Rachel Griffiths' son's "gender issues"

Brothers & Sisters and Six Feet Under star Rachel Griffiths did a Q&A with The Advocate and was asked if her children with husband, artist Andrew Taylor, son Banjo Patrick, 3, and daughter Adelaide Rose, 21 months, know what "gay" and "lesbian" mean yet. The actress responded,

There are many gay men in my life that are very close to our family. I don’t think it’ll be too long before they figure out that sometimes a man loves a man. Banjo is having his own gender issues at the moment: He’s looking in the mirror and keeps telling me that the mirror’s telling him he’s a girl. I sometimes wonder when one knows when one’s own child is gay.

Source: The Advocate

Do your children know what gay or lesbian mean? Do you plan to teach them about different types of families, or wait until they come to you with any questions?

If you have a gay child, or are gay yourself, when did you know?

Comments

I’m bisexual, so it’s a bit different, but I didn’t know until middle school and didn’t “come out” until college. Looking back, I kind of realized earlier — there were things I said and did and felt that were “warning signs” from age 5 onwards — but because I was/am also attracted to men, it was much easier to ignore that part.

Good for Rachel for being so open and accepting.

- Jessie on March 25th, 2007

I was a nanny in Boston to a 5-year old girl. When going to the aquarium there, we saw a gay male couple kissing and holding hands. The only way I could think of to explain being gay to a 5-year old is that sometimes “mommies love other mommies and daddies can love other daddies too”. Her response was “that’s cool, so they can love everyone – boys and girls!”

I think she was just looking for a response that made her feel that what she was seeing was okay.

- Adrie0815 on March 25th, 2007

I am the father of a 4 year old boy named Owen Nicholas Cole (isn’t that the coolest name?) who has repeatedly told me that when he grows up, he wants to “marry you, daddy!”. The first time he said that, I said “Don’t you want to marry Mommy? She’s very pretty”. Owen replied, “No, daddy. I hate girls. I like boys.” When his grandparents asked him what he wanted for Christmas, he told them he wanted a pink ballerina outfit to be pretty in. Owen has had absolutely NO exposure to anyone gay or anything gay…so I can only assume that my little boy could be gay, and I’m fine with it. I’ll be happy whether he is straight or gay.

It’s refreshing that a celebrity, like Rachel Griffiths, is so nonchalant about the possibility that their child could be gay. If only the rest of the world would be as tolerant of others, then the world would be a better place.

- Jasun Cole on March 25th, 2007

I’ve always been really open with my daughter. Starting when she was 3 years old, she asked questions about how different people loved each other and I told her that it could be a man and woman, 2 men, or 2 women. It’s difficult being so liberal sometimes though. She comes home from and tells me things her friends have told her such as “If you wear an earring in your right ear it means you’re gay”.

I find I’m correcting society’s hangups about being gay more than anything.

- Lorus on March 25th, 2007

I think that if gender issues and sexuality was more prominantly addressed in households at younger ages, there would be less bullying in schools and less depression in teens dealing with sexuality related issues. Some parents think that sexuality is black and white. Kids are straight-gay, transgender or bisexual are simply wrong or “evil” so they need not be looked into or talked about…but this is completely false. It reminds me of those parents who are born with hermaphrodite children and because of religious reasons or personal issues with a child born with both parts decide to “CHOOSE” the child’s gender. That is like doing a coin toss.

I think children should be brought up with the knowledge that people can love whoever they want to know and that there is nothing evil or wrong with it.

- Air on March 25th, 2007

It’s very refreshing that Rachel is so open-minded and caring about her son and so cool that she is handling it in such a loving way. Let your child be who they are!

- Rye on March 25th, 2007

I’m gay myself. I didn’t know until I was about 19 but I didn’t come out until I was 23. My partner and I plan on having kids someday and I don’t see the reason in hiding things from them. If they ask, we’d tell them straight out.

- Kristine on March 25th, 2007

I think it is so wonderful to hear a mother be so open to the fact that her child may be gay.

I don’t have any children, but the other day i was babysitting. We were singing that silly “sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g” song, and we were saying the names of all the people in the room. So on my turn i said the names of two of the boys. The 6 year old turned to me (angry) and said “hey ! that’s gay !”. I told him that there was nothing wrong with being gay. He asked “what do you mean there’s nothing wrong with being gay ?” – I told him that “some people are gay and some aren’t – and that it is just the same as how i have brown hair and his is blonde”. I really have no idea about how his parent’s feel about the issue, and i know it was risky to tell that to someone elses child about an issue like that – but i think it is so important.

- briana on March 26th, 2007

My Stepbrother is Gay, and my kids have never been kept in the dark about it, his boyfriend is like another uncle to them.

- Caz on March 26th, 2007

I still don’t think most parents would actively want their children to be gay in todays society. There is still too many homophobics and when young gay people in particular are subjected to emotional and physical isolation, ridicule and even abuse, who would choose a lifestyle that brought these things on their child?

So while I feel Rachel’s ‘message’ is refreshing, it shouldn’t be forgotten that Banjo can to a greater extent be protected from the negatives that being gay mean to the rest of us.

Sadly, I feel the views registered so far aren’t representative of our largely small ‘c’ conservative western world.

- pam woodhouse on March 26th, 2007

I think it’s great Rachel is being open about this with her children, and that’s what’s important. I don’t think anyone chooses to be gay – You are or you aren’t – It doesn’t matter either way.

- Aura on March 26th, 2007

My husband and I have already talked about what would happen if your eight months old son ended up being gay; absolutely NOTHING.

Of course, in the society that we live in today, I would worry about him facing other peoples ignorance and bigotry; but would that somehow try to prevent me from letting him be his true self? Absolutely NOT; in my eyes, I would be doing him a disservice as his mother. I can only protect him so far. I realize that I cannot protect him from the world, and eventually he has to go his own way.

That might not be the ‘popular’ opinion, especially in the U.S., but that is just how it is with my family. I think the real crime would be my husband and I stopping loving our son if he ended up being gay, like has happened to so many homosexual friends of ours.

It IS in fact a cruel world, but it doesn’t have to be.

- erica on March 26th, 2007

I have 3 nephews who are still fairly young…we joked one time about one of my nephews possibley being gay bc he liked painting his nails. My brother was very furious and said he’d “dis-own” him if he was. My family and I were really taken back considering we have a gay cousin. I think for most parents perhaps its a scary thought. Not that you wouldn’t love or accept them for who they are but mostly because you worry about what kind of ridicule they will have to live through.

But today being gay for many people is much more common then it was in tha past. Not that people weren’t gay years ago but you did not come out and tell anyone that you were. Everyone frowned upon the word and never discussed it.

I applaud the above poster Jasun for being so open about your son and being okay with him being whatever he is.

But I have to say as a person who works with MANY children your son could just be curious. Little kids sometimes don’t always understand the difference between gender at that age. They wonder why they can’t play with dolls or why they can’t dress up and wear pretty things. So it could just be a stage but it’s good that you don’t make him feel like that sort of thing is “bad”. Let him be who he is and he’ll find himself someday whether he chooses to be gay or not.
My nephew liked to paint his nails for about a year (when he was 2-3) now he’s 6 and won’t have anything to do with things that are girly!

- J.M. on March 26th, 2007

Both my kids (11 and 6 yrs old) know what it means.

They had watched the movied “White chicks” and while we were at a Chinese Restaurant my then 5 yr old said to me “Are you a lesbian” (its from the movie) and i asked her if she knew what it meant and she replied with No so I said you know what gay means right and she said yes and i told her well lesbian is the female version of it.

- Simone on March 26th, 2007

My husband has a lesbian sister, so our children have always known that differences exist outside our nuclear family. However, from Rachel’s comments on Banjo, that kind of comment about seeing himself as a girl in the mirror, is not indicative of the possibility of him being gay, but of being transgender. Gay persons see themselves as the gender they are, they are attracted to the same sex instead of the opposite. I know several transgender people however, and one thing they have in common is that they felt they were the opposite gender from an early age. Some telling their parents they were a girl, when they have male anatomy from the ages of 2 or 3. Oprah and Tyra have both done episodes on Gender dysphoria in children recently. Maybe she should seek a professional to find out if Banjo has this. Early intervention is best, where he can be who his mind tells him he should be. Living the lie has detrimental long-term effects on Tg’s. Half of them attempt suicide and succeed.

- Daze on March 26th, 2007

I’m sure Banjo will always thank her for two things: 1. Giving him the name Banjo, and 2. Announcing to the world that she thinks he’s gay. If he wasn’t before, I’m pretty sure he might be now.

I have to say, it’s great that she’s accepting of her son regardless of who he is, but I think it’s a bit of a betrayal to share that kind of information with the world. That’s private.

- alexp on March 26th, 2007

Daze, I was going to post the exact same thing. I’ve heard a few parents say they think their child is gay based on the child(ren) wanting to be and/or seeing themselves as the opposite sex. I think one of the main reasons people get so confused and unnerved by homosexuality is because being a homosexual and being a transvestite are two different things, yet people throw the terms around interchangably. I saw the Oprah show you mentioned, and the issue was not that these children were gay, but that they wanted to live as the opposite sex. If we are ever going to break down the negative uncertainties regarding homosexuality, we need to be as well-informed as possible about what it really means to be a homosexual.
And Alexp, I agree with you as well. If I were Rachel, I would never have shared that private information with the world, especially since Banjo is so young and may or may not be the same way years from now. If he decides down the road that he is a homosexual or transvestite, it’s up to him to decide whether he wants to reveal that information to the public. I can see him being extremely embarassed if and when he reads this interivew years from now, regardless of his sexual orientation.

- Lauren on March 26th, 2007

I have a son who is 3, and raising him makes me more aware of how openminded I can be. I never thought about gay marriage until I had a child and realized that if he ended up being gay, how would I feel if society told him he could not marry his soul mate? I would be devastated. I do believe that homosexuality is something people are born with. They deserve all the same rights in life, and should my son ever tell me he’s gay, I would take every step possible to make sure he reaches his dreams despite the way society can be at times.

- Kori on March 26th, 2007

Regarding Banjo’s sexuality: I think, given his age, it’s way too soon to tell what his orientation is. He’s only three! For really little kids, it’s usually just a phase, isn’t it? I’m a girl and I used to say, back in my tomboy days, “I wish I was a boy,” but I’ve since outgrown that. But if Banjo is gay/transgender, he’s lucky to be blessed with an open-hearted mother.

Banjo’s a cute name. It’s definitely preferable over other unusual celeb baby names. He could’ve gotten worse.

- NausicaaofWind on March 26th, 2007

I address these along the same lines as questions about why my dh and are together, how babies are made, etc. I go by the child’s lead and when they ask them…

whenever my child asks a question, I give the most simple direct answer I can, and give it truthfully.

When my (then) 4yr old asked how his sister got in my tummy, I didn’t go into details, but first I said, “well, there was an egg in my tummy and daddies have a seed that goes in to make the baby out of the egg”

the next day, he asked me where the seed came from… I told him that it was what boy privates were for.

then he asked me how they get together in the mom’s tummy… since I didn’t want to go into tooo much detail and scare him, I just told him that when mommies and daddy’s do a special hug where their private’s touch, the seed can go in the mommy and meet with the egg.

He’s been satisfied with that until last year, when he wanted to know if we did it with our clothes on and I told him no, it’s naked hugging…

He’s accepted that, and has asked about marriage and stuff and families and knows about boys loving boys and girls loving girls and that he can love whoever he wants…

I think you just ask the questions as they come, let your kid be himself/herself, and deal with the hardships as they come.

- Kat on March 26th, 2007

I also wanted to say that I think that normally people are older when they realise that they’re gay, as you don’t really feel actracted to people until pubtery.

My mother is a lesbian and she said she didn’t know until she was around 12, that she was gay. Of course, everyone is different.

- Aura on March 26th, 2007

I deal with gender issues in my own primary academic research and what I seem to have found out so far is that gender identification is, indeed, a fluctuating notion and when we see gender expressions divorced from rigid systems of belief and value, we’ll truly start accepting all forms of gender and gendered expression. Thanks, Rachel!

- bri on March 29th, 2007