Halsey gave her most emotional and open interview yet. The singer got candid with Rolling Stone about a defining moment from her summer 2015. “Last year on tour I got pregnant,” Halsey, 21, revealed.
Months before the Aug. 28 release date of her first record Badlands, the New Jersey-native had discovered she was expecting while getting ready for a concert in her Chicago hotel room. She began panicking and instantly questioning what to do next. “What happens? Do I lose my record deal? Do I lose everything? Or do I keep [the pregnancy]?” Halsey recalled that moment. “What are the fans going to think? What are the moms going to think? What is the Midwest going to think? What’s f—ing everyone going to think?”
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Hours before going onstage, Halsey screamed in shock when she found herself bleeding from the waist down in her hotel bed. “‘I have to cancel the show,'” she remembered her first reaction being. But in the end, Halsey asked her assistant to buy adult diapers at the drugstore. Though no one had forced her to go on with the show, she put on a diaper and took two Percocets to do her job.
“It’s the angriest performance that I’ve ever done in my life. That was the moment of my life where I thought to myself, ‘I don’t feel like a f—ing human being anymore,'” Halsey said. “This thing, this music, Halsey, whatever it is that I’m doing, took precedence and priority over every decision that I made regarding this entire situation from the moment I found out until the moment it went wrong. I walked offstage and went into the parking lot and just started throwing up.”
Halsey still isn’t sure why she suffered a miscarriage, and still “beat[s] [herself] up for it.” Her busy work schedule had led her to exhaustion and had consistently landed her in the hospital.
“I think that the reason it happened is just the lifestyle I was living. I wasn’t drinking. I wasn’t doing drugs. I was f—ing overworked,” she said blaming herself. “In the hospital every couple of weeks because I was dehydrated, needing bags of IVs brought to my greenroom. I was anemic, I was fainting. My body just broke the f— down.”
Her music career is high-demand and successful than ever, but Halsey hasn’t reached her ultimate goal of becoming a parent. “I want to be a mom more than I want to be a pop star. More than I want to be anything in the world,” she concluded.
– Karen Mizoguchi