn’t want the headaches that go along with parenthood. I wouldn’t trade my parenthood experiences and memories for anything… giving birth, rocking my babies to sleep, first steps, kindergarten graduation, homework, and just the every day moments I get to be a part of. I even look back fondly on the not-so-fun times… surviving on 2 hours of sleep, colic, teething, tantrums, dinnertime battles, naughty behaviour at school….. although at the time I was pulling my hair out over them!

I can understand Rachel’s point of view as well. To each his own, right?

jean on

its her choice not to have kids. how she really could choose a life without a child is beyond me, but its her life. the only way that it can be selfish is if her husband wants kids. i’d like to know his stand on the issue.

Stephanie on

I think she would make a great mom! But if that is not what she wants than she should not have to defend herself. She is a busy woman and is being responsible by admiting she doesn’t feel she can juggle the two, but I personaly hands-down would not choose a career over motherhood. Because what happens when her stardom is gone? She has become so popular the past couple of years. My only thing is that she could look back and really feel like she missed out something really special….either way. I think you all have a point, but it is obviously not our place to judge. There could be more to it than we may know.

Liz on

Ashton,
I don’t understand why a woman chooses to not to have kids, it is automatically she is missing out! She isnt buying a car, she can’t exactly test-birth a kid and decides to “give away” later. Just because you love having kids, doesn’t mean you can force it on other people. Not everyone likes that lifestyle. In fact she is being very wise for choosing not to have kids with her demanding jobs. Raising kids are a lot of works, not everyone is up for it.
But you are right about one thing, it is her life, she can whatever she pleases. And she shouldn’t have to defend her decisions to people like you or anyone else.

1_hotmama on

I totally agree with all that said she should not have to defend her decision. It is her life. And to all those who said it is a selfish decision, well I think it would be far more selfish to have a child and be too busy with your carrer!! I don’t think motherhood is for everyone. And that is ok.

Kate on

Ashton: Just because some women do both does not mean that Rachel should be obligated, or guilted, into doing both. Some people are very good at doing both, and others don’t feel like they can do both well. My mother was a stay-at-home mom and she said that she sees nothing wrong with mothers working but that she didn’t personally feel that she could do both and be good at it.
Also, Rachel does not have an average 9 to 5 job the way a lot of working mothers do. She has a magazine, four t.v. shows and various other projects going on. So I don’t think it’s fair to compare her to the average 9 to 5 mom.

conebaby on

Ashton is exactly the kind of women whom many of you stated you “don’t understand” and the kind of woman who I dislike the most. It is quite possible to like children just fine and still not want any because you have a busy career, or simply NOT WANT ANY. I don’t “hate” kids – I love my nephews, cousins, and the children of my friends but I don’t want any and I don’t have a particularly high-powered, time-consuming job. I just want to do other things with my life. And while it’s true that unless you have a child you can’t know what you are “missing out on” and that has the potential to cause one to have regrets later down the line, is that worse than HAVING a child and THEN regretting THAT? I mean, it’s preposterous to say “just have a kid, it will change your mind” and assume that the feelings you have about motherhood will translate into my experience and make any doubts or desires to fulfill other dreams just magically disappear. It’s a risky proposition and I find it hard to believe that every single woman on the planet would be magically transformed into supermom just by virtue of having a child – I mean lets face it – look at some of the mothers out there. We know that ain’t true, sister.

I do think it’s ridiculous Rachel Ray even feels the need to comment on this. I get it ALL THE TIME and it’s deeply offensive to me. I am not deficient, I am not less of a woman, I am not abnormal. I have a different set of likes, dislikes, and dreams than someone else my age who has a child or children. I think there is nothing MORE selfless than not bringing a child into the world unless you are 100% ready to be a parent and devote yourself to that dream. I know this because I have an incredible mother. That’s what women with children tend to forget about women without children – we may not be parents but many of us have had WONDERFUL parents and have observed this phenomenon closely enough to know whether we want it or not.

So what that some women can balance a career and a child? First of all, Rachel Ray is on like FOUR television shows, she runs a magazine, and has a line of merchandise out the waa-hoo. She’s likely busier than a lawyer, or even a doctor. And she stated quite clearly that her career wouldn’t allow her to be the KIND of mother she’d want to be. Anyone can have a child – not every woman is a wonderful mother; she clearly has a very specific idea of what that would entail, and doesn’t feel that her lifestyle would allow her to do both at once.

I can’t handle women like Ashton who feel that because you are born with a uterus you are required to grow something in it before you die, no matter what. Give me a big, fat, childless break.

nic on

The fact that someone can’t even FATHOM that someone ELSE could be happy without children shows how much EMPATHY they LACK. I would thing empathy would be something very important far a mother to have. but hey that’s just my opinion. Nice to know someone can live in a world where they obviously have never seen abused and neglected children. People who decide, for whatever reason to not have children are incredibly mature and brave for doing the right thing in their heart and not bowing to societal pressure from people who sit high and mighty on their morality horses judging and deciding what someone else’s definition of happiness should be.

Lilybett on

One of our Senators in Australia (an old geezer who also gay-bashes) made a comment a few weeks ago that our female deputy opposition leader could never be a good leader because she was “deliberately barren” and that people who hadn’t experienced being a parent didn’t know anything about community.

What a load of hogwash! First of all, would it make a difference if she medically barren? How would that affect her leadership skills?

Secondly, it’s funny that there are plenty of bachelor or married-but-childless men out there doing high powered jobs but their leadership is never called into question. Why don’t we hound men who choose not to have children?

Callen on

If Racheal Ray said she had too much of a demanding career to have children look at Kelly ripa! She did it all. But you know I would rather have a woman who says “Nope,no children” then have a woman who has children and doesn’t give 2 craps about them!:)

nicki on

well good for her at the end of the day it is her choice and why is it such a bad thing if she does not want kids at least she is being honest and realising she will not be able to give the proper things needed.

i am 24 dh is 29 married for 6 years and we get asked when are we having kids and we had been trying 5 years and nothing but one m/c.
now my doctors have told me under medical grounds i can not go through a pregnancy and so we want to adopt my feeling is so what if i did not bring the child into this world i am loving he or she regardless but some people do not see that and make judgements on me that i can not give my husband a baby or he can’t give me one.

as we live in the uk we have 24 hr coverage of little maddy the 4 year old who has been abducted and i said to my husband i can not do it i can not bring a child into this world even if i am allowed because there is just to much pain and evil for me to think about it.
that is my choice to make my life that it will change and my body also no one else’s and i would never put my judgement on how other’s choose to live their lives.
so i am saying good for her for making a choice that is for her and her husband alone and not what society says is right for a woman to do.

wavybrains on

Good for Rachel! So many of these celebrities seem to have babies as fashion accessories, with very little hands-on parenting happening. It is SO much better that she knows herself, her future goals & plans, and has the courage to admit where kids do or do not fall in that picture. I hope other celebrities (and working women) follow her lead in being honest with themselves!

millie on

No, I don’t think anyone should justify not wanting kids. That being said, I feel RR is self-centered to the extreme and obssessed with her own celebrity. She’s right, she shouldn’t have kids. I’m not sure why she’s on TV in the first place. I give this marriage another year.

Dawn on

Callen: The difference between Kelly and Rachel is that Kelly doesn’t have to do much work for her show. She doesn’t produce her show like RR does. She basically shows up every day and that is it. She does an hour and is usually out of there shortly afterwards unless they have to tape another show which is rare or to have a meeting. Kelly’s schedule wasn’t that demanding when she was doing her sitcom either. She made sure it wasn’t because of her kids. She was in and out of there by dinner time. Rachel not only has to tape her daily talk show but she also tapes many shows for The Food Network. I think she said over 200 when she was on The View a few weeks ago. She also has a magazine to run and is a best selling author. And is not like Rachel doesn’t have kids in her life. I believe she has a few nieces and nephews. She also just recently started a program to stop childhood obesity.

vanessa on

As a mother, i can never imagine life without children, however i respect every woman’s right to choose if she wants to be a mother or not.
If a woman doesn’t want to be a mother that doesn’t make her “selfish” or make her life less worthwhile then mine, she just choose a different path in life, and you know what? That’s OK! it doesn’t make her less of a woman.
I hate that we live in this free society and yet women are still having to defend their choices about having children,or not. It’s ridiculous. Women should be able to say “yes i want kids” or “no i don’t want kids” without feeling like they’re “bad” or they fail as a woman.

yaosa on

Kudos to Rachel!

And a shame that we women are so hard on each other about the issue of childbearing and rearing. I rarely come across men speculating about a woman’s fertility or choice to have children.

As much as I love my children and have never once regretted my decision to have them, I sometimes wonder if I was selfish to bring them into such a polluted world, such a troubled world, such an unhealthy world. I sometimes wonder if it would have been better to keep them safe in ‘their’ before world, the place they were before they were born to me here. I think that I have set them up in a world with so many challenges and problems. Of course, I realize that these thoughts are just my fears as a parent and I realize that actually my children are light years ahead of me in their intelligence and will be prepared to take on this world in its present disarray (global warming, emf etc)

I think it is not always an easy decision for a woman to decide to not have children but I truly respect women who know themselves well enough to decide not have them and not to be pressured and then have the courage to tell the world. I think it can be a healing and humbling experience for many.

Judy on

I don’t particularly like Rachael Ray but I respect her honesty and her decision not to have children if she doesn’t want any, and she does not have to explain or defend her decision to anyone.

lizzielui on

It’s a shame that we as women cannot embrace and support other women in the life decisions that they make for themselves. Having children is not something that someone should do if they have a “Let me try it and see if I like it” attitude. What if you have reservations about becoming a mom, have kids, and then don’t like it? Then what? One of the main problems we have in society now is that people do not always make smart decisions when it comes to bringing children into this world and as a result, the kids suffer. I still don’t see what is so selfish about saying, “I do not have the motivation, time, or interest in having kids right now, at this point in my life.” To me, that seems like the most rational decision a woman can make and I applaud Rachel and others like her for having the good sense to do so.

Dawna on

Just because a woman has the equipment does not mean she is obliged to use it. It has nothing to do with whether one is selfish.

I say Ms. Rachael is one smart cookie to be honest and upfront about being child free by choice.

As for her husband’s POV about not having children, he would have known her views before they got married which leads me to presume he also is of the same opinion.

I think society needs more younger women to speak up about not having children. It is difficult to look up to older women like Condoleeza Rice, Helen Mirren, and Gloria Steinam. It is is a good thing to have someone like Rachael declare being child-free is not a bad thing.

Men get off scot-free when they say they don’t want children. For example, George Clooney. Give Rachael a break. Having children is a choice, not an obligation.

Melissa on

I applaud Rachael! I can’t imagine not having kids, but that is me. As a child of a woman that did not want kids I respect her decision. My mother didn’t want children, had one to appease my Dad, and then regretted it. In the beginning she was OK, but it wasn’t long after that she started taking her regret out on me. She eventually told me she didn’t love me, didn’t want to deal with me, and kicked me out of the house. Obviously, this is extreme, but I commend Rachael for not going with the flow, knowing what she wants, and living the life that she feels is appropriate for her.

nanny on

Not every woman wants children. Kudos to Rachel Ray! She loves Children alot, you can tell the way she talks about them, expecially when she’s with them. I think she is not selfish for not wanting them. Personally I think she’s being her own person. She’s busy with her career and just because she’s a woman, doesn’t mean she has to be a mother too. Alot of women are comfortable with NOT being mothers. I think people should leave her alone and let her live her life the way she wants to. Some women just don’t want children. PERIOD. People should respect their choice. I do.

Meela on

People! People! Stay out of Rachel’s bedroom! It’s her life she can make the choices that are right for her. I’m glad she’s not conforming to what society says that she should be doing. If she has decided along with her husband that this is what they want, who are we to tell them differently. Children are great and wonderful but some people just prefer to interact with them on a different level rather than having their own. There’s no crime being committed here!

Katie on

Wow! Where have you fine ladies been hiding!

These comments are a childfree woman’s dream come true!

We face so much ridicule for our decision in our daily lives and on internet boards people get downright vile in deriding our choice to not procreate.

People often lump us all together as child hating, puppy kicking, too-ugly-to-sleep with freaks.

Thank you all (who aren’t calling Rachel and the rest of us selfish or evil)

Christina on

You said it, Katie! If we hated kids, why would we read this site?

niki on

like i have said i love kids god i wanted them from the age of 7 and always thought they were going to be there now i am 24 married and tried for 5 years and no baby in sight to be told under medical reasons i can not have my own as it is to much of a risk.

i have mother’s tell me to my face that i am less than a woman as i have failed in my ‘duty’ as a wife and a woman.
it breaks my heart as i do not know these people well enough to come out and lay my health issues bare and have to be under i microscope because i am married and with no children people think that i hate them and they are a hard on one’s life style.

hell for all we could know she might have a health condition that she does not want the world to know and covers it up with another i have done it and to have words slung at you for a choice made shows society’s view is less than favourable.
my husband and i sat down and had a chat and he said to me from day one that he did not want me to risk it the risk was to high and he would rather have me than a child he would not be able to cope with having a child but loosing his wife over it.
maybe like my husband and i did before we got married talked about what we wanted out of life and what we did not want who is to say her husband and herself did not do the same as well and he knew what he was getting into and chose to be with her regardless if children came along or not.

i love my husband so much that he put me first and held me back i was the one who was willing to take the risk and he was not and that is when i thought about him marriage is about two people not just one and i did not want to break my husband’s heart over it so we chose not to take it but to adopt they might not be ours in blood but you know what i do not care i have love enough to not care.
maybe she will change her mind maybe she will not hell she may even choose to adopt instead it is her’s and her husband’s choice alone and no one else’s to make or make snap jugements over.

my husband and i have had to many that now he turns around and says one there is nothing wrong with us and it is rude and insulting to say it to us when it is a personal private choice and plus we do not want to add more children to an over populated world all ready when there are children out there who want and need love and parents who will love them and provide for them regardless if my wife carry’s them or we share dna!

so my hat is off to all the ladies who choose not to have a child based or whatever reason’s you have hell it is better than shoving them in the system like some people do because the the fun time is over, or in a situation that is not right to bring up a child.
And just to say that is not all people i have grouped together in the care system that is only a slight minority as many kids are put there for valid reasons.
we have made a choice based on what we feel is right not how other people see us and my husband and i can not bring are selves to create a child in are love and stong marriage because of the evil in the world.
this world is harsh and cruel at times and innocent children suffer the price for it in the worst way’s at times and if my husband and i have taken pains to stop that then people should respect are choice on the matter.

Michelle on

I feel bad for Rachael that she has to come out and justify why she does or doesn’t want kids. I respect her more for saying she doesn’t have time bc of her busy schedule then for her to pop them out and let someone else (nanny) raise them. Parenthood isn’t for everyone nor is it right for everyone at the same point in their lives.
Suprisingly I don’t see her as a parent but more as someone who is great with OTHER peoples children! :)

Diana on

I think it is ridiculous to say that Rachel is selfish because she doesn’t want to give up her career to have kids. I’m glad to see that the majority of people here agree with that. Being a parent isn’t something you can do halfway, I think its better and less selfish NOT to be a parent if you aren’t completely sure you want to be. Better to NOT become you a parent if you aren’t sure, than to become a parent because you aren’t sure if you would miss being a parent, to me that would be much more selfish. I applaud her for knowing what she wants and not just doing what everyone expects!

nicki on

well said diana and so true i knew a girl who is with her bf who does not work sleeps around gotten another girl pregnant does drugs and drinks does not work smacks her around infront of the kids.
think he has also attacked the kids at one time or two.

and she stays with him and they have had another kid and this is the third and she is not even in her mid 20’s.
i get looked down more than her because i have not had kids well i am sorry some people should not have kids to begin with it is simple as that, but when a woman chooses not to have any for whatever reason is it not right that she does it before it causes ever lasting damage to a child and bring them in harm’s way.

i think i have more sense then this girl who thinks that this man will change or ‘he is not always like this’ those are the children who need more help by having a safe life and upbringing with another family.
as i was once told when i found out i could not go through a pregnancy without a high risk to my life

“children are a blessing yes and anyone can make a child but it takes someone truly unique and special to open there hearts and home to a child who is i need of it” and that was said to me by a doctor.
i am going to say the same it takes some one special and unique to say i am not having a child because i could not give the full required elements to care for a person who will needed it and desrve it so much.
i think that is better then bending to people’s idea’s and having a child to ‘fit in’ and in the long run cause damage by having child.
There are many people out there who i view as undeserving of such a special gift as the love of a child and they abuse that gift in the worst ways.
instead of thinking i am in no fit state to love or take care of a child and so i will not put that on to his or her’s little shoulders and i will not bring one into this world.
they keep getting pregnant and causing ever lasting damage and pain i have heard enough of children asking me why mummy and daddy did not love me enough or why do they hurt me like they do.

at the end of the day it his her life and if her husband knew the reason’s why and excepted them when they got married who has the right outside that marriage to butt in and call her selfish and less than a woman no one has the right to make others feel infarior.
and no one will ever make me feel that way over the choice my husband and i have made.

Cara on

I think many of you are missing the point. If you give birth to a child you WILL feel an amazing love for that child that you simply cannot feel unless you are a Mom.

I’m not saying that you can’t be happy or lead a full life being childless but being a parent introduces you to a profound love that simply cannot be felt anywhere else.

Ask any mother and she will tell you that.

So, please feel free to make any choice you want. I’m all for freedom to choose but acknowledge that those of us who are mothers would be the only ones to actually understand this special love.

Anney on

Cara–
Indeed the mother-child bond is incredible if it is felt, but there are too many parents out there who have a child and then do not feel that love. Period. They do not love their child. I see Melissa’s post above as a case in point and my heart grieves for her and I admire her courage to survive growing up in that environment. Usually, these parents who don’t love their children knew before they had a child that they did not want a child, or they had the child for the wrong reasons–they needed someone to love them, for attention, to improve their relationship with the father (does not work, by the way).

Tanya on

If anyone honestly believes Rachael is being selfish because she’s given reasons for why she doesn’t want children, then they require some head examinations, pronto. I mean, really why does she need to defend herself. Not every woman or man desires parenthood. Those that judge them either have too much time on their hands or not enough to do. Need something to do? Help me rearrange my closets before my baby’s born. I’d appreciate it.

Christina on

Yes, and along with that love comes a complete, radical change in life that can never, ever be changed back. Some of us are simply not willing to make those changes for something we aren’t sure about. I have SO MUCH LOVE in my life: my fiancee, my parents, my brother, my friends, my family, and the children who come along with friends and family. I understand that parenthood offers a “different kind of love” – I was there when my best friend gave birth and I have never, ever, ever felt that kind of joy in my entire life. Not when I graduated college, not when I got engaged, not when I moved to Alaska. BUT that didn’t make me want a baby. Not even a little. The premise that that joy or love or whatever you want to call it is worth going against how I feel NOW seems a little chance-y – lets not pretend that every single woman on earth instantly falls in love with her baby, erasing every other issue she is dealing with in her life. We wouldn’t have, say, a welfare system bursting at the seams if that were the case.

It is possible – I know it’s IMPOSSIBLE for some women to understand it – to be cognizent of that kind of love and still not desire to possess it. I like my life belonging to me, and I am not willing to give it away to anyone. And in terms of parenthood, that is the most responsible decision I could ever, possibly make.

I’ll reiterate: while childless women have never had CHILDREN they have had MOTHERS so please, everyone, stop condescending to us as if we are clueless to the child/parent bond. I am fully aware of how much my mother loves me, how I and my brother are the center of her universe and how that has provided us with an exceptionally loving, wonderful childhood and adulthood. It doesn’t make me want a baby. Period.

Christy on

Interesting topic…………..
I am biological mother of a 15 year old young man, step-mother of a 20 y/o young man, an 18 y/o young lady and a 9 y/o boy. I have raised all four children for the last 9 years.
Long ago, I wanted to have another baby, and I always felt bad that I didn’t. Until I became a step-mom. WOW!
My husband and I were constantly asked when we were going to have “one of our own”, which became annoying and offensive. We went back and forth on the issue of having a biological child together, but in the end, we made the decision NOT to. I still get questions and comments about why, etc.
Parenting is ALOT of work. I chose to be with someone who had three children. As much as I love ALL of my children, I can’t say whether I’d make the same choices again. On one hand, like many of you, I cannot imagine my life without these 4 wonderful gifts. On the other hand, because of my choice to be a mother, I have given up some of the same things we all give up; sleep, freedom, extra money, maybe even that dream job or education.
Certainly, we can WANT to “have it all”, but at what and whose expense? To be a responsible parent, SOMETHING has to give. Mom’s who say they “do it all”, often times will burn out. And the children of these “Superwomen”? They’re the ones who can answer if they received EVERYTHING their mother’s believe they’re giving. When kids talk, it’s often with honest candor.

Bye the way….bearing a child doesn’t make you a more fulfilled individual. Happiness, success, beauty and fulfillment are in the eye of the beholder, and absolutely come from within.

Katie on

Cara Says:
think many of you are missing the point. If you give birth to a child you WILL feel an amazing love for that child that you simply cannot feel unless you are a Mom.
__________________________________________
What about daddy? Don’t men love thier children? Are men not capable of bonding strongly with their offspring?
__________________________________________
Cara Says:
So, please feel free to make any choice you want. I’m all for freedom to choose but acknowledge that those of us who are mothers would be the only ones to actually understand this special love.
___________________________________________

Wow, why do men even bother to father children? Apparently they are just as unfulfilled as we CF *females. They, like us, will never know such a special love that only a mother feels for her children.

*Note, not stating all CF are female just making the point that fathers are like CF females in that they have never been pregnant or given birth to children, and that, it seems, is the magic ingredient in this special love.

LizBeth on

I love the majority of these posts, but it seems like you are only justified in not having kids if you talk about how much you love children. I personally do not like children that much. I know to most people that makes me a horrible person, but I just don’t. I don’t hate them or want bad things to happen to them, I just don’t enjoy spending time with them or being around them that much. I LOVE babies and toddlers, and I don’t mind hearing about kids, but they are not my cup of tea. Even as a child myself I enjoyed the company of adults more than children. There, I said it. My deepest darkest secret revealed.

Callen on

DAWN, thats true. But im talking about a demanding career in a whole. Kelly didn’t have that much free time in the first couple years. She claimed she had 4 hours a sleep or less. A career like Kelly and Rachael’s are very demanding. I wouldn’t say one had it harder than the other. Because we dont know that.
I loved the fact kelly could do it all. As well as Non celeb mama’s. If rachael doesn’t want to have kids thats fine( she isn’t hurting anyone). It’s good she doesn’t if she has no time. I wish her the best of luck. And even if she doesn’t have kids. She still has a Hubby. She has to make her marriage work. And if she is willing to do that,with her career. She is very much not a selfish woman.

Feh on

So what if she doesn’t know what she’s missing by not having children? Do you know what you’re missing by not being an astronaut? Do you know what your missing by not getting your lip pierced? Could you imagine what you are missing by not traveling to thailand?

We make choices every day of our lives that cause us to miss out on some pretty amazing and life changing experiences. One can not experience EVERY aspect of human life and you know what, most people don’t want to experience EVERY aspedt of human life, parents included. So what if some folks don’t have kids, why should someone have to defend a perfectly logical and personal choice that has no impact on YOU whatsoever?

FC on

This is like Helen Mirren all over again. Can’t win for even being honest and not going with the popular answer. Yes, a woman might love children to death and want one or two of her own or she might not, or she may not even like children and can’t have one for some reason and then end up hurt when people assume the worst of them. Honestly, it shouldn’t really matter.

With Rachel, she knows what she’s doing and her life is fine without children. She knows what’s she doing and feels it is best for her life. And believe it or not, there are plenty of other women who are pretty damn happy being child-free, be it their preference or whatever. And again, making comments like she is missing out on x, y, and z is unwarranted. What if she might want children but couldn’t for some reason, had trouble? Talk about putting someone down and out. And hey, there is such a thing as loving children but still not feeling obligated to have one. You are allowed that.

At least she knows what she wants and she and her husband are fine with that. It’s her life, some just need to stop trying to dictate on how one should live theirs, with or without (a) child(ren).

Why not commend her on knowing what’s good for her, what’s right for her right now? She’s doing what she wants, what she feels is best for her, and at least she is thinking of what her life could do to any child if she were to have one now.

What it all comes down to is that it is her life and she is free to live it as she sees fit-as should every woman out there.

Kate on

Callen: Just because Kelly had a very demanding career and children does not automatically mean she is raising her children well, or even raising them herself. I don’t know Kelly personally so I can’t say whether she’s a good mother or not – but I did work as a nanny for a woman who “did it all” and she was praised endlessly for juggling children and a demanding life and the reality of the situation was that I was the one raising her children. Her children didn’t even know her or feel comfortable with her becuase they spent so much time with me. Celebrities can claim all they want that they put “family first” but when you look at the number of projects a lot of those celebrity parents are involved in it because apparent that there is no way they could possibly have very much time to spend with their children. Perhaps Rachel doesn’t want to have children and hand them off to a nanny to raise 24/7.

Kate on

Cara: I don’t think we are missing the point. I think you’re missing the point. Not every parent does love their child. In fact, I know several parents who have told me they don’t love their children and that if they had it to do all over again they wouldn’t have had children. And how sad for the children of those parents.

And I fail to see how you can know what everyone else’s experiences with love are. Some people feel an amazing love for their children, some don’t. Some people feel an amazing love for their parents, or their siblings, or their spouses – and some people don’t. It’s different for different people -and you can’t possibly know or understand the level of love that other people might have in their lives.

Callen on

Kate, Just because you were a Nanny doesn’t mean you can judge someone’s parenting skills. She might not be raising them well? Who’s to say who’s raising their children right? I dont know Kelly either. You cant judge just on your experiences. I hope this isn’t the case of ” You should stay home with your children”. There are single mothers out there. There are single fathers too. But God forbid if a woman has a great career, that takes up alot of time. She’s not a good parent right? I have a career, and a wonderful supporting husband. I am fortunate to be able to be with my kids all the time ( except when their in school,dance,football). I dont have to go into work everyday. Not when I own my own business. I tried very hard to get where I am today. I might not have been able to be there as much for my children in the first couple years. I dont regret it, because their going to be financially fine when they grow up. Thats all I ever wanted. But I’ll be damned if that makes me a bad mother.

Katie on

Calm down Callen. She wasn’t saying working mothers aren’t good parents. What she was saying is that there is no way to know if Hellen(?) is one who actually can do it all, or one like the gal she worked for who only got credit for doing it all.

Cara on

Kate said, “In fact, I know several parents who have told me they don’t love their children and that if they had it to do all over again they wouldn’t have had children.”

Hmm…finding that REALLY hard to believe, Kate. Several parents have confided in you that they don’t love their children and would have preferred not to have them? I think you need to find some nicer friends. Maybe some who are capable of actually loving their children.

Kate on

Callen: I never judged Kelly’s parenting skills. I said that just because she has a demanding job and children does not automatically mean she’s doing it well. And my point was that it’s not a good idea to hold up someone’s parenting skills as an example when you don’t know if they’re good parents or not.

Kate on

Cara: I don’t recall anywhere in my post saying that these people were my friends. And I don’t think there’s any reason to call me a liar. How wonderful for you that everyone you know loves their children. But that is clearly not the reality for all parents. All you have to do is pick up a newspaper or turn on the news to see stories about people leaving their babies in dumpsters to die, and beating their children to death or starving them. Can you honestly tell me that those people love their children immensely? Pretending that all people love their children does not do anyone any favors, particularly the at-risk children that people turn a blind eye to because nobody wants to deal with the chilling reality that some people don’t love their children and some people will do irreperable harm to their children. It’s not a pleasant reality, but denying it won’t make it go away.

Cara on

Oops, my bad. I made the assumption that the “several parents” who told you they didn’t love their children and wished they hadn’t had them were close friends. It doesn’t seem like something one would say to a casual acquaintance. I didn’t call you a liar but I DID say that I find it hard to believe. It’s not plausible to me that casual acquaintances or strangers, several of them, had said this to you. Come on.

And people who beat their children to death or starve them are obviously mentally ill and dealing with more than just “not loving them”.

Christina on

I’d say it’s a pretty dangerous premise to say “all people who beat or abuse their children are mentally ill.” If that’s true, they shouldn’t be held legally accountable for their actions, since in this (and most advanced societies) we do not hold people legally responsible for actions performed while mentally ill.

Face it Cara – not everyone loves their kids like you love yours. It doesn’t make any of us happy to face that reality, but it’s a lot more dangerous if you don’t.

What a lovely dream world you must live in.

Kate on

Cara: Whether is is plausible to you or not is irrelevant. It doesn’t change the fact that it happened. And it’s beyond me why you’re getting so hostile with me just because I dared to disagree with you. It’s obvious by reading your posts that you want to avoid looking at some of the harsh realities of life – well be my guest. I’m tired of trying to discuss reality with someone who is going to get hostile with me just for not supporting what you wish the world was like. I see no point in discussing this any further with you – I’m done.

Melissa on

I am the woman who stated above that I was told by my mother that she didn’t love me. I would just like to add my two cents to the mentally ill comment. My mother is not mentally ill. I was obviously not killed by my mother, but I was tortured mentally and physically growing up. This did not happen because she was sick and didn’t know what she was doing. She did this because I was the reason she didn’t have the life she wanted. I was keeping her from partying and having casual sex. She is forever a youth and I cramped her style. You know when you have a bad day and mistakenly take it out on a loved one? Well, she was having a bad life (according to her) and she took it out on me. She saw me as the problem. It didn’t matter that I didn’t choose to be born, it was my fault. She is selfish and never deserved the incredible miracle of childbirth. She never appreciated it. I think some of these people that murder their children just want to get rid of the thing in their life that has changed them. They think that if they get rid of the “problem” then everything can go back to normal. We may not understand the thinking, but it does not make them mentally ill. People murder all the time, they are not all mentally ill. I realize there is a difference between the person who kills a stranger and the person who kills their baby, but when they don’t feel the bond, there is no difference to them. I wish those people would have known before they got pregnant that a baby was not the thing they wanted and either didn’t try or got off their butts and bought protection.

Christina on

Kate -
I have no doubt that you are not LYING about your experiences with these parents. As a bartender for about 10 years I know that strangers can – and WILL – tell others the most intimate details of their lives, often things they CAN’T admit to their close friends and families. In fact, I had to testify at a custody hearing once when one of my VERY REGULAR CUSTOMERS was being sued for custody by her ex-husband. This woman was out all night, every night, neglecting her children and she was not “mentally ill” – just a plain ol’ drunk.

The things people – PARENTS – have told me over the years would curl your HAIR.

Christina on

PS – After I testified against her she A. told everyone in the very small town in which we lived that I committed PERJURY (after she lost her kids, that is) and B. CONTINUED TO FREQUENT THE BAR where I worked – ON THE NIGHTS THAT I WORKED.

Larson on

Thank God this woman is not procreating.

Minerva on

Melissa my background is similar to yours. My mother had children only because my dad pressured her into it. She never wanted kids, she wanted a career.
My sisters and I experienced the mental and physical abuse of a mother who was very unhappy with her lot in life.
Most women didn’t work outside the home in those days but as soon as my younger sister was old enough for me to take care of my mother went back to work. She became a lot nicer although never a better mother.
It is not the Childfree who are selfish. People who give no thought to having kids and just have them or people who have them because Society or a spouse tells them they are not normal if they don’t are the selfish ones.
Many people give more thought to buying a new car than having kids.

richard ludwig on

never mind if rachel ray is in a happy marriage – get to the point – this horny pervert wants to know if john makes her squeal like a pig in bed :D

t on

Selfishness is on the rise and refusing to be a parent is just a sad example of this condition. How much wealth and celebrity must someone posess before they will share it with the most precious thing on Earth, children. Too bad for those who never outgrow the sadly selfish state that denies them the greatest rewards of honorbly passing on the true love and joy of life by creating and rearing the beings that will forever love you for the gift of life.

b on

its her choice but what happens if she regrets it later on to me she needs to get over herself and relax a bit from her hectic work schedule. who cares anyway. i used to like rachael ray but she is so fake. i cant believe you guys are falling for it.

maggiebeth on

Rachael is a mom already…to her dog..she treats her dog bettter than many a mom treats her kids!!!!!! She says she is guilty that she doesn’t spend time with her dog…that is truly a special person…she does lots for kids..with her money..so that some moms don’t have to feel guilty as much, cause rachael uses her money to help others that can’t help themselves

Helen on

I’m in my early 40’s, married, and have no children and my husband accepts that fate and has decided that we can live together perfectly, without children, because we love each other. I remember a particular incident about three years ago when a woman asked me if I were going to have children. She asked it in such a superior, scathing way as if there was something wrong with me because I’d been married for two years and had not yet had a child. (She had just given birth.) I thought it was such an obnoxious, invasive question because this woman was not even a friend of mine. The decision to have or not have children is a personal one between a woman and her husband and no one else should interfere. This woman was not aware that I am unable to have children and this is one of the reasons why it is so dicey to ask a woman such an intimate question. Women who have children really do feel like they are superior to women who do not have children and that is very sad and vexing. Having children is like a badge of honor to some women. I am no less of a woman because I am childless. In fact, when I took my marriage vows, I did not vow to love, honor, and bear children by any means necessary just to make other people happy. Even the churches are aware that not every woman can, or should, have children. It is presumptuous for people, especially women, to judge another person’s decision not to have children—whatever their reasons. In fact, it is downright hateful. If you can judge a woman for not having children, then why can’t that childless woman turn around and judge another woman’s competence as a mother!? Or say a woman whose child died in childbirth? Perhaps God knows that she was going to be a bad mother and took her child before she could mess up its life. Or a woman whose child died when he or she was a toddler? Do you see how nasty these judgmenet can get? So, all those of you who are judging Rachel’s decision not to have children, get off your high horses and mind your own business.

Helen

katie on

To the lady’s comments that Rachel Ray does not know what shes missing by not having kids- are you kidding!!! Do you know what your missing by not having Rachel Rays lifestyle ??? Freedom,Financial independence,a stimulating career you truly love,tons of friends,fans,and loving family,the opportunity to travel to fascinating exotic lands and truly appreciate different cultures and experiencing all the beautiful breathtaking scenery in the world that few can only imagine !!! Whats more,RR presents herself as a compassionate,well adjusted,fun loving person whos generous charitable financial gifts will touch the hearts and help more children in the world than you can dream of !!! Yeah.poor,poor Rachel Ray,not wanting children just puts her in the ranks of Oprah,… and Jesus ! Its great you enjoy and love your kids,but selfish and short sighted of you to think theres no life more fulfilling than your little path you took. In fact,its pretty snooty, and ignorant.A lot of people I know actually have kids for extremly selfish reasons…like to brag about as status symbols,or to make sure they have someone to clean-up after them in their old age. Im glad Rachel Ray isnt so small minded and is self assured enough to tell it like it is to the but-inskys.

N on

People who don’t have children tend to be extremely negative and make it sound like those who have kids are missing out on a life when many people who have children are in fact a lot happier than those who don’t have any children.

Annie on

People is just rude always. If you are over 30 and have not get married they ask you why like the question is acceptable. If you are married and have no children they as you why, maybe you can’t have them and it is painful, maybe you just do not want to. If you are breast feeding a toddler they judge you, if you decide not to breastfedd they judge you. People just doesn’t know that a private life includes all these things and that it is not of their business. The worst is that your own family comes with this stupid questions. At one point I had to said that I was gay to stop my parents and friends to keep asking when I was going to get married. I finally did when the right person came along but I had very hard years after I was 29 because people thinks they are not doing anything wrong asking.

Cata on

I respect her decision, but Im sure she’ll regret it someday! All of what she is doing will never compare to bringing life into this world and taking care of it

JB on

I am 50 years old, and I never wanted to have kids , I always felt like I would like to try, but then… It was… no, I don’t feel like it, maybe I didn’t want my children to be miserable like I was as a kid
Some women just have kids to have company when they are old, they think their kids are going to be around when they need them, not anymore.. in this times, maybe they just going to trow them in the nursing home and never comeback

Linda on

I have three adult children. I do not regret having had them. I love and adore all of them, but they also do not “fullfill” me or make my life somehow more meaningful. I suspect Rachael is a smart enough woman to know whether or not she wants children! I DO have children and I do NOT feel that Rachael will someday regret not having had them. Children are awesome, but also a HUGE responsibility! I respect her so much for having the guts to withstand the pressure that must be put upon her to have a child to be socially accepted!

wacko on

She’s focusing so much on career she will realize eventually that her time is up. Isn’t she 40 or something? I think she should just explain the truth if anything: she doesn’t want children. You have your whole life for a career; only a certain time-frame to have children safely.

wavelin1 on

sometimes people say they dont want kidsuntil….they get older and discover there is nothing waiting including the husband at home they see other people kids as bothersome…untilchristmas and all the other holidays.the great ultimate is you grow old both of you with no kids no grandkids and you say why did ipurposly say i dont want kids…you will not always have a busy career…time will slow you down…if your body doesnt first…racheal should ask her mother if she was too busy and selfish to be bothered with her…if she felt that way just think..you racheal ray wouldnt be here..end of story

wavelin1 on

so why do bother to ask….

Lizahana on

I think that the people on either side of this issue, who make judgements about the other, are the ones who are unhappy with their decisions.

If you’re happy, you don’t need bother talking about others. It’s silly really, and I feel sorry for those that have to make others feel bad about how they choose to live their lives. I think their unhappiness is written all over their mean words.

Peace!!

Anonymous on

I just wanted to say that you might not no the whole storie… Maybe she isn’t able to have kids and that can be a very personal thing… It might just be easier to say that she doesn’t want them then to tell the world her fertility history. It’s really only her and her husbands business.

mary on

All depends if one wants to stay in the lime light and have maoney or take time and love children. I hope Rachel realizes that it is not only about her when she got married, now she has a partner and he may want to have children. I would have never seen Rachel has self centered or stingy until I read this article. Kind of which I had never come across it. Mary

BooneGal on

Makes you wonder why she wouldn’t make the time, but I do understand her decision and hope that she doesn’t regret it later in life after all the fame and glory are gone.

kate on

A bunch of little Rachael Rays oh please no

Lusi Aleman on

I am a Master level Social Worker and I have counseled hundreds of people. When children are added to a marriage it actually makes the marriage relationship much more difficult. It causes many couples to feel unsatisfied. Childless couples have been proven to feel and lead much more satisfying lives. Obviously parents will say that they cannot imagine life without their children despite the challenges of parenthood, however, that can be seen as a coping mechanism.

karen on

Cara
Wanted to respond to old thread. strangers are constantly telling me they don’t love their kids and wish they never had them I know that seems like an odd thing for strangers to do I think it odd myself but it happens all the time. I guess they feel comfortable confiding in someone they don’t know that well and probably will never see again. for whatever reason people tell me they feel comfortable telling me things that they would never tell anyone. maybe I should have been a psychiatrist !

CHICKIE on

I feel that it is her business to have a child or not. It could be that she can’t have them and also that is her business. Being a Mom to 3 son’s I loved being a Mom. I guess I feel someone is missing out on motherhood and I always feel bad. I think she work’s too much and is really involved in too many things. Like burning the candle at both ends. But, that is her life. Good luck to her and her husband and I hope they are both happy. If she were to have had a child she should have had them earlier in life, now would be too late and the later you have them something may be wrong with the child.

Erica on

The first thing that came to my mind is “she must not can have kids”….then I thought to myself, “now why would I just assume that, and could it be possible that she just doesn’t want to have kids?” I was shocked to realize that my thoughts automatically went to the assumption that maybe something was wrong with her. I realize now, that we are trained to think this way, and it’s perfectly normal to “not” want to have kids, and that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that if that’s your decision.

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